Posted by PM80 on April 22, 2005, at 16:57:07
In reply to Re: Stressed so much » PM80, posted by pinkeye on April 22, 2005, at 13:52:27
If this how you truly feel, maybe you should divorce him. It sounds really harsh, and maybe even impossible, but how do you really want to spend the rest of your life? Besides the obvious location and in-law problem, your husband seems wholly unsympathetic to any of your basic human emotional needs. Is not feeling all alone for a time worth living the rest of your life with someone who will only see you as a doormat? Of course there are some good times with him, or you would not have married him, but it sounds like you are truly not happy in this relationship. It will not get better as time goes on; it will get worse. You don't have kids yet, so that is not chaining you to him. Relationships like this SUCK to the person who is the giver; I know because I was in one at one time. You always feel like if you just give a little more, try a little harder, are a little more "fair" in the relationship that he will love you and treat you like you believe he is capable of. That the flaw must lie as much with you as with him (maybe because you believe relationships are a two-way street). But that is not always true. Some people are just selfish. Some are narcistic. Some are selfishly manipulative, and nothing is ever their fault in their minds. It is always the other person. You cannot win in some situations.
Perhaps you should discuss with your therapist your feelings about this. If you do not have a T, I would definitely recommend seeing one, even if only for a few sessions. What is it you are looking for in this relationship? What needs are being met that you stay when you are so unhappy? What is right for YOU? Ignore him for a moment and think about what you want for your life. Who do you want to be? When/if you do have kids, what lifestyle do want them to have? Do you want their mother to always feel like less of a person than their dad and to never be happy - at best simply feel resigned to her life? When you are on your deathbed, what kind of life will have been without regrets?
Your life is about to change drastically either way. If you stay with him, you give up a life here that you like and you move back to where you escaped from (at least it sounds like you felt like it was an escape). You move in with in-laws that will dominate your life on a daily basis. But you are definitely not drifting about without direction; you are somewhat anchored in place, good or bad or terrible. If you leave him, you lose the only foundation you feel you have, but you get to keep the life you worked for, the life you wanted/want. You sound like a survivor to me. If you choose not to stay with him, you WILL be alright. Life will go on. And, my guess, is that you will learn how wonderful and resilient you really are.
Sorry this is so long, but I really feel for women (and men too, but I'm a woman so I relate better to women) who are in this kind of relationship. The woman is so aware that she is unhappy, that her emotional needs are not being met. She may feel like a horrible nag and feels justified, disgusted, and frustrated by the nagging. She feels that she shouldn't end the relationship because she is aware of the fact that relationships need work. She will lay out exactly what she needs from the man, he promises to deliver, then blames her when he does not follow through. She then feels bad and trys to do even better, but the cycle never changes and never ends. She nags or is too quiet or something else to try to assert some kind of control over her life and her emotions; to maintain some self-esteem, some self-respect. Occassional good times are held so precious by woman, she never wants a good time with him to end for fear of how long it may be until the next good time. I hate it; it is so frustrating to be that woman. We never have to be, but when you there it seems like the only world that exists.
So, my heart does go out to you pinkeye. I am so sorry that you are where you are right now. Words don't really express the anguish you must be feeling. If my post is too aggressive, I am sorry and not sorry. I want you to be happy. I want anyone who is unhappy, yet good at heart, to be happy in their life. You definitely have good in your heart, and you sound so brave. I don't think I would have the guts to leave my country and live and work elsewhere. There are so many shades of grey in the world, and I am not one to ever want to judge anyone. I know for a fact that good things can and do happen to people.
poster:PM80
thread:487613
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/488029.html