Posted by Temmie on August 26, 2003, at 7:34:04
In reply to Home Again (long), posted by Temmie on August 25, 2003, at 20:48:30
Good hearing from you both ... and good ideas. I liked the notion of looking at my behaviors as "slips" (as when dieting), and adopting the attitude that I just need to pick up again. Makes me think of smiling when you feel ill .... You know, "faking it until you're making it." Have you heard that? Maybe if I can just "fake" or go along with the plan (which my better wisdom advises) that I'm letting go ... and just keep working that plan .... Eventually I'll get there. Thank goodness there's such distance between the two of us.
Tabitha, I also like your idea about not obsessing for one day. One day at a time. This book I keep mentioning ("How to Break Your Addiction to a Person") is really quite good -- and has interesting stuff in there about what the author terms "attachment hunger" (left over from childhood days), and ... well -- when I'm more awake and have the book handy, I'll share more of his theories. Very interesting. Very helpful. There's also a list of "aphorisms" in the back (the book is old, today I believe they'd be called affirmations), and one of them is: "If it's still the same in five or ten years, would you still want it?"
People don't change.
* * * * *
On to Jared, I was checking his email last night, and found an outgoing email to his girlfriend -- which (gasp) I read. He talked about getting drunk with friends and falling off the dock into the lake. Then jumping in fully clothed and losing his Birkenstocks -- then finding the Birkenstocks, etc. etc. etc. He talked about his tearful farewell and apologized for his depression (!) .... I felt ... and feel ... so bad.
I didn't mention last night, but when I was moving him into his dorm, I took a big swig out of a water bottle and found it was full of vodka. (!) It made me sick that he'd been drinking and driving all these weeks leading up to his departure -- and, aside from that, of course -- that he felt he needed alcohol -- in a school that has a strictly outlined "no substance abuse" policy.
I didn't take it away though. I just said, "Jeez, is this vodka?" then cautioned him to be careful. He's an adult now. I didn't say that, but the meaning was implied.
When leaving, I wished I had something more prophetic to say. You know, "that's one small step for a man ... one giant leap ...." Instead, I told him to be careful. How did it go? Something like, "Don't drink from your water bottle all in one sitting, and don't drink in your room by yourself and get all sad and weepy ...."
Can you imagine?
I feel like such a flop of a mom, but I guess -- intuitively -- I knew he was sad and weepy .... And that was one of the things he mentioned to his girlfriend. Apologies for "blubbering" and crying and being depressed.
What should I do now? I hope this family malaise doesn't follow Jared .... He's a National Merit Scholar, by the way, and got nearly a free-ride scholarship to this premier liberal arts college. He's smart. But emotionally smart?
I wonder what I should do.
Well, ladies ... I'm off to find some breakfast and to ready my third-grade classroom. I have hours of sweat and toil before me (how I long for crisp autumn days and sweater weather!), and a parent coming in after lunch. Wonder if I can get my furniture rearranged and boxes unpacked by then?
XXX, Temmie
poster:Temmie
thread:254069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030818/msgs/254266.html