Posted by Angel Girl on May 26, 2004, at 13:58:22
In reply to Re: A Place In The Sun, posted by Scott in Vermont on May 26, 2004, at 13:20:17
Hi Scott
Thanks for replying my post. I do feel a connection with the people who come to PB. I feel that we all understand each other. We may have different experiences in life that brought us here and our current situation may be different but there is a common thread among us that binds us together. That's why we come here. To me, it's a safe haven where I can be accepted. I'm sure others feel that way too. I can't make it in the 'real' world. I've tried so many times but every time I try, I run into problems. I'm too different, my mind doesn't work like theirs does. I see alterior motives in what they do or say to me. I analyze to death what they say to me and I misinterpret their motives. They eventually get sick of what I'm like, my negativity and my being BP and all that comes with it. They can't deal with it and so they always abandon me. It hurts so much, I don't think it's worth even trying anymore. I'm always going to be BP, there is no cure. I can't change that. My meds don't help me, they're constantly changing them. I'm tired of dealing with all this crap. I've been on long term disability from work for almost 3 years. I only seem to be able to relate to people here and with people that I've met here that I e-mail regularily. I feel like there is a whole world out there that I don't belong in. I've become a recluse in the last several months. I only go out when I absolutley have to, to go to the bank, doctors and to buy groceries. That's it. I have absolutely no desire at any other time to leave my apartment. I call it my comfort zone. Nobody can hurt me here. It's safe and I'm used to it now. I don't even have the desire to change it. My family is very concerned about it and told me that this is no way to live but to me, it's the only way to live. I'm perfectly happy to stay here alone with my 2 cats.
You're right, I haven't hit bottom yet, and I hope that I don't. I remember that all too well and I don't want to go back there EVER, especially when I was suicidal. I lost a few 'friends' with my last attempt. They were so angry with me but they also never asked me how I was doing, they showed no compassion. They didn't care. There was no love for me, just anger directed at me. They said the most horrific and hurtful things to me at the time and then abandoned me. People always abandon me. They can't deal with me. That's why I won't even try to deal with them anymore. I know the outcome so why bother, I will save myself the heartache and pain that they could have caused me.
I will stay with people who are also suffering in some way. They'll understand me as I understand them. Our circumstances may be different but our pain is the same.
I do have friends that I can related to because they are also afflicted in one way or another and I have sent them an e-mail to let them know how I am feeling. They are internet friends. I have no 'real' friends, only ones I've met on the net and that's ok with me.
Thanks for reaching out to me. Your words mean a lot to me.
Take care of yourself.
Angel Girl
poster:Angel Girl
thread:350711
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/350810.html