Posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2015, at 2:18:24
In reply to Re: Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 3, 2015, at 20:03:58
I am really really happy about how it felt to read my file. It didn't feel retraumatising at all. I felt more empathy for my clinicians than for the old me. I mean, I did feel empathy for the old me. I think I have learned a lot... I think there are lots of things I could do from my position now to help the young me. In reading through... I was like... Oh, yeah. I can't do the emotion labelling thing (which is frustrating the hell out of that therapist) because I think you are supposed to cast your attention inwards and squint at it right and then an emotion word is supposed to sort of pop out of you.. Only... I tried and I tried but one wouldn't. And I didn't know how to get it to work... 'I don't know'... And 'I don't know' just drove her nuts. But I can read that now and sort of laugh at it. And have empathy for both, I guess.
And for doctor x who I really did think was the devil. He was the first to come out with the borderline label. He thought I was was just working the system to get in when I wanted and to get out when my attention was captured by fun things over there... And reading now... And even thinking back now... He was right. That was what I was doing. I wasn't trying to be a bad person or anything... But that kind of was what was going on. And talking about voices... Was because that seemed to get people feeling empathetic for me... It got people responding to me more in the way I needed them to... It felt like I'd found the 'magic words'. I didn't know what else to do. I started out with the truth (as best I could) and it didn't seem to work anymore...
But he was right. What the mental health system was... Didn't really have room for me. Didn't have the resources (and at times the knowledge of what was needed) to help me. I wasn't psychotic as often as I was in hospital. Most of my admissions... I probably shouldn't have been there. Others... Weren't so wedded to the letter of what the system was supposed to be... They felt more empathetically about (for example) offering temporary respite while accommodation came through. In some sense they didn't do the right thing in doing that stuff for me, though. I see that now. His perspective.
Which is good... Because some of these people might still be there. Probably not... But possibly yes. And some of the nurses... More likely to still be there. And I think... That is okay. I think... I'm finally at peace about it all.
Thank you autistic spectrum. That... Works.
Developmental. Yeah. There always was something about me... I knew it. Yeah.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1076978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20150604/msgs/1080200.html