Posted by fallsfall on November 17, 2003, at 22:53:56
Daisy,
Thanks for thinking about me.
The last week has been very difficult. Some events touched off some wicked fear of abandonment in me on Thursday. I thought I could handle it until today, but on Saturday I needed to call him. I either needed to see him, or I needed to bury what was going on. He was at a conference all weekend, so he couldn't see me - he was so nice about making sure that I didn't see his inability to see me as abandonment. I do understand that he has a life, and would only expect him to see me on the weekend if he happened to be free. So that was OK. We agreed that I would bury the issue and then try to resurrect it for today's session. It took a lot of conscious effort to keep it buried, but I was able to do that. And I did manage to get it back today.
He didn't give me the answer I was looking for today (I wanted to know what he would do with a patient under particular circumstances). He said there are too many variables to answer the question. But he did eventually say that he wouldn't throw me out, and he wouldn't make me feel like an idiot - I don't even know exactly what he said, but it did make me feel better - at least a little.
I know this is the important work to be doing. And I know that is why it is so hard.
I see him twice a week, and at the end of the session he said that he was really glad that he was seeing me twice rather than once a week, because he thought that this would be much harder if it was just once a week. I agreed. Then he said that he wished he could see me tomorrow, rather than waiting until Thursday. It wasn't really clear to me what was preventing that (my insurance would pay, did he not have an open slot? Did he think I wouldn't want to? Would it exacerbate my dependency?). I am so worn out tonight - not panicking anymore, but I sure could use a little warm and fuzzy (not that he DOES warm and fuzzy).
I'm hoping to feel better after a good night's sleep.
poster:fallsfall
thread:280722
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031114/msgs/280722.html