Posted by llrrrpp on August 31, 2006, at 22:24:42
In reply to Re: Self-Esteem suffering from depression recovery » llrrrpp, posted by Racer on August 31, 2006, at 20:45:26
> Whoa! Lurpsie! You're starting to sound like me!
Am I supposed to take that in a bad way? Well, I don't like it when you are so hard on yourself, so . Yeah. I guess.
> How on earth did you learn to be so hard on yourself? And do you notice that you're turning it into a character flaw, rather than a depressive disorder? Kewl, huh? You can make it even worse for yourself -- now it really is your fault! You can beat yourself up even more! Good plan.
Ha- because I was the "healthy" one. It was a defining part of my identity. Mama's little girl, never gave her any problems while older brother went and landed himself in various combinations of hospitals for 2 years as an inpatient. (good news folks- complete remission of all illnesses). I thought brother was a bad person. He certainly treated me like an *ss. And I viewed his tenure in the "insane asylum" [his term] as proof of what a lousy specimen of humanity he was. I guess he turned out okay. Now he's rich, and we get along pretty well, considering my early torture at his hands.
> > will I feel better about me, or will I just become obsessed with my number on the scale/pant size/# of visible ribs? I've been there in the past. Obsession, never disorder. I don't like it much. To think in units of body morphology.
> You know I don't know how to answer this one, right? Even if I could, you'd be crazy to take me seriously... I guess all I can say is be very careful about it becoming a disorder -- and remember that I *still* have a hard time taking in that I wasn't just "pretending" to have an eating disorder. I know that I do, I know that I'm still very distorted -- hell, I gained more than 20 pounds overnight, after those hard sessions yesterday. Even I can tell that's distortion...
yes. I know. In the past my obsessive behavior has been largely peer-driven. My gay workout buddy had me bench pressing 80 lbs in college. that's so hilarious given current state of flabbiness! And my thesis advisor could only be found at the kickboxing class, as she was on sabbatical that year. So, if I wanted to touch base with her, had to go to kickboxing. And then there were the skinny girls at the dining hall, complaining about the calorie content/points/fat grams of the air that they were breathing. Add to that the stress of trying to be sexy when essentially I'm a nerd. It kind of forced my mind into comparison mode. All those bodies, so strong and athletic, and lo and behold, I made my body the same way. But it was an all-consuming project, and didn't leave me much emotional energy to deal with the exhaustion and fatigue.
See, I'm not a perfectionist, but I do enjoy a bit of suffering now and then.
> I guess I would suggest, though, that you maybe think about what it is that you would do for yourself if you loved yourself? Would you paint your toenails? Soak in bubblebath? Pull a shoelace for your cat? Whatever it is, that's what you "should" be doing. (Yeah, I used a bad word, didn't I?)
I guess what I'm going to do tonight is go to bed early. rest my brain and my heart.
> > I'm not sure what to do. The better I feel, the higher my expectations of myself. Ergo- no progress in the self-esteem dept.
>
> That's something I struggle with a lot, I think -- why do I need to be perfect? I guess I'm just not good enough as it is.
> Are you good enough? You tell me I am, so what is it about me that makes me good enough when you aren't? (Or are you just saying that it's OK for me to be as awful as I am, simply because I'm not you? Hm...) What does good enough look like to llrrrpp? Exactly how perfect do you have to be, to satisfy yourself?Racer, it's not myself I'm worried about. It's my husband, and my family. My advisor. My uterus. My fellowship granting institution. There are plans for me that I struggle to internalize and accept. And these plans demand that I finish what I started, and right now I'm on a path that could have me being a professor at an Ivy League University, which I DON'T want to do (that's what would make my professors happy). Obtain a job in the next 12 months in the region of my husband's job (that's what would make husband happy). Survive the next year and emerge with some kind of position that is fun and challenging, in the region of my husband's job (that's what would make ME happy). I'm torn. but I guarantee you, I'm not a perfectionist. If you can believe me, I'm privileged, and I've worked hard, but many times, I have also taken the path of least resistance. (can you believe that entering a PhD program was the path of least resistance? I promise it was so. no joke.)
> Eh, if you're anything at all like me, you don't know. But it's something to think about, isn't it?
you betcha
> For what it's worth, I think you're good enough. In fact, I think you're pretty darn good.
That means a lot to me Racer, but you've never seen the inside of a garment that I've sewn (groan). seriously, we all do what we can with what we've got. I'm just kind of pissed that my marketable asset (my mind) is so unreliable right now. I need an overhaul.
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:681528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/681912.html