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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:23:45
One of the posts responding to my Kernel panic referred to drug use in a funny way:
She drank the Kool-Aid.
I'm not sure exactly how to address this without seeming crazy. Oh wait. I can be as crazy as I want.
Here's the thing. iv'e never used drugs except for a liberal dose of binge drinking and a glass of wine most nights of 2004 and now i'm curious, being in my late 20's and never having had even a huff of tobacco what is up with illicit drugs. why are they so popular. what do they make you feel? am i a bad person if i try them? if i dont't need to but I triy them anayways? what if i don't ever want to try them, but i feel bad, because i WANT to, I'm just chicekn sh*t?
if i had a moral problem with drug use, it went away a few months ago, when i started taking psych meds. i realize now that street drugs act in similar ways, only they encourage more 'seeking' behavior and have more rewards. they are alwo messier, and less reliable dosing. AND they are not covered by my insurance plan. The kind pdoc who gives me my fix has reassured me that i'm not an addict or an abuser, just because i need the drugs to keep myself alive at this point.
but why can't i shrug the feeling that i have missed out on one of the basic exoeriences of life, just because i was always the stuck up snob, or the cautious one, and always refused the joint, or to go along on the drug run. god knows it was dangled in my face enough.
who's rules was I living by? why?
this is what a post written with eyes closed and under influence of seroquel withoutt editing looks like cheers!!!!
-;l;
Posted by finelinebob on August 27, 2006, at 2:43:48
In reply to Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:23:45
> One of the posts responding to my Kernel panic referred to drug use in a funny way:
>
> She drank the Kool-Aid.Sorry, llrrrppyy, that was me using a favorite phrase of the Mac-bashers. We're in the Cult of Mac. We're living in Steve Jobs' Reality Distortion Field. We drank the Kool-Aid.
That's when you know you've been rejected and excommunicated by the M$FT apologists -- when they say you drank the Kool-Aid.
In the Anarchists' Cookbook section on Peyote, there's this quote: "The White Man goes into his church and talks about God; the Indian goes into his teepee and talks **to** God." Or something very close to that effect.
I've been around a lot of recreational drug use since freshman year in college -- my roommate was the dorm's biggest dealer. Amazing how much speed he went through for people pulling all-nighters. And how much of his profits he smoked away. But it did get us a really cool stereo system.
But I've also had family members with addiction problems, which is why I decided never to go down that path. Besides, I'm a very happy drunk, so alcohol is all I ever needed for recreation.
I've also never been so much of a prude, well, any bit of a prude, to get moral about it with my friends. Good thing too. When I was going through my 2.5 years of hell trying to find the right cocktail of meds, I went through maybe 7 or 8 very distinct states of mind, and all of them felt very real at the time. The one combo that put me in the ER eventually was the one I was most certain was "real". I think I've experienced more altered states of reality than any of my recreational friends.
But when I want to live trippin' vicariously, good or bad, I put on Quadrophenia (by the Who fer all y'all youngin's) and play it LOUD. Poor Jimmy with his four different personalities. "Schizophrenic? I'm bleeding Quadrophrenic"
Songs like "The Real Me"--
I went back to the doctor to get another shrink
I sit and tell him 'bout my weekends but he never betrays what he thinks
Can you see the real me, Doctor? Doctor?or Drowned--
I'm flowing under bridges and flying through the sky
I'm travelling down cold metal, just a tear in a baby's eye
Let me flow into the ocean, let me get back to the sea
Let me be stormy, let me be calm
Let the tide in and set me freeor Dr. Jimmy --
I'm feeling restless, bring another score around
Maybe something stronger could really hold me down
...
Dr. Jimmy and Mister Jim
When I'm pilled you don't notice him
He only comes out when I drink my gin0r 5:15 --
Magically bored on a quiet street corner
Free frustration in our minds and our toes
Quiet storm water, m-m-m-my generation
Uppers and downers, either way blood flowsBut there's always my favorite (next to The Real Me, and not just because it features Pete Townsend) I'm One --
Every year it's the same and I feel it again
I'm a loser, no chance to win
Leaves caught falling, come down is calling
Loneliness starts sinking in
But I'm one
I am one
And I can see
That this is me
And I will be
You'll all see
I'm the one.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 27, 2006, at 2:45:34
In reply to Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:23:45
I dunno, I wouldn't feel like a loser just because you haven't done any.
I've smoked and eaten pot and its quite nice but now I don't want to mess with my system.
