Posted by llrrrpp on August 30, 2006, at 17:08:57
I was so apathetic and self-hating for a long time. I also didn't care what happened to me. I didn't care to wear nice outfits and do my nails. Heck, it was an accomplishment for me to take a shower and wash my hair. I didn't take care of myself well, and I had bigger problems.
Now my mood is pretty good. But I'm starting to notice all kinds of flaws. Things that haven't bothered me in a long time, because I was such a lump of moaning misery. I dont' like my body. I don't like my skin. I don't like my habits. I don't like... me? I feel like a waste of carbon. And I don't think that it's depression. I think that I have shifted my mind away from paying attention to inner misery so that now I have resources to pay attention to my outside. Not much liking what I see, either.
The worst thing is that if I work on myself- exercise and eat healthier food- will I feel better about me, or will I just become obsessed with my number on the scale/pant size/# of visible ribs? I've been there in the past. Obsession, never disorder. I don't like it much. To think in units of body morphology. To evaluate people relative to my BMI, automatically. To judge my good days by the amount of exercise and self-improvment and diet I suffered?
I'm not sure what to do. The better I feel, the higher my expectations of myself. Ergo- no progress in the self-esteem dept.
-ll (do I sign this one? I don't even like myself enough to sign my own post)
poster:llrrrpp
thread:681528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/681528.html