Posted by SandyWeb on May 20, 2004, at 22:27:20
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2004, at 4:57:53
.....THE day. But it didn't happen, as you can see.
I had settled on the 20th about three weeks ago, after the OD episode in the hospital. Child Tax comes on the 20th of each month, which is a government allowance for people with children. I knew the bills could be paid, and as luck would have it, Welfare was getting reinstated soon too.
At first is was just a general plan, but as time passed it became much more concrete. I knew where I was going, what I was doing. I was going out with a bang! I was actually going to town partying, maybe even find me a little sex (lol!), and then I had a place and a way.
And even though I could stop going back and forth in my mind (since a decision was already made), it still was an odd three weeks.
Then, a couple of days ago, my thinking changed. Pretty much overnight. I really don't know why, but I didn't feel any type of satisfaction with my decision anymore. It just wasn't going to happen. And I almost felt like I wanted to grieve the end of the plan. The plan was what helped me make it through the past weeks. Now, again, I was rather left in limbo-land. But I knew that "the plan" wasn't part of my plan anymore. *smile*
It's interesting how close one can come to actually doing something that may not feel right by the next day. If my date had been for the 18th, would I be dead now because my thinking process hadn't changed by then? I don't see what really would have stopped me. I was actually looking forward to going out of this world partying. Gosh, wonder if I even still know how to party at 39?? Lol.
So, today has been a little bitter sweet. My anchor pulled up and left me stranded planless again. *wink* Whatever shall I do?
I put out four emails to local organizations that I am interested in volunteering my time with. I still have not heard one response back. That's rather disheartening.
I went on the University's website tonight and saw the list of students graduating next week. A bunch of them I know from the first year of nursing, when I wasn't in the program yet but the Nursing Department actually let me take a couple courses. (The following year I was admitted into the Advanced Standing option...taking the first 2 years in 1 year...and then the final 2 years in 2 years). So...I would have been graduating with these people if I hadn't taken the 2 Leave of Absences. I knew a lot of the people. It hurt to see some of their names listed and Bachelor of Science Nursing beside it. It really hurt. What happened to me?
Oh, and that stand-off is still going on here. A husband, wife, elderly mum, and a 5-month old girl. Over 48-hours now. I guess my guys are probably in the thick of it. I hope everyone is doing okay over there.
Sorry I've been quiet today. It was so odd not to actually be putting into place this plan that was already engrained in my mind as seeming to already have taken place. You know? I mean, it was just such a fixture of my thought for the past 3 weeks. And then...a couple days before...my brain decides to play tricks with me and bail out! Lol. It rather left me with an empty shell. What to do now??
Tell me.....the ones who have been through suicidal episodes.....how long before you finally could say that you were doing okay? How long before you felt safe with yourself? I've never been suicidal in my life, and it just seems like it hangs on with such tenacity once it claims you.
Time for bed. Take care all!
Sandra
poster:SandyWeb
thread:327575
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040517/msgs/349046.html