Posted by RealMe on September 24, 2007, at 0:26:24
I have been feeling fairly good lately even though I have only seen my T once per week for the past two weeks. Back to normal schedule this week. Anyway, I had been thinking how I am really doing pretty good all things considered.
I went to a niece's baby-shower Sunday afternoon, and I totally lost it as I could not remember how to drive there. Before I left, my husband pulled out a map for me, and he was trying to show me how to go somewhere I have been a million times but not since I had ECT. I got a route figured out, but it was clear to me as I was driving there (it is around one hour and 15 minutes from where I live) that I lost my sense of direction and could not remember where the hell I was. I was so upset. The visual spatial is just so messed up. I would like to use the F word actually. So the ECT on the right side is still causing me disorientation and other right brain problems. plus it was evident today that I still have short-term memory problems. I tend to joke about things at work and make fun of myself so that people will not be aware of my difficulty. But it is there.
I am so worried now as I am presenting at a conference in mid October, and what is I can't remember something. I could do a power point, but since I am part of a group presenting, I think none of us will be doing power point. This is the first conference I have presented at since I had ECT.
Oh crap and double crap. I thought I was doing better, and now I am in just a horrible funk, feeling really down and discouraged. It has been almost six months since I did the damn ECT, and I am still having problems that may never resolve. This makes me cry (by myself) and wish that I could just die and be done with it all. I hate it when I start feeling this way because it seems like I am feeling sorry for myself which I am, and damn it I think I might have a right to feel that way now after what the 2nd ECT doc did to me with the last treatment--higher shock level and allowed the seizure to go three times as long as the other ECT doc. I am better than I was then, but I am not okay, and it is very upsetting when I have this verified.
If anyone thinks ECT does not do harm, think again. Besides more recent long term memory being spotty, unfortunately I remember all too well the abuse crap from childhood. If I was going to have to forget something, I wish it could have been that. Enough, I need to go to bed. I did not get all my work done from last week, and now I will really have a pile on. Oh crap.
RealMe
poster:RealMe
thread:784784
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070916/msgs/784784.html