Posted by Larry Hoover on October 20, 2003, at 9:46:42
In reply to Re: Boasting about Drug abuse » Nikki « shar, posted by Dr. Bob on October 20, 2003, at 8:27:51
I'm sorry, but I felt a need to rename the thread....
> Nikki,
> I think what MB is getting at is if we could MAKE people feel a certain way, we would undoubtedly make them feel happy and content and serene.We can create a momentum one way or the other, but we can't determine the final product.
> This does not mean that what people say to us doesn't have an effect on us. However, there are a lot of people who, when confronted by negative input will choose (maybe because they were brought up that way) to think "god, that person is nuts!" Which, in many cases, is the case, imho.Many people believe that an event, e.g. words spoken, behaviour observed, leads directly to an emotive response, the feelings. I think that model is incorrect. Learning to recognize that model is incorrect is part of gaining control over the process itself.
Symbolically, the event leading to feeling model can be represented as E --> F. The correct (IMHO) version, however, is E + I --> F. The I stands for interpretation.
Our brain will bring to bear the net effects of our past experiences, assumptions, expectations, attitudes, beliefs, social indoctrination, etc. etc., so that an observed event is interpreted a particular way, and our feeling will then reflect the interpretation. Two people viewing the same event can have absolutely opposite feelings arising, and the only way to explain that is through different interpretations.
Unless you recognize that you're interpreting those things you observe, you have no power over the flow towards emotive response. Gaining control over that processing step is a significant part of what we call cognitive-behavioural therapy. Going back to my symbolical representation, it's recognizing that the only place I have any control is over the "I" in the middle (congruence with the Serenity Prayer intentional).
> There are things we feel hurt about, and those closest to us have the most "ammo" to invite us to feel worthless (which we may have learned at a very young age), or stupid, or...whatever. There are choices we can make if we know what our triggers are.In common usage today is the phrase "He was pushing my buttons", or similar. It's often used to deflect responsibility. Certainly, the button pusher is most often aware of the button pushing going on, but whose buttons are they? And, why would someone with buttons leave them exposed so that anyone in the world can push them at will?
I once had a sponsee who had a violent relationship with his wife. In his view, she would "wind him up by pushing his buttons" until he'd end up smacking her. Then she'd beat him to a pulp, and he'd end up in the hospital. I had to teach him how to disconnect his buttons. That's something in his power, and only his. I used a visual representation, of a telephone keypad. It was like she knew his phone number. 555-1212 and violence erupted. I told him to change the phone number, and get an unlisted one. The buttons wouldn't do the same thing any more. That's the simplified version, but it worked for him.
> By the same token, there are things we feel bad about just because they are. The loss of someone close, the death of a beloved friend. We will feel bad about that, and that seems less of a choice to me. We miss them, we grieve.
We're still interpreting the event, the death. Most may feel grief, but some may feel relief, others anger, and so on, based on individual interpretation. Some feelings seem to be "universal", by which I mean they don't seem to require explanation, but that speaks more to what I would call being human, rather than to insight into the process leading to feelings themselves.
> I personally do not feel I can "make" a person feel a certain way. As I said earlier, if I had that power, I would make everyone happy.
Thank you for having that attitude. :-)
> However, if I know someone's "soft spots" and jab them there, I will probably know they will feel hurt. That, thank goodness, is not my agenda. But, with some people it is their agenda, to hurt, to jab, to poke.
Yes, sadly true.
> I believe it comes down to a difference--one person feels one way, one person feels another. And (thru 20+ years of therapy) if we can accept the differences, and hold onto ourselves during an assault, we can see that it is the other person who is attacking, and we don't necessarily have to buy what they are saying.
If I may restate that as "we don't have to interpret the event the way they want us to"...
> To me, accepting differences (you see it one way, I see it another) is of utmost importance in relationships.
>
> xoxo
> SharExcellent conclusion. Thanks, Shar.
Regards,
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:270780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031020/msgs/271057.html