Posted by kara lynne on January 5, 2004, at 1:29:10
to tell me he's doing Bikram yoga every other day. He said he knows I was trying to get him to do yoga for years but not THIS kind. (He also made sure to mention that I didn't do it myself--I was trying to get us to go together). He told me where he does it (so that I could AVOID seeing him there, but still go somewhere for myself--because of his altruistic motives--ISN'T that SPECIAL?). Said he thought it would help my back and neck. Started out saying 'Sorry for the intrusion', and ended saying 'Love you forever'.
I changed the subject line to 'Do not ever write me again.' and sent it back to him.
WHY IS HE DOING THIS? CAN HE REALLY THINK THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR AFTER ALL THIS TIME?
He said Bickram is 'brutal for beginners', but gets all the toxins out and yadda yadda yadda. Last I knew him he was a fifty pound overweight diabetic who could barely get on a treadmill. I said so many times that my wish for us was to move in together and help each other become healthier. He was never interested except to invalidate whatever idea I might have come up with. Magically since we've split, he's had a gigantic breakthrough, is now doing extreme yoga every other day and ready to enlighten the pathetic people littering his path. Why he's probably reversed his Type1diabetes and become a veritable Don Juan as well. Why is it so important to him that I know that he is doing now what he would not do with me? That every thing that was killing our relationship he is finally changing--but not asking me to be with him? That is intentional hurt, is it not?
Not a word about us, me, a broken heart, a destroyed relationship.
Meanwhile I'm one up if I can walk around the block these days, he knows this and he's playing on it. I called my therapist/ counselor/ whatever because I was shaking upset, and woke up her husband at 10:30 at night. She was ok about it but of course I felt like a jerk. She said he just needs to continually find ways to make himself look superior and make me wrong, because somewhere he knows he isn't doing anything right.
Ironically I just came from seeing 'Something's Gotta Give", which I loved. I was almost on the floor watching Diane going through her break-up scene, because that's exactly how I've been feeling for the past six months. Then Jack would keep coming to her with these ridiculously disconnected phrases like, 'You are a woman to be loved', and later on, 'Take care'. These could have come out of my ex's mouth. He will say anything but the only thing that matters. It's maddening beyond belief. This (telling me he's doing yoga now) is what he calls my parents and says is him trying?
I don't know if I responded how I should have. I don't know what I should have done. Now I really am saying he can't write me. I guess he's not going to be following me city to city anytime soon to tell me he loves me and wants me back. And if this is the only kind of email I'm going to get then I don't want it. So now he'll say, "I won't let him write me", it will all be my fault.
Is this intentional? If I can consider that he is actually in front of me with a pointed gun, knowing full well how it would make me feel, it's easier to know what to do. When it's disguised in this condescending, nauseating 'let me help you make your life better' stuff, it just gets me agitated and confused. He titled the original post "What might help", and I was thinking I'd find some suggestion about our relationship inside.
Silly me.
poster:kara lynne
thread:296579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031229/msgs/296579.html