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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 12:26:04
Well as hard as I fight I woke up this morning feeling like a worthless piece of you know what. It seems I help or can help everyone but me. Now my brain is saying oh you want to committ suicide but I don't it's just my brain talking. And the fears when I stay home or go out are horrible. The hospital is out as they don't try to help you anymore it's a holding place. So how do you get your brain to change its's low self esteem thinking. I think I was triggered my watching ER last night. I always wanted to get back into nursing but reality is that I can't. Heck the show upset me so much I was crying. The scenes were so gross. How did I do it for l5 years. So now what? Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 21:17:53
In reply to My Turn, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 12:26:04
Forget it I can take a hint. Love Phillipa
Posted by dreamboat_annie on October 1, 2006, at 21:41:03
In reply to My Turn, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 12:26:04
I tried to reply earlier, but something happened to with my computer, and I lost the whole post - Ugh!
Ok, first, you are not a worthless piece of you know what. I know it's hard to stop the stinking thinking, and we all do it to ourselves, but, please try to see the good and the worth that is in you. I read posts and see how thoughtful and kind and supportive you are with everyone. You obviously mean a lot to people here and have made a difference in their lives. A worthless piece of you know what would not be as highly regarded as that, so that is some measure of your worth. You have a lot to offer and, hopefully, one day you will be able to recognize that for yourself even if it is just one small acknowledgement a day or every two days or . . .
Second, I can only imagine how hard it must be to have had to give up a career that you loved. You can, though, take pride in the fact that you did it for many years and did it well. That is an accomplishment. Now, it is time to put your strengths to work in other areas. You obviously a compassionate and caring person, who has a gift for listening and offering support. Perhaps, as a first step and even if it one day or a few hours or even one hour, you could volunteer in some capacity where you would be putting those wonderful people skills to use. You could volunteer at a seniors' home reading to seniors or playing cards or something like that. You could volunteer at a womens' shelter offering support and guidance to women in distress. You could counsel under-privelged children or youth at risk or even teach children to read. With your warm and compassionate personality, you would be a gift in these areas, and it could help you overcome your anxiety.
Finally, try to tell that part of your brain that tries to tell you that you are worthless to shut the heck up. I know it's hard, but each time your brain starts sending you negative messages, try to counter with a positive message - anything. Or, distract yourself with something pleasant - take a sniff of lavender or paint your toenails or make some cookies. Anything to send your brain the message that you are not going to play the game anymore, that you are gaining control and that your life does have meaning and that you are worthy or happiness.
Be strong and remember that there are a lot of people who care about you and think you are special.
> Well as hard as I fight I woke up this morning feeling like a worthless piece of you know what. It seems I help or can help everyone but me. Now my brain is saying oh you want to committ suicide but I don't it's just my brain talking. And the fears when I stay home or go out are horrible. The hospital is out as they don't try to help you anymore it's a holding place. So how do you get your brain to change its's low self esteem thinking. I think I was triggered my watching ER last night. I always wanted to get back into nursing but reality is that I can't. Heck the show upset me so much I was crying. The scenes were so gross. How did I do it for l5 years. So now what? Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 21:55:23
In reply to Re: My Turn » Phillipa, posted by dreamboat_annie on October 1, 2006, at 21:41:03
Thank-you that meant a lot it really did. I'll try to take your advise that you so generously offered. Love Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on October 1, 2006, at 22:30:40
In reply to My Turn, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 12:26:04
Is there something close to home that you enjoy? What's your garden like?, or do you have a nice local library?
Keep it simple and doable. It's a good way to build up to eventually trying the panicky stuff.
CS
Posted by Dinah on October 1, 2006, at 22:39:49
In reply to My Turn, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 12:26:04
I'm impressed you did it for fifteen years. I wouldn't last a day. I didn't even make it as a veterinary assistant for a week.
I think it's obvious how many of us have our self worth tied up in our professional lives. I know that that's wrong, but since I'm twisted in the loop of thinking that way right now myself, it's hard for me to be convincing in arguing against the point. :(
But you said yourself that you help everyone but yourself. Doesn't that mean you help others? And if you are helping others, doesn't that mean that you intrinsically have worth? So, by your own statements about yourself, doesn't that make you anything but worthless?
