Posted by spoc on May 30, 2004, at 13:26:49
In reply to massive rant about being single, posted by Emme on May 30, 2004, at 8:48:28
Emme, that wasn't huge OR a bummer, except to hear that it all has you feeling so bad about life and yourself. I see a lot of fun and humor in many of your posts, and also a woman who believes in her principles and standards, and who could never be boring because she has many opinions to share. I'm so sorry you are feeling like giving up, and wish that there was something I could say on that front that wouldn't just be the same old thing.
If you don't mind, I'll add some of my own pet peeves in re: singledom. But first, as to one of your main points. I pretty much agree with tterees that not all women abandon their friends once in relationships. Sure, plenty do! But probably almost as often, what may really feel striking is just the drastic change in the dynamics of the relationship. And, the change in the things you could previously commiserate about (e.g. being single), and make your plans around (targeted to places where there are single men, which the friend may not be as open to anymore).
Many of the things that may have afforded us welcome and shared relief will seem to be gone. And of course, they really don't have as much time to spare. Even in the "going steady" phase, being someone who insists on putting their friends first rather than their partner is an equally unliked trait.
I had a friend who was formerly joined-at-the-hip with me finally abandon *me* with much disgust when she realized that a relationship I had gotten into wasn't going to blow over this time. And while however he and I conducted our relationship was our own business, in this case we were virtually always in groups, with as many singles as couples. This friend would have been able to see me virtually as much as ever, without being a third wheel. But she couldn't get used to not being the first person I checked in with and arrived at final decisions with. And took off with when the current venue/activity wasn't sufficient in one of our opinions.
Two years later and after the break up of the relationship with that guy, she admitted our falling out was all her fault and asked to make up. But I have to live with the fact that what it all amounted to was her not wanting to see me happy, and not even being able to bring herself to do the clearly right thing and at least FAKE IT.
Well, that's a very extreme example and not relevant here, but the point is, I do think many times you can continue to have a reasonable association with the involved friend, but things beyond the time factor will have changed, and something will be missing. But maybe it's more on us to learn to accept that.
Ok, now my singledom gripes: This probably won't help, but I wish I could give you some of how I feel about being single. I have had to admit to myself by now that that is what I prefer. I can be close to someone, I can be committed to someone, and I consider myself to have a good attitude about relationships and no baggage. BUT. As of yet, at the end of the day, I am compelled to be alone way too much for it to work in a relationship. I am also in no organizational or stability shape to consistently uphold my end of things in a traditional relationship, especially something like having kids.
Anyway, the point is, although a longtime companion would be nice, I am happy to be alone, although if I could push a button to be different I would, because I assume I am missing a lot. Though some would say NOT, or that whatever makes you happy is the right thing for you.
However, I too deal with annoying messages from society sometimes. Few (except those very close to you) believe that you *really* prefer to be alone. They may assume you must be bitter, have some defect lying in store, or are at the least conceited to claim you have simply not wanted to settle down with anyone. Often, in speaking with anyone from any stage of life, after you contentedly reply that you just never were the marrying kind; they will respond with assurances (you didn't ask for) that "That is OK!" or with assurances that the right man will come along someday. Then, if you try to discuss it, it may become a matter of "Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?" (I have been in relationships lasting between two to ten years, so maybe I should just start saying I am divorced or something. But that wouldn't be much better.)
And sometimes, men will make some comment that shows they take for granted that any woman over a certain age will be hoping to marry him or forcing things should he date her. Then I wonder if he thinks he would be doing her some favor if he does so anyway, and if he makes her feel like she is somehow on probation as to her words and actions and freedom to be herself. Or if she loses the "right" to be believed if she appears to fancy him in particular, and is thought in reality to probably "fancy" any man available.
So whether a single woman "of a certain age" is that way by preference or not, we all seem destined to have assumptions leveled at us. I had hoped that someday I would start feeling the desire to have children, but I never did. However, it is still somewhat taboo to admit that, and if doing so to rebut someone who seems to be stereotyping, you may pass through that to being perceived as a "bad example of womanhood."