Anyway there are alot of different drugs out there so its hard to generalise. I would never inject heroin for instance. But is there so much different between ritalin and meth? No. In fact, Desoyn is the legal version of meth....
My brothers have done loads of drugs. I wouldn't do most of them (not because of any moral principle, just because I don't want anything to mess with my moods! And if you're taking pysch meidcation, you could easily overdose, etc etc etc). I'd maybe try meth/cocaine if it were offered by a reliable source.
Anyway. You still have the rest of your life to experiment!
Kind regards
Meri
Posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 2:53:22
In reply to Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:23:45
It's kind of fun if you have off-beat friends who are introducing you to their off=beat friends, when you're at loose ends, and meeting new, somewhat hip people is the best use of time--
just to feel sort of "in" for a while-- imbedded in a more vivid world--
Never did it much myself-- too screwed up, too much of a loner, too sure I wouldn't be accepted.
It's more a social thing than a drug thing, really-- maybe it makes you see more intensely, dissolves certain social constraints or self-consciousness--
It isn't that different from not having drugs, if you're really into the mood-- except that it makes the mood more communcal, more external, and also harder to puncture, unless you do, in which case it's like falling through the looking glass.
It's better not to know and be ABD in your twenties, than know and have dropped out of college several times and not have a direction, and have shown a few flashes of engagement here and there.
Jost
Posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 13:18:44
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 2:53:22
What I meant was, it really doesn't matter. You might get high and like it, or not like it. It's not a big big deal.
I did LSD at a rock concert. once. I think Frank Zappa was there. Or maybe not. I might have been hallucinating.
Don't do LSD. Unless you're in a psych lab. (I've heard they're experimenting with it again, btw)
Being cautious and responsible doesn't sound romantic, but it's much better than being wild and crazy.
If you want chills and thrills, finish thesis, try defending it. That should take care of the need for an adrenaline rush. Or, want to give co-worker A a call, and tell her she's not being very nice? I can babble you her cell....
Jost
Posted by sleepygirl on August 27, 2006, at 14:21:12
In reply to Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:23:45
mmmmm....I'd say don't bother feeling like a loser,
it isn't worth itlater in your life you can be more aware of the why of why you do things, and maybe it's not so much about following "rules" or not following them
maybe questioning the "rules" eh?
why are they so popular? I dunno...sensation, experience?
kernel panic? is that about corn now?
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 15:14:13
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by finelinebob on August 27, 2006, at 2:43:48
flb,
These are really nice excerpts. Thank you very much. I will reinvestigate them next time my dosages/meds are changed and see if there is any special effect. In the meanwhile, I like them plenty for their poetic effect on my stable, caffeinated mind-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 15:24:50
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by Meri-Tuuli on August 27, 2006, at 2:45:34
> I dunno, I wouldn't feel like a loser just because you haven't done any.
>
> I've smoked and eaten pot and its quite nice but now I don't want to mess with my system.This is probably a good idea for me too.
> Anyway there are alot of different drugs out there so its hard to generalise. I would never inject heroin for instance. But is there so much different between ritalin and meth? No. In fact, Desoyn is the legal version of meth....
I'm kind of scared of doing something that will leave me vulnerable/incapacitated around a bunch of people who are also a little out of sorts. I guess that's why I'd want to have a friend there to babysit. I've been the babysitter many times. It's freaking annoying, really. And the psychmeds, well, I'm not on anything that is abuse-worthy. the AD would make me feel nauseous, the seroquel would knock me out cold in larger doses, and provigil would probably give me jitters with no known antidote.
> My brothers have done loads of drugs. I wouldn't do most of them (not because of any moral principle, just because I don't want anything to mess with my moods! And if you're taking pysch meidcation, you could easily overdose, etc etc etc). I'd maybe try meth/cocaine if it were offered by a reliable source.
>
> Anyway. You still have the rest of your life to experiment!I guess one thing is that I'm not sure if I'll ever trust anyone enough to give me mind-altering substances. Well, except for my kind pdoc.... (((pdoc))). Not having that trust, that sense that I can surrender, well, I wish I *could* sometimes. Why do I always have to feel in control of every situation? Feel like I know what to expect? What's left when spontaneity is so undervalued? when life is prescribed?
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 15:33:26
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 2:53:22
> It's kind of fun if you have off-beat friends who are introducing you to their off=beat friends, when you're at loose ends, and meeting new, somewhat hip people is the best use of time--
>
> just to feel sort of "in" for a while-- imbedded in a more vivid world--
>
> Never did it much myself-- too screwed up, too much of a loner, too sure I wouldn't be accepted.I have done that scene before, in hs and in college. Both times I felt I was losing my self. and that was kind of exhilharating, but at the end of the day, it was just me, with my unhindered brain, and I wondered- WTF am I doing here? Who are these people? Am I ready to be part of this? And the answer was always no.
