Posted by LittleGirlLost on April 26, 2005, at 13:39:27
Hello...
I've been wanting to bring up a few things here and cooincidentally I saw the topics brought up recently. I'd appreciate any feedback.
About touch:
My current T is (I would say) psychodynamic and there is no physical contact whatsoever. Normally I am a person who does not like to be touched, but occasionally I will leave a session and wish I could have given her a hug. I know I can ask, and I also know that she has a right to refuse. The problem is that I just feel so dirty and untouchable that why would I even want to put her in that position of being asked. And if she says no (which I totally understand is her right), I would take it personally and feel completely rejected, not to mention stupid for even asking such a thing.My last T gave me a hug after every session. She was the one who brought it up by asking me if I wanted a hug as I was leaving one day. I got a hug after every session after that, and she always asked first, so I had the chance to say no too.
Sometimes I wish I can bring this up to my T, but I really don't know how. And it's weird because even when she walks me to the door, I stand a few feet away from her because I actually like my personal space, so then like now the thought of her hugging me freaks me out, yet there are times when I really do want it... at least I "think" I do.
About Love:
I was brought up in a house where love was never spoken. "I love you" was not said by or to anyone in my house or extended family; it was just unheard of!My last T told me she loved me. Actually came right out with, "I love you". I totally did not know how to respond; I froze. I didn't respond at all. One time she even asked if I heard her and I said yes. I just didn't know what to say. She didn't say it often, in fact, I think only twice in all the years I saw her. But I never said it back, and we never talked about it.
In my personal life, I never really told anyone I loved them. Yeah, maybe an occasional boyfriend (if I had to), but that's it.
I'm at a place now with T where I DO love her and want to tell her. Not just to say it, but because I actually feel it! It feels like it would be a breakthrough for me to actually be able to say it? Would it? Does that make sense? Yet I'd feel like a weirdo, and I'm not even sure how to say it... like I don't want to plan it out, I'd rather just catch myself off guard and allow it to spill out. (But I keep myself in such tight control to prevent these things from happening to begin with!)
Is it a breakthough that I even want to say it? The way I was brought up, not talking about feelings or anything personal, it's easier for me to say "F-You" to someone than to tell them I love them. (Not that I'm that type of person to say that to someone, but it feels easier, or more natural, if that makes sense).
Ugh! I need help with this stuff, please?
~LGL
poster:LittleGirlLost
thread:489866
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/489866.html