Posted by Ritch on December 11, 2002, at 12:35:16
In reply to NO HOPE, posted by Anna Laura on December 11, 2002, at 2:46:51
> My new-pdoc is not returning my calls. The clinical psychopharmacologist who diagnosed bipolar II is always out at congresses. She was supposed to come back yesterday: i've been waiting an entire week to talk to her; i called the University Clinic yesterday and they told me she wasn't there yet.
> Don't know where to turn. Anhedonia and apathy are worse then ever.
> Bad news: SPECT scans showed basal ganglia hypoperfusion, which is consistent with my symptoms. i was surfing the net this morning and found an article about apathy syndrome, a distinct syndrome from depression where caudate, putamen and thalamus structures are involved (just like my case: those structures are "clouded" in my SPECT scan); this syndrome, which is similar to PD (Parkinson Desease) depression, showed up to be resistant to counseling and antidepressants therapy (my case as well). I recalled a phrase the psychopharmacologist said about PD's depression (she also believes my depression to be similar to PD's depression even though i don't have PD, thanks god). Somatosensory innervations start from there (that's why can't feel my body as a whole, nor pleasure or pain, it's like i were anesthetized).
> I know i shouldn't have read it, didn't want to indulge in my suffering, quite the opposite, i was just trying to find some hope; i'm aware i seem to selectively pick the "worst cases" when i feel gloomy and the worst scenarios are depicting in my mind as a consequence.I leraned the "lesson": i won't be surfing on the net anymore, not in this period, 'cause makes me feel too bad.
> I'd be happy if only i could return to my early depression period; i was depressed, felt desperate, but i could accept to live like that, 'cause i still had a few nice moments spared by illness.
> I remember i used to light scented candles, put them on the floor, laying on the bed and listen to music, smelling the perfume, or having a cup of hot chocolate milk and a nice Camel cigarette and watching the starry night poking my head outside my window. I was suffering but i felt alive somehow. And i was pleased if friends would call or come visit. Perhaps i'm asking too much and those moments are gone forever, i don't know.
> Tegretol and Mirapex augmenting failed. Mirapex made more depressed, and now i'm more miserable then a few weeks ago, when i started the new medication therapy.
> Sorry for venting. I feel pathetic.
>
>
> P.S.
>
> Don't worry: i don't feel suicidal.
Anna, I don't want to sound too simplistic, but dexedrine is often used in Parkinson's patients. Perhaps a stimulant trial? It has helped me before. Mirapex sucked. It made me real nauseated and tired all the time.
poster:Ritch
thread:33204
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021206/msgs/33218.html