> It's more a social thing than a drug thing, really-- maybe it makes you see more intensely, dissolves certain social constraints or self-consciousness--
And that's what I'm scared of.
> It isn't that different from not having drugs, if you're really into the mood-- except that it makes the mood more communcal, more external, and also harder to puncture, unless you do, in which case it's like falling through the looking glass.
>
> It's better not to know and be ABD in your twenties, than know and have dropped out of college several times and not have a direction, and have shown a few flashes of engagement here and there.Well, if I'm ABD for more than another 24 months, I might try to get a hold of something more exciting than coffee... just a fair warning.
-ll
Posted by finelinebob on August 28, 2006, at 1:10:50
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 15:14:13
> flb,
> These are really nice excerpts. Thank you very much. I will reinvestigate them next time my dosages/meds are changed and see if there is any special effect. In the meanwhile, I like them plenty for their poetic effect on my stable, caffeinated mindGlad you like them. If anything ever succeded at being a "rock opera", this did. The movie Quadrophenia came out 5 years after the album, and there's a disjoint moment that reviewers rarely notice (the scene at the beginning of the movie should really be at the end), but does a good job of moving from concept album to film. As a bonus, here's verse 2 of The Real Me for ya:
I went back to my mother I said "I'm crazy, ma, help me!"
She said, "I know how it feels, son, coz it runs in the family."
Can you see the real me, mother? Mother?If you ever need something to vibrate your rage out of you, Quadrophenia is the medicine you need. Just turn the volume up to 11.
Posted by finelinebob on August 28, 2006, at 1:17:13
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by Jost on August 27, 2006, at 13:18:44
> Don't do LSD. Unless you're in a psych lab. (I've heard they're experimenting with it again, btw)
I think there's another valid moment for taking LSD. That would be in preparation for watching David Lynch's Eraserhead. I saw that movie stone-cold sober, and I've was permanently psychologically scarred by the experience.
Some things just aren't meant to be experienced in a "normal" state of mind.
Posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 6:15:35
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by finelinebob on August 28, 2006, at 1:17:13
Could be.
It's not so bad if I have Fast Forward, which is why I tend to avoid theaters.
You have to watch the scenes that you would FF through. At home, if the main character walks through a long dark hallway for 45 seconds, I can just FF to the lighted room on the other side (and if something really bad happens there, I can FF until something better happens. And if the movie is going downhill completely, I can hit, stop).
I can think of parts of life where that would be a useful feature.
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:16:52
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious » finelinebob, posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 6:15:35
Can I fast forward through my work today? and skip to after hours? BBQ party is planned.
See the movie 'Remote Control'? Adam Sandler (echchchhh!) and dude from Apocalypse now-- help! Can't remember his name. Frightening as all hell, but very good at broadway songs. oh my. my brain is addled.
Well, it's a good premise. The movie drags ON and ON, though, so it's in dire need of some serious trimming.
-ll
Posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:18:57
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by finelinebob on August 28, 2006, at 1:17:13
LSD not so enticing, actually. Having seen one bad trip transpire in German class in the 10th grade, cannot say I'm more excited about LSD than the stomach flu.
>Some things just aren't meant to be experienced in a "normal" state of mind.
Indeed. Is psycho-babble one of those?
-ll
Posted by curtm on August 28, 2006, at 16:34:42
In reply to Feel like a loser because I am so cautious, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 0:23:45
IMO and from my experience, I feel more like a loser later in life due to my use/abuse illicit drugs earlier in life than I honestly believe I would feel if I had never tried them at all. That is all I have to say.
Posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 19:59:48
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:18:57
I sympathize with your sense of having missed out somehow, though. (Not that you exactly have.)
If I hadn't done some drugs, I'd always wonder, and wish I had. I'm glad I did even the LSD, although I'm glad I didn't do it much.
I'd never do it now-- because it's a bad idea, and can lead to bad things.
When you're in your late teens and early twenties, it's somehow good to do a few dangerous things. It doesn't need to be drugs. Just so you know what living dangerously is.-- I"m a very cautious person in general. So it does somehow add to my sense of myself to have, at least for a short time, thrown caution to the side.
