Posted by fallsfall on June 10, 2005, at 12:06:37
Continued from: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050603/msgs/509574.html
He didn't tell me I couldn't put my name back in the pool. But he obviously doesn't want me to do it.
He won't change his note/write a new one. Thinks that would lessen his credibility.
He can't guarantee that if I did the trial that we could fit therapy in. He already gave away the Monday 5PM slot I told him that I no longer needed, and has filled the Thursday 8AM slot that is sometimes available for next week. He can't tell about the other weeks. To be fair, he really is responsive about scheduling - he did swap my Thursday 10AM for Thursday 8:15AM this week in case our deliberations spilled over into Thursday.
He thinks that short term decisions should not be changed capriciously.
All of these things are reasonable.
He does think that I could probably handle the trial (*with* therapy support). He is pleased that I want to shake off my "disabled" label.
He thinks that since the victim was a 17 year old girl, and I have a 17 year old daughter, that the defense would probably not allow me to be picked for the jury.
He is reasonable, he is right. So why am I so disappointed? I think I would be angry if I didn't think he was being reasonable.
I *WANT* to be "normal" (i.e. not disabled). I want to take advantage of opportunities to try being normal before I get scared again. I also want him to go out of his way so I can get better. I want him to offer to see me at 7AM or 7:30, or in the evening. I understand why he doesn't (and I think that he is probably right to NOT do that), but I *want* him to. I want him to prove that he is invested in my getting better. Maybe I want him to prove to me that if I get better I won't lose therapy (because he'll bend his boundaries to make sure that I don't lose therapy). I don't want to have to choose between life and therapy.
I don't want to be the one who says that I can't be on that jury. I don't want to chicken out. But, as it stands right now, he wrote the original note because I asked him to. The accomodations were my idea. So I am the one who says I can't be on that jury. Or I could say that since he isn't encouraging me, that he is saying I can't be on it - but that is even worse. Why would my therapist say that I can't do a "normal" "healthy" thing (I know that the issue is timing - but when he wrote the note I hadn't been to the library conference, nor my daughter's graduation, nor Chicago. I didn't *know* how I would feel now.)
Plus he doesn't want me obsessing and flip flopping on short term decisions. That makes sense, except that has NEVER been my problem. My problem is that I make a decision and no matter what happens I don't change it - even when I should. So here I'm trying to change a decision - because I have new information that says that it might not be the best decision - I'm trying to *be* more flexible - and he tells me to stick to my decision.
I know that it was too late to change this decision. But I'm really disappointed that it is too late.
poster:fallsfall
thread:510561
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/510561.html