Posted by kara lynne on March 3, 2003, at 21:54:58
In reply to Re: Help! / Ginjoint » kara lynne, posted by Ginjoint on March 3, 2003, at 20:02:46
Hi Ginjoint,
Thank you so much for writing. God, it doesn't sound trite at all to me that it was hard for you to watch your therapist during her pregnancy. I can barely look at a pregnant woman these days-- and it seems like there are more than ever. I can't tell you how many women I went to school with who got married and pregnant while I stood by and watched. And every time I turn on the television it's another pregnant woman, or baby commercial, or story of a celebrity with zillions of dollars doing in-vitro fertilization. It just consumes me. Ok, here goes, and it does feel traumatic to say: I will be 43 years old very soon. I have always always wanted a child of my own, not to say that there's anything wrong with adopting and I think it's wonderful that you are thinking about that. Like I said, it feels like there is nothing else that could ever fill that longing. I know that women do get pregnant much later in life these days, but I would have to make a quantum leap in order to even consider it. I'd have to meet a man, (I 'd much rather a husband and father be in the picture), and be physically and financially prepared. I don't know if it's even physically possible for me anymore. It might take lots of help and then who knows-- and there's no-one in the picture to try with. Then again, I know of a 46 year old woman who met a man not long after her husband died (she had endured a long-suffering relationship with her husband) and got pregnant without any help, without even trying, and now has a beautiful, healthy baby girl.Right now I don't even have the energy to sit up in bed; I'm at a pretty bad biochemical low, and trying to find some med that will provide at least a little relief. I've been trying since Thursday to get ahold of my doctor and he's not calling me back. Today the receptionist said the air conditioning was broke in the office and the doctor was just trying to get through seeing his patients without being grumpy. I got off the phone and thought, Gee, that's nice. We wouldn't want the doctor to be grumpy now, would we? It's only my d**m life we're talking about, after all. On top of that a woman who I am very close to has just stopped talking to me-- we go through these periods. I'm not supposed to say anything, or notice, she prefers that we stay in denial about everything. If we should talk again, there will be no mention of it, and she will get mad at me if I mention it. She's known me since the day I was born (friend of my parents) and we have been very close throughout my life. We used to talk everyday, sometimes two or three times a day, and now nothing. I called her a couple of weeks ago upset about my relationship and I think she just had enough of it; she was almost angry at me. I guess she *was* angry. She just thinks I should make things work out with him somehow.
Anyway, I'm relieved that you understand this struggle. I know on a deep level what you mean when you say you're under a ton of pressure from yourself, that the pressure grinds into you all day, every day. That's me exactly. And you still have time!! Much more than me, and you still have a good chance of having a family of your own. On one hand it's nice to have your therapist model a good relationship and a loving family; on the other hand it is painful to watch when you don't have it yourself--yet. I feel like having a child would transform me; it just feels like a heartsick void to die without having that experience. I hesitate to say this because I don't want to get a backlash of people saying I want a child for the wrong reasons. Maybe I do. But all I know is I want one, silently, more than anything else in the world--and a loving husband and father to go along with it. I also know good things don't generally come to people in the state of mind I'm in, that I have to try to take care of myself and put one foot in front of the other and get a life. Right now it just seems like I will spend the rest of my life in regret, self-loathing and loss. I can't take another morning waking up in this hopelessness. But I suspect I will. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me Ginjoint, it really helps to know you understand.
poster:kara lynne
thread:205113
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030301/msgs/205674.html