Posted by 10derheart on December 29, 2004, at 23:58:43
In reply to Tears Seem Endless, posted by 10derheart on December 28, 2004, at 20:27:28
Thanks, all, you guys are always so totally understanding of all of this stuff. Your posts make me feel stronger.
I feel much better today, but I fear it's the calm before a major storm. I just don't know. I saw T2 this morning, and though part of me hates to even admit it, the session was...well,..great. I mean, for him being T2, not T1. I do feel like I'm betraying T1 in a way, but the feeling is weakening. We talked the whole time about T1 (my idea) because I am going to try to close down the constant emailing. To take the initiative before T1 feels he must bring it up directly. So far he hasn't, and heaven knows I can't bring myself to ask him why. T2 really showed he respected both of us and our prior therapy relationship. He made me cry several times describing the depth of intimacy than can exist, because he recognized it from my words and boy did he have it dead-on. He thinks T1 has maintained boundries well and supported me under tough circumstances. Can't find a dam@ bit wrong with anything T2 did or said today. I'm starting to like him. yikes.
I know I have to do this, as counter-intuitive as it seems to reduce contact with someone who means everything to me. So I sent T1 a email today, explaining what T2 and I talked about and telling him I want to sort of work on a long last? final? concluding? (told him none of these words are right)email to him over the weekend. He'll probably answer tomorrow. He'll probably inadvertently say something sweet and easy-going and make it seem like I don't really have to force myself to drastically cut the emails off too fast...blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes I think there's a touch of counter-transference going on as he shows some signs of hanging on, too. Because he does genuinely like me? Maybe. We fit well together philisophically, spiritually and intellectually. Maybe I'm a welcome break in his busy days or something. In his new job, he has been forced into a lot of straight meds management (20 min sessions) and I'm unclear how much meaningful therapy he's able to do. That's sad and may be frustrating him. Something I'd love to ask about, maybe after some time passes and I see if limited future contact (I'm going to ask for that and T2 says he can't imagine in a million years T1 will object)is workable, too painful or what.
If I sound incredibly flat, dispassionate or rational about this, I am. Feels like a huge defense, but maybe a necessary one. I don't dare try to figure out much more than hour by hour right now. This is uncharted territory and I don't even have a map. T2 surely is offering to be a new guide. We'll see. I'm just exhausted.
poster:10derheart
thread:435219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/435582.html