Posted by Gabbix2 on December 21, 2005, at 21:31:19
In reply to Re: survival instinct *poss Trig* » Gabbix2, posted by zeugma on December 21, 2005, at 16:15:47
>
> thank you Gabbi. Your kind words are soothing, especially since you do understand.I am so glad. Even a little warmth feels amazing when you're in that netherworld
>
> It isn't, This is why CBT was a disaster.It was a disaster for me as well. Additionally so were relaxation techniques.. I'd immediately associate the techniqes with the terror, and if it wasn't there it reared it's ugly head.
Just like Pavlov's dog.. except well you know, I didn't salivate.> > That survival instinct can be a tricky thing..
> > When I made the decision to suicide I'd suddenly obsessively fear death, which had only seemed to be a comfort the day before.
> >
> I know exactly what you mean. I would calm myself, at the most severe moments of depression, with the thought that I would eventually die, and so not experience the terror and pain any more. But then I would start examining my body for signs of deadly diseases, and this created a morbid preoccupation that was itself terrifying. As a child I did not expect to reach adulthood. Many times I didn't expect to wake up the next morning (or I should say, the next day).
> > I used to get people to write to me, just mundane daily things they do.. because it seemed ironically, magical to me, that there was life, ordinariness, even happiness out there.
> >
> I would watch others in amazement that they could do mundane activities. I would see people crossing the street and would imagine that they could see the cars without straining to see them, and this shocked me. I told a close friend about ten years ago that my life was a 'worst-case scenario.' Meaning, not that every terrible that could happen had happened to me, but that there was so little of *me* <essence of me, feeling of being alive> to go around that that little had to be concentrated on pure survival. No therapist, to whom I've explained this at length to (meaning, every one of them) seemed to show the slightest grasp of what I was saying. Maybe they didn't grasp it- which would have been fine- but then they would have asked me what I was talking about! Or admitted they didn't understand! Ah, listening skills...yes, I've had no success with therapy either.
NONE Not saying it isn't possible, I just didn't have the motivation to keep searching for s omeone who had the slightest clue what my problem entailed.> > Well, all that was my feeble attempt at empathizing. I've been free of it for two years, but I'll never be convinced that it's gone for good.
> >
> Far from feeble. I am very, very happy that you have been free from it, and ardently wish that it doesn't come back. I am afraid of its absence- hence the panic when I focused on something other than survival (like buying new furniture). But that fear, unlike the kind of nameless terror I suffered from before, is somewhat amenable to analysis of its causes, and does have a rational base in that fear of starving, for instance, has motivated me to eat when all I wanted to do was stay in bed for weeks at a time. Fear of that nature is adaptive. As is the fear that I could sleep through multiple alarms (because I do in fact sleep through them, and did yesterday, much to my enormous chagrin).I've heard.. actually the only person I've read who acknowledged the nameless terror as a significant aspect of illness, was Andrew Solomon in "The Noonday Demon"
He spoke of people taking up fear sports just so they could have some sort of feeling of control over the terror they would be feeling anyway.
> > I hope you find some comfort.
>
> I have, and also in your words which are kind and empathetic ((Gabbi))((Zeugma))
> >
> >
> >
>
>
poster:Gabbix2
thread:590717
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051215/msgs/591104.html