Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2014, at 18:34:50
In reply to Re: babble is my journal now » Dr. Bob, posted by HomelyCygnet on January 1, 2014, at 15:53:01
i think one of the reasons why posting helps me feel like i'm getting stuff out is that once i've gotten it out i don't have a great deal of control over it. i can't simply burn it or whatever. it is solid, in a sense. still there. so getting it out and moving on (in a sense) isn't doing it a disservice. i have some control over it in the sense that i can look back on it if i want. i do read the archives sometimes. writing, even. i... appreciate that that stuff is still there. accessible to me.
often i do write with bob in mind. but it isn't really bob... it is a blend... my last therapist... then my dbt therapist before that. the first therapist i had (when i could talk to her). my journal. who did i have in mind when i first started writing that? i don't know. i used to talk to (at) my father... until he left. i used to pray... hardest thing about not believing in god anymore was that i didn't have anyone to talk to...
the career thing that i used to fear f*ck*ng up... is gone now.
i wanted... for my mental health problems to be a secret part of myself that nobody knew about. i wanted... to be the same as everyone else. to be accepted into graduate school on my own merits. not given any special consideration for mental health issues. i wanted to get my phd on my own merits. get a job.
but that didn't work out.
along the way... i came to know many others... professors and graduate students and post-docs who had all kinds of physical and mental health issues. how these people... were accommodating and helpful. but still... i... i didn't know how to tell them about me. because i didn't know how to tell them what was wrong. because i didn't know what was wrong.
most of the stuff... on borderline personality (even linehan's stuff)... on trauma / abuse... on dissociation... none of that seemed quite right. it seemed... too personal. too shameful. i don't know. i don't know what to say. i didn't want my current colleagues or supervisors or future employers to be thinking of me... to be thinking of any of that...
the autistic spectrum thing fits. the neurodiversity thing fits. fits together perfectly, actually. that was my thesis... difference vs dysfunction... the concerns i have... simon baron-cohen... autism as empathy deficit (where APA says elsewhere about how our empathy is what makes us human). it isn't that you have this thing... that you hide... it is you... who you are... a blend of strengths and weaknesses... differences... i am still coming to terms.
perhaps this is why my supervisor told me to look to intellectual handicap. perhaps he knew / saw more than i gave him credit for. i'm sure it was blindingly obvious to everyone but me.
it's done now.
i told my supervisor that i was diagnosed as being on the spectrum and i am on supported living because of it. i was... basically chucked out of the last 2 techs... because i couldn't function in their high-stimulus environments. but i needed the experience... the time taken to work on my motor skills... to get my body moving again after so many years of disuse and injury... university... works well because people are more like me.
but medicine is a funny sort of middle ground, actually. last time i saw my friend... i realised a lot of the things about him that struck me as odd before... even... a bit wrong with him... are actually 'good social skills' things. a hangover from his having done med before hahahaha.
if i pretend to be normal (nothing wrong with me) as best i can then other people find there is something a little bit off about me that they can't quite place. if people know i'm on the spectrum... well... they tend to feel better disposed. a little sorry for me, perhaps. but then that puts me in a frame of mind of being especially kind to them and grateful to them. and... they step in to help me when they can see me freeze up... smoothing... helping. actual proper helping. not the 'why do you say you are helping when it hurts so much' sort of helping.
i will figure a way to say that i'm on the spectrum before my med interview. i will plan on saying something about this in the interview. about what i think i can bring to medicine because of this. about how i will need supports in my team because of this. right now... they are increasing the maaori and pacific island quotas because they are recognising the best way to deal with difference is to... incorporate it. part of the whole decentralization of power thing. maybe... maybe the time is come for people like me. whatever that means.
my philosophy thesis... i feel like i don't need to write it so much anymore. i'm seeing now... the blend of consumer advocacy and academic stuff... starting to come together in a more wholistic way. it isnt there yet. but there are clear articulate voices. people who can speak both languages. it is nice to see independent convergence. makes one feel like part of something greater. to have discovered the zeitgeist (or something) while being locked away in ones own head... trying to figure stuff out...
i should write it one day... but i don't need to. other people are doing good job of it. i need to integrate it into my life... i want to do medicine now. i want.
thanks for getting me thinking on such stuff. i appreciate it. value the ability to ask hard questions. so much of my life is shame... years ago... those questions would have filled me with shame. fears. i don't feel that anymore. those feelings so strongly. sorry i'm garbeled... time for me to get out for a bit.. take a shower. go for a walk.. it is a beautiful day.
i don't quite know what is up with you for your posting and 'don't care if i'm blocked' thing... except i do have a vague feeling of feeling something like that once. only... i figured it preferable to have more control (to see the block coming) than to try my best to be careful in what i said... to not say anything that would likely upset / offend etc and... get blocked anyway.
i value your input anyway.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1056716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20131211/msgs/1057433.html