Posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 14:59:28
In reply to how to phrase a slow-down request?, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 14:09:46
Hiya, Med--
> This is "small", but has me in a tizzy.
<<Its not small if it's bugging you.>>and I got the feeling that she does a lot of "caretaking" ... and in turn gets to talk about her interesting friends.
>
> Well, now she's calling me several times a week, with little things. ..........but I get the feeling that she wants me to behave in a certain way, that I'm supposed to fill a certain role and let her play a role.
<<I have a very similar situation with a neighbor here. A little older, no kids, married, 1200 dogs. :-) She's a little more aggressive than I'd like, even calling me at 8 in the morning, which for anyone who knows me, is just insane.Anyway, I don't know how much help I'll be...
I think the tension you feel with this woman *could* be because even though you initially liked her, her emerging personality might not seem so attractive to you. I think you were being very nice when really saying she's nosy and she's a gossip, right? And you are a private person and don't want to be subjected to that....am I way off base?
With the woman in my neighborhood, I'm perfectly pleasant. If she suggests something I think I'll enjoy, I go. If she suggests something goofy, I just say no thanks. I never explain why not, or I'll just say I'm busy that day. I *never* suggest things or invite her anywhere. She seems fine with this. And I don't have to feel obligated to do anything I don't really want to do.
>
> This woman is a really pleasant person ... if we can go back to the breezy exchange we had before and take things slowly from there.
<<If you enjoy coffee with her, can you turn down everything *but* coffee? Maybe she'll just fall into a comfortable habit of seeing you every few weeks for a drink or something...
>>I have a pattern of cutting people off completely (sometimes I do try to explain I need more distance, but often it's poo-poohed and then I cut off)
<<Me, too. I get that emotional, yet almost physical skin-crawly feeling when someone is in my space, up too close. And so I cut them off, like there's no middle ground...I'm gonna say go with the coffee thing....not your house, not hers, somewhere public...and only on occasion. She'll figure it out soon enough.>> and, selfish as this might sound, I really want to exercise my boundary-setting AND bridge-building.
<<Not selfish at all!Good luck.....Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:289129
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/289142.html