Posted by alexandra_k on December 13, 2013, at 19:39:09
In reply to Re: damn, posted by alexandra_k on December 13, 2013, at 16:13:25
i said something about how things didn't work out for me on the north shore because they didn't really listen to what i had to say...
that this might be different somehow.
then i garbled on for a bit.
i think the issue is that they didn't really listen to what i had to say about what it was that i needed. and i didn't have the power to get what i needed. i was dependent on them to look out for me how they thought best. like how they kept trying to arrange me to be around people i would interact with whereas what i kept trying to tell them was that i needed a refuge from interaction.
another part of the issue was that i didn't really have anything to say to them. because i wasn't trying to help them. i was paying rent for accommodation and i wanted to... live my life. i just wanted a quiet place to do my thesis.
if they paid me to tutor them... hell... it isn't even about the money. if they viewed me / saw me *as* a tutor. so... my voice wasn't just another yappy voice in the general yap of mostly ignorant opinion and nonsense about (sort of about) how one was able to study etc... that was again what i meant by 'nobody would listen to me'. like how i was saying about how just one corner of a place on the whole freaking property that was set aside for silence. how *anybody* could use it so long as they used it for silent activity... this was supposed to be too f*ck*ng hard.
i'm going to catch up with someone i used to live with... i feel more connected to her than the others. because she is more introverted / sensitive. calm. i went for a walk with her a couple times. on one occasion she showed me where she went for quiet. i will walk with her through the domain. she is wonderfully artistic. painting. but also amazing with weaving flax and all kinds of things. and she spent a bit of time in australia...
she could have used the quiet space for her.
sigh.
i have just remembered the book "Heart of Darkness" . Studied it my first year of uni, even. didn't much like it at the time... don't think i finished it, actually, which was rare for me. In this last batch of grading someone worked on an argument about power corrupting and absolute power corrupting absolutely... i need to think on this. what is important. saying 'f*ck' (and not 'f*ck you' but more like 'f*ck*ng yeah!' offended and upset the people over on the north shore health campus). my supervisor used to upset people by saying he thought they were working on stuff that was a f*ck*ng waste of time etc etc etc. i think sometimes people missed that if you asked him WHY he thought that... he had pretty good ideas actually about participating in a social project instead of doing... well... what i did for a while there. uh. go off and be a bit autistic all by youself. i guess. work on some problem nobody around you is working on. don't connect and contribute to the work of others.
i see... i am moving into the next phase of life. or something like that. starting... starting to be able to see the judgements / comments of others aren't personal so much as their sort of crying out for help with reframing. i remember that... needing that... sigh. yesterday i was walking home and someone was standing on the street... this indian (guess) girl was walking a few paces ahead of me. the person standing on the street... our eyes connected and she lost it. went ranting (apparently at me) how 'you should f*ck*ng go home to where you came from!'. i just kept walking. didn't think until i was nearly home... i should have said 'but i like auckland much more than hamilton - where are you from?'. i was feeling too guilty for my current place. because... she was probably homeless... i see...
i see how grades pale compared to actual clinical skills... i see that there are only so many hours in the day...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1055362
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20131211/msgs/1056086.html