Posted by verne on December 3, 2004, at 21:17:23
In reply to Re: blocking ourself » Dr. Bob, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2004, at 16:21:07
I've intentionally said something in order to be blocked. Lately I've been nibbling around the fringes of civility in an attempt to get blocked.
Did you once mention you had borderline personality disorder? Me too. In my case, this leads to a real struggle controlling impulses to buy things I shouldn't, gamble, drink, and other things I can't seem to keep to a reasonable limit.
I can't count the times I've bought a movie with a scene that really charms me only to throw it away because I can't stop watching it. No matter how many times I put it on still frame, I can't really "have" it.
I've bought, thrown away, and rebought thousands of dollars worth of stuff. Sometimes I'll fish it out of the garbage, only to throw it away later.
I pour out unopened bottles of beer the next day, I cancel subscriptions; I live in constant shame and regret that I have no "will power".
The same goes for psycho-babble. I can't control that either. It's not so much a problem with impulse control as following the course of least resistance. Emptiness, lonliness, and boredom lead me here.
And since I have no brakes, I wish I could block myself. I'm not sure Babble is healthy for me. I really need to be in touch more with my real world.
Not that this isn't real. I just need to get in "touch" with my body, others, and my immediate surroundings. After awhile, online socializing or "chat" all sounds the same. I agonize over every misstep, I rehash and digest, I try to save grace with constant revisions, corrections, a good finish or lengthy spin cycle - but I still come away empty.
My perspective is lousy tonight. Drinking again.
verne
poster:verne
thread:420772
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20041109/msgs/424165.html