Posted by Kath on June 29, 2006, at 18:02:51
In reply to Re: HARD to detach from 22yr old's dumb mistakes...... » Kath, posted by cloudydaze on June 25, 2006, at 20:56:05
Thanks cloudy
I'm actually printing off a copy of this post to put in my purse. It'll be helpful for me to read if I'm feeling 'wobbly'!!
Yup, my son sounds exactly like your brother, except he's been fortunate in that his trouble with the law was minor & he was only 16.
His lifestyle is such that he could be in trouble with the law if he was caught.
Thanks for your concern & understanding & especially for your support of what I'm in the process of trying to do - 'let go'.
Recently I've come up with the visual of he & his girlfriend in a hot-air balloon & I cut the ropes & it soars up into the air.
I say to myself. "I cut the tethers. He soars away in the hot air balloon that is his life. His life is separate from my life."
Thanks cloudy. :-) Kath
> > Actually - it's the results for HIM of his unwise life choices that I find it hard to let go of....if I'm coming from a more intellectual level.
> >
> > From an emotional level -
> >
> > why can't he learn from his mistakes?
> >
> > I first joined PB in 2000 when I had started taking Celexa for anxiety due to my son's behaviour. He was around 16 at that point.
> >
> > Here he is 22 & STILL using drugs; STILL partying; STILL awake all nite & asleep all day; STILL NOT WANTING to WORK;
> >
> > The big difference is that he & his girlfriend have their own place. THAT is a MAJOR thing that's different.
> >
> > (Excuse all the upper-case letters; I just feel really exasperated)
> >
> > For several months he's had no job. His girlfriend works a couple of days a week. 2 weeks ago their gas was turned of because they have a $800. bill they haven't paid. Their April rent cheque hasn't been cashed yet, but they are expecting it'll bounce.
> >
> > I find it SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to detach....to not worry about the "natural consequences" that might happen.
> >
> > Why can't I just let go????? Instead of not thinking about him, it's as if his situation is in the back of my mind all the time. When I asked him how the 'job search' was going & mentioned to him a couple of local places that are hiring he said something like: "I feel like you & Dad are pressuring me to find a job - it's like when I lived at home; I might as well be living at home."
> >
> > I hate the thought of them having the stress of their rent-cheque bouncing. My mind does things like "oh jeez - then they'll be given their notice & will have nowhere to put all their belongings & will lose all their belongings" etc etc.
> >
> > What is wrong with me? I wish I could just DETACH.
> >
> > Has anyone had this type of thing to deal with? I feel so alone. So very alone in this.
> >
> > Any feedback is MOST welcome.
> >
> > Kath
>
>
> Wow...your son sounds exactly like my older brother (he's 24, i'm 23). He was in trouble from an early age. He went to rehab several times, he got in trouble with the law, and has always had trouble holding a job...or wanting to get one in the first place. My brother just wants to have all of the perks of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. He is just now starting to find out that it DOESN'T work that way. And our parents finally figured out that the more they "help" him out by letting him leech off them, and not take any responsibilities, the more they indulge his bad habits.
>
> Your son will never grow if you don't allow him to. In this case, detatchment is an act of love. Not total detatchment - be there for him emotionally, but treat him like an adult, and he will eventually be forced to act like one.
>
> 22 is a young age. Most people that age are not ready to be adults yet. But that doesn't mean he needs to be treated like a baby.
>
> Kids and young adults alike need to learn about consequences. This is how they grow into good people. If they are not allowed to accept the consequences of their actions, how are they ever supposed to grow and learn?
>
> If your son's check bounces, what the worst that could happen? Will the world come to an end? Or will he learn something from the experience? Belongings are material possessions - not nearly as important as your son's future.
>
> As a parent myself, i know all about maternal instict and love for your child, but loving your child means doing the right thing, even if it's hard, and seems cruel at first. Hopefully he will get a good life lesson sooner or later.
>
> Best wishes,
> cloudy
>
>
>
>
poster:Kath
thread:646365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/child/20050817/msgs/662653.html