Posted by bookgurl99 on September 6, 2002, at 23:03:02
So, as many of you know, I've been dealing with strange neurological symptoms for 6 months that have as unyet been diagnosed. (Memory problems, some episodes of slurred speech, visual problems, etc.) So far I've been told that I have 'anxiety,' and that 'anxiety' caused my symptoms, which in the beginning I was inclined to believe because I _wanted_ to believe that this was just anxiety. Recently, some of my symptoms got worse and I feel that doctors missed the boat somehow the first time around. (I had a seizure last week, etc., and will be seeing a specialist in Chicago next month.)
During this time, my therapist has gone from being supportive about the illness (she actually cried when I first called her about it) to (to my perception) feeling that she is supporting me through my 'nervous breakdown.' I also get the feeling that she is getting bored that I don't snap out of this. When I complain about what I'm going through, she says things like that I'll get used to being cognitively slower.
She mentioned having a client who was sick "even worse than you" for 5 years until the client gave up trying to find out what was wrong and miraculously recovered; the message is clearly that I should give up too. And you know, I _have_ done what I should; taken zoloft, exercised, gotten a regular schedule, reduced stress, blah blah blah.
I feel that when I discuss my concerns -- dr's overlooking something because I've been pre-labeled an anxiety case -- that she doesn't want to 'support' me because she doesn't want to reinforce the idea that something is organically (outside of mentally) wrong with me. She downplays the importance of my symptoms, and tends to talk about nonrelated things. But _this_ is what I'm dealing with right now.
Part of her behavior, I know, comes from that I've already had scores of tests and nothing conclusive has been found. But the truth is that, I know that some disorders take years to diagnose. (People call certain doctors 'saviors,' because in certain disorders, only the dr that finally dx'd and treated a problem once it's bad enough for modern medicine to pick up on it gets the credit.) I also think that my therapist, being the soft-hearted type she is, would rather believe that I am having a nervous breakdown than that I have something that truly could not be cured.
When it comes to the delegitimatizing of what I am going through, I am annoyed, and troubled. I never really trusted a therapist before and worked with her for two years before getting sick. I am annoyed that even though she admits to seeing a difference in me, she doesn't really believe what I am going through. (Or rather, she believes that I believe it, if you catch my drift.) I don't feel that another therapist would really understand what I'm going through, because they didn't know me before. But why can't this one get it?
How am I supposed to deal with this? I don't want to stop having sessions with her, because so much is already changing and falling apart in my life due to this mysterious, sudden illness. Plus, I never had a therapist that I trusted before. But I am also not getting what I need out of therapy right now.
Is there a way of getting my therapist to be on the same page right now? Should I just lay it out there and tell her that I need her to support me in this and not belittle what I'm going through? I mean, I think I should not have to spend my time in therapy _not_ being supported, you know?
So frustrated,
bookgurl99
poster:bookgurl99
thread:1031
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20020829/msgs/1031.html