Posted by zinya on July 20, 2003, at 12:51:50
In reply to Re: hey Zinya » zinya, posted by NThompson on July 20, 2003, at 10:59:35
Hi Nyia,
Recalling where things were at for you in terms of sense of putting so much on yourself when you first wrote us, I can't tell you how happy for you I am with each news of your seeming to be more sharing your inner struggles with your husband and letting him be there for you. I think for all of us it's easier said than done as we probably all internalize more or less a sense of having to figure things out in some level of isolation and anxiety about sharing with our loved ones what's going on inside our heads or bodies or whatever...
I'm guessing your husband's tremendous trust in you means all the more now that you no longer harbor a sense that we all are capable of, of thinking "Oh, but if he/she only knew......, then would they still trust me?" Which is why hiding what's going on in us is so damaging to our own sense of confidence or optimism to see a way forward, etc...
Well, i know i tend to propose gross generalizations sometimes that may or may not apply but those are my thoughts and you seem to be inspiring example of taking a major and courageous step toward, Nyia...
Which doesn't mean things are suddenly "easy" or 'fixed'... And i wish you well with the process... What drug dosage level at you at now? Are you having either side effects or positive effects that you refer to about "getting them right"?
For me, i've just had a week of a bit of frustration with a sense of plateauing or something. I did injure my back recently and my downturns in energy have for years been linked with this chronic reinjury point in my hip so it could be that that is why. But I'm so almost-desperate to reach a level of energy which i've been hoping Effexor would provide. I don't think I feel a psychological depression anymore exactly but i continue to feel a physiological depression, if that makes sense, that just makes any energy such an unreliable commodity.
It's also now that just a year ago these days were entering the last and roughest days of my mom's cancer, and it's almost impossible not to have daily memories of where things were a year ago, a time when i was on constant red alert and being nurse, doctor, and with a kind of energizer-bunny adrenalin flow that was in the face of impending grief of such huge proportion, and never imagining either just how totally ALL of that energy could utterly evaporate... It kind of ebbed away, not suddenly, so that the grieving turned gradually into this energyless state of being unable to do anything that hasn't been absolutely mandatory. No driving anywhere i don't absolutely have to go to. There was a very dark number of months late last fall and winter that i just felt like it would be okay if it ended, feeling so purposeless and so remote from any sense of recovering the energy to have and find a new purpose, to "put the gear back into drive again"... I never did anything about those feelings but they did haunt me, for a while almost every night and I had to start sleeping with the TV on so when i would wake middle of the night as i was doing my brain would have something else to think about instead of those dark thoughts. That kind of phase has passed and that's what i meant earlier about the psychological depression seeming to have lifted, somewhat even before i started Effexor but i think pretty solidly since being on Effexor. But this physical inertia persists even when i now manage once again to have goals, things i want to accomplish but just can't seem to get sustainable energy except for a few hours a week. And that makes me feel lame a lot of the time.
It is almost embarrassing to say that it's now a pretty big deal that I went to see friends and my godson last evening (and had a great time) and will go out to dinner tonight at a fancy restaurant with other friends (knock on wood that i wont' cop out). This for me -- a woman who has had times in my life of traveling galore, partying galore, and also working like a conscientious nonstop almost workaholic, and now one big NADA for almost a year -- is a source of real frustration, but i try to just be okay with these most minimal of goals.
It's curious that working in my long-neglected garden (which i ignored all winter) enough hours each week to fill a refuse collection bin full is my one and only consistent weekly task. It's a start. But there's so much else i'm still neglecting if it's even remotely "optional" or non-urgent.
Well, i'm babbling, and i think i'm answering your question with more than anybody would want to know :)) so i'll shut up here.
Again, it has been good to hear from you again and i look forward when it suits you to write again...
love and hugs,
zinya> Hey there,
>
> It's good to hear from you to! I am doing alot better. I still have my bad days, but there is more good than bad. As far as my babysitting problem, I talked it over with my husband, as you suggested, and we decided not to mention it to her. My husband trusts me fully with our children, I would never hurt them, and I would never hurt any other children. So, we decided to keep it just to us. I have been really busy though. I guess it's a good way to keep your mind off of being depressed. I am still working with my meds, trying to get those right. But, so far so good.
>
> Well, I am so glad to hear from you. What is happening in your life? Are you doing good? Let me know. I'd love to hear from you again.
>
> Love ya,
> Nyia
poster:zinya
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030718/msgs/243680.html