Posted by Racer on January 10, 2006, at 14:27:34
In reply to repeating old patterns? need advice!, posted by JenStar on January 9, 2006, at 21:33:06
I've been through this, and will predict that there's not much you can do to avoid unpleasantness. It sounds as though this woman has a problem with respecting other people's boundaries, and she may very well react to anything you say with hostility. Please be prepared for the worst, when you confront her.
Which I think you should do.
The one thing I recommend, is that you say nothing more or less than stating your needs. "Right now, I can't be as close as you apparently want to be. I don't have the energy to speak with you every day, I need time away from you. Please respect my needs." Whether or not you include the lawsuit is up to you -- I doubt you'd really need to, since I suspect that saying what I just wrote will be enough to set her off. That, of course, is just my experience with the couple of people I've experienced this sort of thing with. So it might just be projection...
Whatever happens, Jen, please start out with a nice little piece of paper where you've written down your side of it -- that you're feeling stalked, that you need to respect your own boundaries, that it is perfectly OK to meet your own needs first. Do whatever you need to, to avoid buying in to any attacks that might come your way.
The most recent time I experienced something like this, I didn't even say anything about not continuing the acquaintance. I just said that I needed some quiet time, without daily telephone and email contact. And that set off a flood of calls and emails -- 9 calls and 12 emails in one day, all saying some version of "I understand your needs and support you." Well, that isn't supporting my need for time away from someone, right? When I said that, stating only my needs and my discomfort, I got something back that basically ripped me up one side and down the other as a terrible person, passive aggressive, with personality disorders out the wazoo, etc. And I immediately said I was wrong, that I was a terrible person, etc. My typical sort of reaction: it must be my fault. It was a terrible time for me, while I had many other very bad things happening, and I wish I had had some way to remind myself htat I really wasn't being unreasonable to say that I didn't want quite so much contact.
Anyway, good luck with it.
poster:Racer
thread:597349
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060108/msgs/597599.html