Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2006, at 10:29:37
In reply to Re: I am a worthless piece of.... » Dinah, posted by sleepygirl on September 29, 2006, at 23:11:33
My therapist had me sobbing by the end of the session. He started out by telling me that I get in these moods where I'm down on myself and nothing I'm saying makes any sense. And that it was crazy of me to listen to my internal negative thoughts. Then ended up telling me if I was going to be working I needed to act like a grownup and do what I needed to do to put in the hours. (I'm probably distorting a bit here.)
Great, so now I feel worthless and "bad" for not trying hard enough.
Arrrggghhh.
I should have known to come to you guys instead. :) You understand that it does make sense, yet also know what to say to make me feel a smidge better.
I *know* it's wrong of me to put so much emphasis on being smart and good at what I do. I certainly don't think less of those who aren't top in the class or brilliant at their jobs. Why do I insist on that in myself in order to be worthwhile? It's probably got something to do with those years where absolutely nothing was going right in my life except my grades. I guess I said something to myself like "Well, everyone at school thinks I'm a laughable misfit, and my parents like my new little brother better than me, but at least I get great grades and most of the teachers are impressed." And then of course there was that whole symbiotic relationship with my father where I got compensated emotionally for making his life better at work.
I honestly thought that if I put my whole effort into it again, I could repeat my success.
Darn body. Migraines, lack of stamina and concentration, alternating intense anxiety and grogginess, are all doing in my best intentions.
Ok, I'll concentrate on just getting in enough hours to keep my benefits, and try to quit trying to be the person I once was. That's an achievable goal.
But...
Why can't I be who I once was?
Sigh. My therapist tells me to exercise, and maybe that would help long term, but how do I pay the short term cost in terms of time and energy?
Thanks everyone.
(Mair, it's great to see you on the boards again. I've thought about you often, especially lately.)
poster:Dinah
thread:690178
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060921/msgs/690495.html