Posted by SandyWeb on May 21, 2004, at 18:05:46
In reply to Re: Today was........ » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on May 21, 2004, at 8:09:44
You know what is hard for me?
The more years that go by, the more I see examples (over and over again) of how I don't manage to succeed in what I set out to accomplish. It's getting more difficult to trick myself into thinking that I'm NOT that person.....because I have too much of a history of it now. I fail and I fail and I fail. And the longer I stick around, the more I'll still see it.
By finishing University, it would have accomplished so much....I began and completed school, I entered into my chosen profession, and I was able to get us off Welfare and provide for us myself. Wow!! So many successes in just one event!! And those three momentous successes would have wiped out all the countless other failures up to that point simply because I would have proven to myself that I *AM* worthwhile. But I'm still just the ineffective little speck of dust.
If I had one wish, I would wish to go back in time. Ha! Like that is going to happen. But I would change a few things. I would still marry Michael and go through all that crap. I'd still wait to leave until after Carly was born. All of those events gave me life experience....allowed me to have a better appreciation and understanding in order to relate to others in similar situations. I wouldn't change that. I certainly am not looking for a sheltered life. But after the kids and I left, I would have begun school sooner and I would have strengthened myself up in order to maintain that long stretch of University! I would have had confidence in myself. I would have really pushed myself. I would have succeeded.
Of course, there's no going back in time. Not going to happen. I am stuck where I am. I am stuck with who I am. And obviously, as history reveals to me, I'm not going to change. I may be a good person and really want to help others and to have a purposeful use in this life....but it doesn't change what is.
I really would like to go blank. To just stop functioning for a time. To just cease being. To have it go black. To not have any knowledge of conscious or subconscious. To just disappear for a bit.
And again, we know that people don't just go blank. But wouldn't it be nice? Just for awhile?
Such an uplifting mood I'm in today, huh? Ah well, such is life. *smile*
No plans, no dates.....no need to worry. Just mopey.
Sandra
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/349356.html