Posted by kara lynne on March 3, 2003, at 14:29:36
In reply to Re: Help! , posted by Ginjoint on March 3, 2003, at 9:00:18
Hi Ginjoint,
I apologize for the long post, I didn't know I was going to write so much--I know it can be daunting to read and you don't have to! But thank you so much for your message, anyway. I can't tell you how much these posts mean to me in these times. It's funny, (or not really) but the depression *has* always made me feel like it's too late, like I'm too old, until now when I can really say it and mean it --about some things. But really it's that same pit of utter despair and emptiness that I've been waking up with for decades; it doesn't age. It's the same horrible feeling that I am detached from the rest of the world and just can't see the sun shining the way other people do. The same feeling that has made me isolate my entire life, even when I had "my whole life ahead of me"; that made me hide, and never answer phone calls, and never go anywhere I was invited, until eventually, I stopped being invited.I really hate to say this, it makes me sound like the kind of woman that I always thought was most desperate, but now I am too old (I'm pretty sure) to have my own child. I have two other siblings, and none of us ever had children and I feel like my parents must be ruined by this. More than that though, I just think I'm going to wake up for the rest of my life every morning by this emptiness that can never be filled by anything else. My brother did me the favor recently of telliing me that my old boyfriend and his wife are expecting their second child (a baby girl) any day now. He told me over a month ago and it plummeted me into something I have not been able to get out of. This man and I were going to get married and have two kids; he did it perfectly, even in the perfect order (boy first, girl second)--even though we were horrible together and it probably never would have worked.
I don't feel strong physically, I'm on medication and it would be damn hard for me to have a baby right now--if it still was possible. But I just can't let go of it. I got too old and tired too fast; I always thought I would be married with a family by now. On the one hand I try to give myself a break because I've had to deal with this debilitating depression most of my life. On the other hand, this debilitating depression has robbed me of a lot of life-- and given me a timeline much different than one I would have written for myself. So here I am today, with a guy who has many problems and no desire ever to have a child (and probably shouldn't anyway, and maybe I have no business thinking about having one either!), and I'm trying like hell to figure out what the next thing is I should do to save my life. Thank you for realizing the stress of moving; I'm trying to do what's realistic for me and what doesn't throw me into some sort of collapse. I guess at some point it will require a leap of faith. I do have a small support group, but as you might know, when you want to isolate you can do it anywhere. I'm sorry to be so long winded. Just trying to explain a little, for now anyway. Thank you again for your post.
poster:kara lynne
thread:205113
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030301/msgs/205547.html