Posted by alexandra_k on December 4, 2004, at 10:01:21
In reply to Re: blocking ourself » alexandra_k, posted by verne on December 3, 2004, at 21:17:23
> Did you once mention you had borderline personality disorder? Me too. In my case, this leads to a real struggle controlling impulses to buy things I shouldn't, gamble, drink, and other things I can't seem to keep to a reasonable limit.
Yeah, I have been diagnosed with BPD. Drug use, impulsive spending etc etc are a problem for me. I make a decision about how I am going to behave in future, but don't seem to be able to stick to the limits that I set myself. I know I need to learn to do this, but the fact is that at this stage I am not very good at it. As an interim measure I have learned how to get the environment to help me set limits. For example, it is no use my deciding that I won't use anymore if I have drugs in my room and I still keep contact with dealers etc. If I get rid of the drugs and throw away all those phone numbers then I am able to get through that moment of weakness - because I simply cannot get anything. I have learned to make promises to my therapists because if I do this then I mostly keep them, whereas promises to myself are fairly much worthless in a moment of weakness.
>I live in constant shame and regret that I have no "will power".
Yeah, me too.
> The same goes for psycho-babble. I can't control that either. It's not so much a problem with impulse control as following the course of least resistance. Emptiness, lonliness, and boredom lead me here.Yeah, same for me. I also babble as part of avoidance of other stuff though. I used to be a computer game / x-box junkie. That is what I would do when I was avoiding stuff. Now it is babble - which I figure is at least slightly more social :-) But I can find myself compulsively checking and responding because what I have to do seems too much for me somehow. It is funny kind of because if you are blocked then you can still check them. But somehow a block frees me from that as well. And then I just get into my work as I can manage sometimes. Sometimes my work seems overwhelming and I hate it. But if I can just get through that first half-hour then I love it. I really do. I guess it is a love / hate kind of thing... Story of my life perhaps...
> And since I have no brakes, I wish I could block myself. I'm not sure Babble is healthy for me. I really need to be in touch more with my real world. Not that this isn't real. I just need to get in "touch" with my body, others, and my immediate surroundings. After awhile, online socializing or "chat" all sounds the same. I agonize over every misstep, I rehash and digest, I try to save grace with constant revisions, corrections, a good finish or lengthy spin cycle - but I still come away empty.Yeah, I feel like that sometimes too. And the worst thing is that when I am in a good place babbling is fine, but when I am in a bad place, that is when even babble seems to be empty somehow. Of course it is me really. But it is hard.
((((verne))))
Hang in there. It is both conforting to me and horrifying to me that other people feel so similarly to me, and struggle with similar issues to me. Conforting to me, but horrifying for the others who have to live with this stuff as well.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:420772
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20041109/msgs/424290.html