Posted by Deneb on August 22, 2005, at 0:59:52
In reply to Kind of afraid of going back to school *trigger*, posted by Deneb on August 21, 2005, at 23:18:50
In the semester where I did really well, I remember I had to constantly remind myself that all was not lost because of poor past performance.
I had to keep telling myself that it was OK, that it's OK for me to take a different path and be late in graduating, that my life was NOT over.
Then...one really bad decision and the next semester was dropped. I totally lost it the day I dropped my Cell Biology Lab. I felt really bad for abandoning my lab partner...it was a very small class. Without me, there was an odd number of students and I didn't know how it would work out for my lab partner. I was in total agony...insane with anxiety. The closeness of the group made me anxious as heck.
I think maybe the two profs and the students in that class noticed there was something wrong with me. :-( I hate being the class nutcase...
Once in another laboratory, I had a panic attack because my TA didn't receive my lab report for some reason and I thought I was going to get an F.
Another time, in one of my physics classes, I had an awkward interaction with the prof and I was so embarrassed that I wanted to kill myself. I went wandering in the middle of the night...not knowing what to do, thank goodness there weren't many cars around...I wasn't looking at where I was going.
The weird thing is, sometimes when I do take action, I sincerely think that I'm OK...I was actually calm and meticulous about buying the pills and taking them. I had a plan and I just followed through...it was very easy. To me it was THE solution (not death, but a way to get out of the midterm). It made TOTAL sense to me!
There was a brief moment of sanity though, where I thought that perhaps it would be better to skip the agony of being sick and just go to the doctor to complain about having flu-like symptoms or something...but then I thought...that's way too obvious...I need to be actually sick to see a doctor. Boy was I surprised when the doctor there called the ER before I knew what was happening. I was surprised because my p-doc didn't call the ER when I ODd once before I went to see her (I didn't take quite so much then though).
Anyways...OK, bad idea to skip exams by ODing.
Deneb
poster:Deneb
thread:545022
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/studs/20050329/msgs/545051.html