Posted by gwen on January 23, 2001, at 20:18:17
In reply to Thanks for all the support, but I lost, posted by Ant-Rock on January 22, 2001, at 19:13:10
Anthony,
When my husband told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, one of the things he said was that he thought I would have depression forever and that I would never get out of it. He also said that my attitude toward myself made him love me less.
He would get extremely angry with me whenever I tried to reason with him. When we finally got in to see a marriage counselor he said he was not willing to work on the relationship, so the counselor said there was nothing she could do and referred us to a mediator.
What neither she nor I nor my psychiatrist (who consulted with the counselor) could figure out was my husband's rage toward me, my mother, my father, you name it -- everything and anything having to do with me. It was as though he was a completely different person that I didn't know. I thought he was going through some midlife crisis.
While he swore before he left that there was no one else and he just wanted out of the marriage, it turns out that he'd become at least emotionally involved with a woman from work. He told me as much before he moved out, but I didn't see it then. My doctor now has shown me that sometimes when people feel guilty they get angry. All of that rage directed toward me was his guilt coming out over all of this. It has given me new perspective on a lot of things and I have witnessed this in other interpersonal relationships -- at work with people I supervise, with friends, the friends of friends, and so on. A valuable lesson for me. It's true that we had grown apart, and I can see why he became interested in this other person, but the reasons he gave (and blamed me for) for wanting to leave were not real.
I am not at all suggesting that your wife is involved with someone else, but I do want to suggest that your depression may not be the real or the only reason for this, and that her anger and coldness may well be the guilt she feels from ending the relationship. Please don't blame yourself and your depression (not that you should anyway because your depression is not some self-indulgence you have chosen).
None of this helps your pain right now, I suspect. The rawness of it. I hurt for some time and then got angry (he married the woman a few days after the divorce was final a year ago). I am just now getting past the anger.
It gets better, though. It really does. I didn't realize until he left how much of myself I lost to the relationship and I am just now finding it again. There is a very good book out called Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford that explains how divorces happen -- the collision courses that are set up at the beginning of relationships that one doesn't see until it's over. This book also helped me understand that this wasn't all my fault. I highly recommend it.
In the end, all I can say is that I know very much how you feel and can empathize. Please try not to beat up on yourself. Do try not to make any big decisions right now if you don't have to. You need space and time to think. It will take some time before this haze lifts, but it will and clarity will come.
Gwen
poster:gwen
thread:3972
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/4147.html