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 20:55:16
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 28, 2006, at 19:59:48
Hmm. I'm getting the sense that there is a certain developmental window for indulging in illegal drugs. I guess I would be regressing if I tried to hang out with the college kids and crash their scene. And I would likely run into shady characters if I tried to find people in my own age bracket willing to help me remodel my synapses as a hobby.
I feel like I've never done anything risky. Well, except for going down the eleven-story waterslide in Japan. It was at a rather steep angle: straight down, perhaps 60 degrees? And I got the wedgie of my life. BUT I was the only girl to go on it all day long. They took my picture (probably to put on their whale-menu advertisements). Hello! Giant American girl defied gravity and gender to survive 2 seconds of absolute terror, weightlessness and chlorine enema. Available as sushi, sashimi, or whitegirlwhaleburger. White whale blubber's the tenderest source of energy on earth.
moo.
Posted by finelinebob on August 28, 2006, at 23:16:54
In reply to Re: Feel like a loser because I am so cautious » finelinebob, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:18:57
> >Some things just aren't meant to be experienced in a "normal" state of mind.
>
> Indeed. Is psycho-babble one of those?Well, I see it this way. I was home from college, out with my younger brother (and a few of his friends, HS seniors) in his candy apple brown (primer) 1968 Mustang coupe with a Cleveland 351, stock all the way (other than the Bondo). We were out on the local strip and at every red light, he'd line up and just blow people away ... didn't matter what they had -- vette's, GTOs, whatever. Wasn't just the car, he really knew what he was doing. After each time, he'd look at me kinda sheeply and say "I don't normally drive like this."
To which I eventually replied, "When are you ever normal?"
hehehe
Posted by Jost on August 29, 2006, at 4:14:46
In reply to Caution, Cations and Whale-watching. » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 20:55:16
So, I'm like off to Japan for a visit to this famous restaurant. it has an 11-story waterslide.and the tenderest whitewhale meat in the whale-eating universe. Four-star white whale meat-- worth a voyage.
They have some secret way of treating the meat. Brings out the flavor. No one knows how: secret's been handed down for generations in the family.
Some people say they take the whales and force them down the slide, because the pure chlorine bath and the andrenaline rush marinate the meat. And they only use the best prime whaleblubber.
That would be cruelty to animals, though, and I'm sure PETA would get involved. So I doubt it.
Plus no whale would be crazy enough to get into their hands. Whales know these things. Occasionally a young reckless one, maybe, but none of your cautious, sensible mature whales, or their flocks.
Jost
Posted by llrrrpp on August 29, 2006, at 5:26:14
In reply to Re: Caution, Cations and Whale-watching. » llrrrpp, posted by Jost on August 29, 2006, at 4:14:46
Posted by llrrrpp on August 29, 2006, at 21:09:38
In reply to lurp kebabs anyone? (nm) » Jost, posted by llrrrpp on August 29, 2006, at 5:26:14
On the topic of self-esteem, I would like to point out that I am larger than the average Japanese male. Imagine how fun it was to prance around THIS place all day in my swimsuit with my oh-so-undelicate cellulite, and my belly fat (why is this valued in Japanese fish, but not women?)
I'm not sure how I managed. Probably my older brother was egging me on because he is missing a "risk sensor" and likes to do various things which have been interpreted as psychopathology (trying to determine the highest place he could jump off of and land successfully... setting himself on fire... um yeah). And my younger brother needed to have me around to temper the riskiness of older brother and save face. And the other factor is that I was not merely "larger" than other women, I really felt like I was in a different category(species?) altogether, ergo, no prototype for comparison. A rare terrestrial white whale.
http://www.nagashima-onsen.co.jp/pool/index.html
Occasionally one sees a glimpse of the almost vertical slide in the flash animation in the background.
Although I *highly* doubt it, should this link include any uncivil content, I would LOVE a translation.
lurpyakitori. itadakimas!!!
-ll
Posted by Jost on August 29, 2006, at 23:02:13
In reply to Nagashima Spa-Land. more expensive than drugs. » llrrrpp, posted by llrrrpp on August 29, 2006, at 21:09:38
>
> Although I *highly* doubt it, should this link include any uncivil content, I would LOVE a translation.
>
>~~ If only I knew Japanese. Sigh. Then I could locate the photo of the amazing 8th wonder of the world, the fabulous terrestrial white whale they briefly had on display, before it left to continue its world tour.
That photo is one of their most prized possessions. Proof that the white whale actually basked in the waters of their humble resort.
Jost
This is the end of the thread.
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