I understand all too well what it feels like to not be able to do what you used to do. And yet, on some level, I recognize that that is an awful way to judge worth - by employment. It would seem that caring or integrity or any number of other measures would be better.
But I can't even convince myself right now, so I understand if you aren't convinced by what I'm saying.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 1, 2006, at 23:31:02
In reply to Re: My Turn » Phillipa, posted by Dinah on October 1, 2006, at 22:39:49
Phillipa,
you are very special here on Psycho-babble. It would really be a different place here without you. You are a very caring person, and you would be missed if you went away.If you decide to change your treatment, try to help yourself get better. Rather than panicking when you feel the side-effects kicking in, tell yourself that you are strong, and that your body is responding to the medication. If you go see a T, let yourself figure out what the problems are, and listen to the T. Give it some time. Your problems didn't happen overnight, and you won't be cured overnight either.
Just because you have this voice of unhappiness and poor self-esteem inside of you, don't give up hope on yourself. The moment when you change something about your day- trying something new, taking a new pill or vitamin, or engaging in a new therapy- this is a moment of hope- try to sustain that hope for a little longer each chance you get.
You CAN and WILL feel better, but you first must allow yourself to feel it. Even if you are "doing" better, if you refuse to feel it, you will never know. :(
You are just as good as anyone else here, and you deserve to feel better just as much as I do, or anyone else. Don't dismiss something just because you don't feel like you are the right kind of person. If you are open to feeling better, it helps the treatments go a lot smoother.
Do take care of yourself. If you are not feeling safe, please tell someone so that they can get you some help. Have you considered a partial outpatient program?
your friend,
Li(I have tremendous respect for nurses. My mom is working at a temp agency doing nursing work right now. Have you considered such an option?)
Posted by littleone on October 2, 2006, at 21:18:49
In reply to My Turn, posted by Phillipa on October 1, 2006, at 12:26:04
Hi Phillipa,
I found this book helpful when I was feeling unwell:
"How I stayed alive when my brain was trying to kill me" by Susan Blauner.
There are some quite triggering parts in the book, so I wouldn't recommend reading it for the first time when you're actively feeling unwell. But if you can read through it in between real bad times, then you can mark pages that you think will help when you really need them. Then next time you feel really unwell, you can go straight to those pages for help.
I have a box hidden away at home that contains this book as well as other things I've found on the internet that I think might help talk me out of acting on unwell feelings. It also contains a few things that could help comfort the part that feels unwell. It's smart to have this all together in one place easily retrieved. If you have to go hunting around for it when you feel unwell, you probably wouldn't bother looking.
I'm glad you could see that it's your thought processes hurting you here. That you really don't want to act on those thoughts/feelings. That in itself is a big step forward.
The other thing that helps me is to remember that no feeling lasts forever, you just have to wait it out and it will pass (actually, I might have even learnt this from the book!).
Posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2006, at 21:39:23
In reply to Re: My Turn **Trigger** » Phillipa, posted by littleone on October 2, 2006, at 21:18:49
Thanks guys I needed you and you came through. I will remember this Love Phillipa
Posted by Jost on October 4, 2006, at 18:31:54
In reply to Re: My Turn **Trigger**, posted by Phillipa on October 2, 2006, at 21:39:23
Phillipa, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain now.
How've you been doing the last few days?
You know you're so important to this board. I was thinking just the other day-- maybe Monday-- marvelling at how important you are here, how the fact that you read what we say-- and answer us, let us know the universe cares, and has sent someone to tell us-- ie you-- makes such a profound difference.
I was thinking how truly important that is-- and you are-- being here so consistently, so caringly for us.
It is a wonderful thing. I know there were some of my long rambling posts that you read-- and wrote to tell me you had--and it made me feel so good to know.
You do matter, a lot. Try not to forget that, okay?
Jost
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 4, 2006, at 18:40:16
In reply to Re: My Turn **Trigger** » Phillipa, posted by Jost on October 4, 2006, at 18:31:54
This is the end of the thread.
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