Posted by fallsfall on January 18, 2004, at 9:53:15
In reply to Re: Just Checking on you » fallsfall, posted by DaisyM on January 18, 2004, at 1:08:08
I was feeling like I was failing therapy (9 years and I still don't know what to do). It seemed like everytime I tried to do something to help therapy, he didn't like it (some of this is that he didn't like it, some of it is that I thinks he doesn't like things when he doesn't have a problem with them). When I think about failing therapy, then I have no hope. Therapy is the only thing that will pull me out of this depression.
He bypassed whether I was failing therapy and started talking about patterns that he sees. He thinks I am stubborn (Gee, I've known this since I was 5). As the session was ending he was questioning why I go from being "normal" to "stubborn" (I call it controlling) to "falling apart". He didn't see what the connection was between the stubbornness and falling apart.
I think that I feel more hope now because I understand this pattern very clearly. When I think that things are getting out of control I try harder to control them (i.e. stubborn). Sometimes that works and I can get things stabilized and then go on with life. But if I *can't* control what is happening there comes a time when I give up (Not that I say "I can't do this", but my unconscious (?) says that I have no more energy to try). That is when I fall apart.
So I think I have hope today because he still doesn't understand this pattern. But I can explain it to him. And then he'll understand me better and be able to help me better. Hope has to do with my ability to move in a positive direction. I either need to believe that someone can show me something new that will lead to positive change, or believe that I can explain something new to someone else so that they will have a better chance of helping me.
I have no idea if this post makes any sense to anyone but me. If it doesn't, ask questions and I'll try to be clearer.
Right now, my puppies are home and I am completely exhausted (11AM). But not hopeless.
poster:fallsfall
thread:302126
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040116/msgs/302273.html