Posted by wishingstar on May 3, 2006, at 21:15:32
Second post in a row.. I tried to combine them, but it's just really a seperate issue. It didnt flow. Sorry.
I think I want to quit therapy. I think the reason its not "working" isnt my therapist.. its me. I'm not sure my issues are something that any therapist can help me with right now.. I'm just too messed up right now.
Basically, I complain all the time that I dont do the things that I want to do (mostly, have any kind of social life). It's not because the opportunities arent there.. I just dont take them. I see them, consider them, and let them pass.. then I'm mean to myself for doing it. Then if I try to tell myself to be nicer to myself, I'm mean to myself for excusing my behavior. No matter what happens, I'm negative about it. But the catch is, it's all under my control. I COULD choose to change it, but I dont. I truly feel like I just CANT.. but obviously its within my control and I can. I can choose to go out to dinner when invited. I just dont. I've talked about it a million times in therapy, but gotten no where really.. because I'm not sure there is anywhere to go, if that makes sense. It's just me being stupid. And I think my T is starting to feel frustrated and lost with it too.. maybe thats why all this inner child stuff is coming up (see my last post).
What if the only reason I do all this is for attention? I dont know. Maybe it is?
Regardless, I feel like I'm wasting my time in therapy. I'm looking for something (I dont know what) but it's not coming, and it's time to be an adult and make better decisions for myself. Stop whining. I really dont know if there's anything that being in therapy can do for me right now.
What I REALLY wish is that she'd stop trying to figure everything out and interpret everything and just be with me. Just let me hurt and care that I'm hurting, without having to connect it to what happened when I was a kid (not all that much) or anything else. Just for awhile anyway. My counseling training tells me that a bit of that would lead me to be ready to make more changes.. but I'm not sure. Here's where the attention piece comes in. Is attention really all I'm after? What makes me think I'm so special that I deserve that? I dont.
I even tell her all the games I know I play and what I know will work with me (for example, I told her that if she uses words more intense than the ones I use - like angry rather than annoyed - that pushes me into the emotional realm real fast, which is my goal). But it's like she doesnt hear any of it. I feel like I'm lacking some continuity in many ways with her. But the thing is, continuity and directing what we talk about is MY responsibility. So maybe I just need to stop waiting for her to help me.
$180 is a lot of money to pay for 4 hours of attention a month.
The more I think about this, the worse I feel, because I know I'm putting myself in this hole, and there's no one to blame but me.
poster:wishingstar
thread:639769
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/639769.html