I can remember feeling paralyzed in a conversation with an admittedly very commitment-phobic guy I had been seeing, when he bluntly stated that my age in itself and the assumptions he made about my biological clock were scaring him, and keeping him from being himself. But, he made it clear he did adore and dream of having children. So there I was, not wanting to say something like I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A COMMITMENT PAL, because I do like to be close and special to someone if I'm going to bother with them at all, and don't want to invite cavalier treatment. And, he had the big sanctity of motherhood thing, so I didn't feel comfortable admitting I was pretty sure I didn't want kids. But, I learned to avoid guys like that, because it is insulting. And we obviously had different goals anyway.
Can I tell you how much the aftermath of that book "The Rules" irritated me??? Then, if a woman *was* by nature not in a hurry or not inclined towards relationships, her "elusive" behavior would seem to demonstrate that she must be following The Rules. And if she ever did express anything or seem to about wanting a relationship, then she would be told she SHOULD read The Rules. So it was "d*mned if you do, d*mned if you don't."
As far as the behavior of friends who are anxious for relationships, here's my biggest irritation. I have several friends who scope out good man-hunting ideas in advance, and then want practically a written and enforceable contract that I will accompany them to the event or bar. This, despite the fact that I have been up front from the start that my mood, energy and feelings of physical wellness vary greatly. Yes, I know there is also the component that they do enjoy my company and would like to see me, but if pressed, they won't deny that the primary reason for the push is the possibility of meeting men. Even just to flirt or... you know, if that's all that is available.
I can also smoke that out by attempting a switcheroo, as in "Ok, you say you just want to get out, and just want to enjoy my company. Then why don't we just go to a movie, or this-or-that restaurant/venue that is low profile and off the beaten track (i.e., unlikely to result in standing around flirting with boys or going deep into the night on some adventure). Then poof, their real motive comes clear: Find a man ASAP, after which *they'd* be the ones expecting *me* to understand as they went on to live their own lives, which wouldn't afford as much priority for me. Which I WOULD and always have, no problem. (They do enjoy doing the little things on a socially lesser occasion, like a Monday or something.)
I know I am the oddball there, and it is fine and understandable and normal for women to want there to be an element of the possibility of meeting someone when they do go out socially. And I too can be a live wire and enjoy rambunctious or higher profile outings in better times; and realize that when something like a concert or benefit is involved, an advance decision about the event is indeed required.
But, what hurts and upsets me is that these friends know that I have been slipping into a serious fog and crisis, and when it comes to the routine party or bar-hopping on weekends, they would still rather pressure me for advance answers and prefer to guilt me into attending. Even if I feel like crap that day and am too depressed and/or insecure to even have conversations (unless I drink too much), all so they can meet men.
I tell them every time, here is my mantra: "YES, you don't deserve to be left hanging. So BY ALL MEANS, if you need an answer now rather than the morning of the outing you are hoping for, then the answer is NO. MAKE other plans, cover yourself, absolutely." They KNOW it is not that I am holding out for better offers. But I *always* end up being cast as a problem and a pain. In my heart I don't feel like it really should be my fault if they don't have, or don't start seeking, other friends to do things with. Or like enough/are as comfortable with. But I apologize for myself as though I am ruining their lives.
I am equally mad at myself for ever letting people get me in this position, and for offering to justify myself and tell more about my personal problems than I want to, in order to provide excuses. If/when I make some new friends, I swear I am going to tell them up front as soon as the subject comes up that "Ya know what, I NEVER (well, in better times I can sometimes) decide what I'm up for until the morning of the thing. I'm sorry if that is inconvenient so let the burden be on me. Go ahead and make plans without me, and I'll just have to live with missing out on some things." And then NEVER explain myself, and reveal secrets I don't want to reveal, in order to justify my decisions.
Sorry Emme, all that was probably of no comfort to you, but was at least hopefully distracting, or showed how all camps to the societal problems with being single are affected negatively in some ways. And I do relate to the feeling like giving up thing for different reasons, and lend my sincere empathy to you there. There really are friends out there who won't abandon you over a man (which I know is not your main point). Partially as evidenced by the existence of someone like me! I hope your spirits soon swing up!
poster:spoc
thread:352101
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/352155.html