Posted by Angel Girl on May 8, 2002, at 11:12:11
In reply to Re: I HATE MY LIFE!!! - Zo » Angel Girl, posted by Zo on May 8, 2002, at 1:04:36
Zo
I'm not currently in a position of getting any med changes. I don't have a pdoc at this point. I get my meds from my GP. He refuses to make any more changes. He wants a pdoc to make further changes. I'm assuming that is his way of telling me that I'm beyond his scope of knowledge. :(
I am in therapy and I'm in the process of trying to get into a specialist program at the Institute for Mental Health and Addiction for Borderline Personality Disorder. The wait list is 2 to 3 months long. It involves being assigned to a pdoc, a nurse, a therapist and several group therapies. I KNOW that this is the right program for me and where I can get the most help. The Institute is waiting on my GP, therapist and former pdoc (never going back to that jackass) to forward my records to them. It's a slow process. In the meantime, I continue to cycle between having days I feel pretty good and then crashing. A couple of the most common symptoms of BPD is 'fear of abandonment' and 'acting out in anger'. It was my last bout of anger that brought about this crash. My so-called friends are unable and unwilling to deal with my 'attitude' and said goodbye until I get better. WTF is that???? Do they think I will want them back then???? If they can't be my friend now, then are they really friends to begin with???? But the REAL sad part is I already want them back. I must love punishment.
The problem is that I want them in my life. My fear of abandonment is ruling my feelings right now. Another symptom is to desperately hold onto the people that are abandoning me. That's where I find myself. I'm losing my friends because of this f'ing illness that I don't want and all I'm asking for is some patience from the people who CLAIM to be my friends. I know I'm not easy by any stretch of the imagination to be around. I don't underestimate what I put them through. But even though I'm sick, I'm ALWAYS there for them, without fail. Why can't they do the same???
Last weekend, one of my 'friends' was extremely stressed about something. I gave up my entire weekend plans and devoted it to her. I was there for her, I comforted her, I listened to her, I cried with her and I helped her take action to resolve her problem by doing something on her behalf that she asked me to do. AND I didn't mind doing any of that for her because I consider her my friend. BUT the very next day I'm not dealing with something well, let out a lot of anger and unfortunately some towards my friends, and off the go running faster than rabbits and leave me in the dust, telling me they are sick of my attitude.
I don't understand this kind of friendship. I thought friends loved and cared for each other and would always be there when they needed the other. Seems it only works one way for me and it's NOT in my favor.
My head is telling me I don't need friends like that and to forget them and move on. BUT my heart is still loving them deeply and wanting them in my life. I miss them terribly. I don't know how to let go and I'm not at the point of even wanting to let go. I'm not sure I ever will be either. My fear of abandonment is extremely strong. It rules my entire being. I don't know how to be any other way. Everybody in my life abandons me. It's just a matter of time before the ones that are still with me will be gone also.
I'm just so tired of always crashing. It hardly seems worth it anymore. I don't think I want to even try anymore. I don't have the energy.
I have ALOT of anger and the greatest majority of it is directed at MYSELF!!!! Why??? Because I'm sick and I don't want to be. I know nobody wants to be sick. But I can't take this crap in my life anymore. I HATE MYSELF, I HATE WHAT I'VE BECOME, AND I HATE WHAT I DO TO EVERYBODY!!!
I HATE MY ENTIRE F'ING EXISTENCE!!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!
And although I know people mean well by telling me about Jesus and God and I do believe in that BUT WHERE THE HELL IS HE?????? HE SURE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE THAT I'M GOING THROUGH ANY OF THIS. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING SOOOOOO HORRIBLE TO BE PUNISHED LIKE THIS. HE NEVER ANSWERS MY PRAYERS. HE LEAVES ME TO SUFFER. SO MY FAITH IS DIMINISHING.
ALL THAT I AM IS A BROKEN HEART IN AN EMPTY SHELL. :( :( :(
Angel Girl
poster:Angel Girl
thread:23219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020430/msgs/23309.html