Posted by antigua on January 18, 2004, at 10:39:07
In reply to Re: Just Checking on you » DaisyM, posted by fallsfall on January 18, 2004, at 9:53:15
If it's any comfort, I've been in therapy even longer than you!! Thank you, you put into words something that often happens to me, especially when dealing w/difficult issues in therapy. This past year I have been working very hard to resolve issues with my father (now dead) and the abuse he inflicted on me as a very young girl. I really made a conscious effort that I was going to "finally get over this." But I felt I would never get over it if I couldn't remember what happened. So, I became willing to talk about anything my T suggested if it would help. The problem is that my T never pushes, she always lets me lead because she believes I have to be ready for it before I can deal w/it.
I totally opened myself up and made myself so very, very vulnerable because I was convinced I had to do this in order to get "over it."
In making myself so vulnerable I left myself totally unprotected. I got involved w/another therapist, a CBT guy, (I've posted about this horrible experience before)and made the same decision to open up and trust (what a mistake!).
I tried for months to at least access what I thought I needed to know in order to move forward (this was before I tried EMDR). I was trying so hard, and my CBT T kept telling me I was in too much denial. We battled back and forth because I believed in myself, as did my regular T.
I finally got to a breaking point. I kept telling my therapists that it was coming but they didn't understand what I meant at all. I told them I either had to resolve this now or I was going to have to bury it again, or die. My CBT guy looked at me like I was crazy; he didn't understand why I only had three choices: to resolve the issue, to bury it, or to die. To die was to be the final act of being so overwhelmed that I couldn't live w/it anymore.
It all sounded perfectly reasonable to me. Those were my only options, my only acceptable coping mechanisms. While this may seem to many to be absolute thinking, it was true for me and I know it was right. These are my defenses that I had to learn to survive.
So, since I didn't want to die, I had to bury it. I had hoped that this time I would resolve it, but it isn't to be.
I haven't given up, of course, and I'm sure another outside crisis will hit that will bring me back to the same place. But, I will have to be ready.
Sorry for being so long. What I'm trying to say is no matter what your T says about being stubborn and then falling apart, these have been your coping mechanism. You aren't failing therapy, you are working to protect yourself until you're really ready (said from someone who keeps thinking she's ready but never is) to deal w/your issues. Don't feel bad, you can only take the risks that you and your mind are ready for.
Good luck, and believe in yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else.
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:302126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/302287.html