Posted by Jellibabe on October 31, 2003, at 1:16:58
I am in so much pain. I love my therapist. I see him as a father. He is about the right age to be too. He has smiley eyes. He is kind, but firm. I told him I love him. I asked him to love me. I know it is not allowed. He was kind about it, told me he is concerned for me, but quite firm about the loving bit. I knew it would be like that.
Sometimes I cut myself when I feel I can't cope and I wish I had the courage to slash my face with the blade because then at least if people were horrified by me, I wouldn't fool myself into thinking that possibly they could love me.
The thing is, I can only afford to see him every two weeks and I die in between appointments. I know it sounds dramatic, but it IS awful. I so look forward to seeing him, but dread the saying goodbye, because it causes such pain and the long wait for the next appointment. I do so want to hug him, but that is not allowed. No touching of any sort.
A lot of the time I lie on my bed and manage to "dream" that he did love me, and how we sit together and talk and laugh about all sorts of different things. I dream that he really is my father. I spend a lot of time in my dreams and sometimes it is easy to really believe it. It makes me happy for a while. What I wanted to ask is - does anyone else do this?
poster:Jellibabe
thread:275156
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031030/msgs/275156.html