Posted by floatingbridge on May 15, 2011, at 17:30:58
In reply to Re: dissocive 'issues', posted by hyperfocus on May 15, 2011, at 15:15:36
My Lord, you have done alot of work that is really great! I wish life was easier for you--I am so sorry for everything. Yes. I recognize those three parts very well. Your post is very helpful and eloquent. It has me thinking. So I'm not alone. Not that any of us really are....
When I trialed Lyrica, I thought I might have had a stroke, because I had a few
times of sheer hateful rage pour through me. I give myself big big points for not becoming outright abusive during those episodes to others. I ranted and I guess that 'observor' side watched as I went on and on with such criticism; it was as if I involuntary held some terrible weapon
and kept spinning around so as not to
hurt anyone all the while that it was hurting me, as well, just to hold it. I had to protect myself and others.I admit that I am still incorporating the experience rather than use it as another piece of evidence against myself. That's
big progress for me. I think (hope) the power of that internal angry person who berates and scrutinizes me is being incorporated into my core. Incorporated is a great word. Brought into a body.
That very angry person recognized my distress as a child--a wise mind gone insane by being asked to do too much. First, it tried to minimize my vulnerability
to attack. Then the angry person also kept my core humanity intact by recognizing my basic human needs for justice, safety, and love by attributing blame and taking responsibility. Never
mind that my anger was turned inward and I became responsible for *the world*. Those three things being in
short supply, my creative processes kicked in. How could I blame my parent/love objects? I needed not only to be loved, but to be able to love. I felt such pain and breech of identity as a child, yet had no means of addressing it or even escaping it, like you being dropped off at school. To me *it* was everywhere.Someday I will write that angry beast a love note. At least a thank you card.
Right now I'm finding a school for my child, and it is an amazing and difficult process because, as my pdoc rightly
spotted, my child happens to be my biggest trigger. I'd throw myself in front
of a train for him. My therapist reminds me that there is no train. That is history. But as someone mentioned in another thread, history still lives. So I get ramped up and talked down about secondary trauma constantly.The floating feeling you mention. I have that often. I thought about changing my screen name even because I need more ground beneath my feet because I am an older adult, and the trajectory of my illness is within the example of untreated ptsd: fibromyalgia, MDD. I didn't begin active recovery until very late. I certainly don't feel everyone with ptsd follows the same course. I work with not blaming myself for becoming ill, too. It's second nature to use everything against myself, but I am learning. And I truly find myself with very company in my recovery process. Many stellar folks. Kind, good
folks.Have read about prophylactic measures being studied for ptsd prevention? I've read that researchers are mapping the windows of long and short term memory storage. Now this would really only help victims of discrete trauma. Somewhere after 12-24 hours, immediate memories
are stored as permanent memory in another area of the brain. If morphine is given at a sufficient dose within this therapeutic window it interferes with the memory storage in ways that show promise for crime, war, and disaster victims.Thank you for discussing some of your
experience and knowledge on board, and for speaking up the way you do. I find your input very helpful.fb
* and whoever gazes at the stars will never again be quite alone...
c-ptsd & attendant health concerns
poster:floatingbridge
thread:984747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20110407/msgs/985401.html