Posted by kara lynne on June 18, 2003, at 13:32:12
In reply to Re: Kara, also.... (long), posted by wendy b. on June 18, 2003, at 7:48:21
Wendy,
You're a peach. Thank you for telling me exactly what I need to hear. Everything you said is right on (except for the part about feeling sorry for him--I wish I were there, but he's being so unbelievably arrogant that it's difficult to feel anything but anger and hurt).He didn't come home at all last night. I know this was designed to make me wonder and obsess, and it worked. I woke up constantly during the night, walking out in the hall and checking to see if he'd come home. Then of course wondering where he was, who he's with. I don't want to make the mistake of showing him how effective his ruse is.
I got the apartment. I'm on my way over to give them a check and sign a rental agreement. Maybe the universe is helping me out by keeping him away. If I could just get out by tomorrow it would be so swell. But I'm just appalled by how much junk I have--and I don't have the luxury of time to sort it out and throw away what I don't need. Plus I'm moving into a much smaller space--downgrading.
Of course you're right that the house doesn't make the relationship. When he was considering it I was asking why he wanted it, and the best I could make out was that it was unusual and it would impress people. I even said to him I would rather have a good relationship in a not so good house than a house that "impresses" and a not so good relationship. The words just blew right past him. He's not picking anything for the benefit of the relationship even though he would tell you otherwise. My counselor says it's as if my life has to depend on his moods, his decisions, his weaknesses. He's just decided to move his office to his home (his office will be a separate space in back) so that the temptation of drugs won't be an issue as it is now (available right near his office).
So once again it looks like I'm leaving right when he'll be home more, which is what I've always wanted more of, and not using drugs. At least he seems to making a show of an effort in that direction, going to NA meetings and such. I need to hear how that's an illusion, things between us still wouldn't be better. But I still wonder--well what if he *was* home more...maybe everything would finally work out. It seems like I'm really being tested here somehow. But I just have to remember him on the phone with that guy, discussing whether I was just not an asset, or a true detriment "to his work"--as if I were a stock investment, or something. I would probably exist there once again entirely in relationship to his work--having to be ready to entertain people for dinner when he had them over to impress.
Anyway, I'm so exhausted. Thank you for reminding me that these things do happen in clusters; honestly the strength to do this will have to come from somewhere up above, 'cause I sure don't got it.
I really hope Dr.Bob doesn't PBC you about anything, maybe it would help if he knew you were helping me save my life by saying those things. I need to keep hearing them over and over and saying them to myself.
Thanks so much, (((wendy)))
poster:kara lynne
thread:234326
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030617/msgs/234822.html