Posted by leeran on May 13, 2003, at 13:49:11
In reply to Re: leeran and lexapro, posted by blkvettes on May 13, 2003, at 10:19:44
To Blkvettes,
(the easiest way for me to do this is copy and paste your post and respond as I go).
"Hi Lee, are you being treated for depression or a combination of things."
ADD (which I think has been exacerbated by early menopause, the bane of my existence) and depression. The psychiatrist has mentioned that Lexapro might help me with my OCD tendencies - so my guess is that he has that acronym written somewhere in my chart. In general, I am very anxious and have lived my life waiting for the "other shoe to drop." So yes, I suppose there are a variety of issues but I've never asked for my official diagnosis. That might throw me into the real depths of despair (lol - kind of :-)
"Do you also have anxiety issues!!!!!!!!"
Yes . . . it seems to run in the family. As my mother is wont to say: "The nut doesn't fall far from the tree" - even though I've tried to roll as far away as I could get without dropping into the Pacific ocean! I love my mother but have a hard time trusting her (that's fodder for another board).
"I have always had insomnia since a kid and notice you are up late on this board. Do you suffer with insomnia also."
Yes, I suppose I do. But not when I take my Ambien on time! Once I fall asleep (with the Ambien) I'm out like a light (this post is full of cliches - add anal-retentive to the list because I just spent five minutes trying to figure out how to add the accent mark to the word cliche).
Back to insomnia . . .
Ambien seems to be doing the trick for now (I've been taking it for about three weeks). Oh yeah, I'm on the West Coast, so it may seem like I'm up even later than I really am (but last night was definitely later than I intended). I think I also have whatever condition it is that causes someone to overexplain . . . (OCD? Narcissism? Who knows).
"I am a very curious person, sorry for all the questions."
As am I. I've been told that by many people over the years (a friend used to call me Mrs. Columbo). It seems that there are many inquisitive people on these boards who are very cognizant of their mental health and find this board via research on their medication or condition. I'm amazed at how many times www.dr-bob.org comes up during different Google searches!
"Yes, I still post and always will till I die."
That's really nice of you to continue posting here . . . it reminds me of the principles put forth in that movie "Pay It Forward."
"But my life is not perfect right now."
I am sorry to hear that, Blkvettes.
"I am still early in this recovery. I dont know if things get better from here or worse. So I keep reading and learning about myself."
This sounds like the road to recovery/self-discovery and I can't imagine that it could be anything but good for you. I think that once one experiences depression (or any type of mood disorder/mental illness) there's the fear of slipping backwards. I know I feel it quite often, yet I sabotage myself from time to time (mainly by thinking I shouldn't need medication).
Example: this morning I sat in the parking lot at Whole Foods Market and agonized over the thought of all the medications I'm taking.
I consistently struggle between:
(a) thinking I should be able to handle anything on my own
(b) the certainty that there must be some magic combination of prescription drugs that can do the trick
(b) wondering if my qi isn't out of balance and I'm harming myself further with prescription medications
I'm just new age enough to be a pain in the b*tt to myself - but not new age enough to eat right, etc. This nebulous belief system is probably the result of a few rounds of acupuncture treatments and several months with a chiropractor/kinesiologist who thought he could solve every "ill" (including menopause) with three time-consuming visits per week and "waving" things over me (namely, the natural remedies he sold at his practice).
Usually it's a combination of several "cures" that finally gets me back on track - but, undoubtedly, anti-depressants go further than any other in getting me over the hump. However, last Fall the acupuncturist "prescribed" this nasty stuff (tree stumps, deer horns, berries, etc.) that I had to boil and drink the remaining liquid. That stuff really seemed to help with depression, acne, anxiety, hair loss - but it just about drove my son and husband out of the kitchen.
"I have even considered getting something for my insomnia."
I've heard that Ambien is non-addicting, yet I've also heard that it IS addicting. I have never taken a sleeping medication (save for melatonin and Tylenol P.M.) in my entire life. For some reason, I've always equated taking sleeping pills with really hitting rock bottom. Isn't that weird? Must go back to some sixties "Valley of the Dolls" mentality.
"I used to do drugs years ago and went through a rehab center. I have been drug free for almost 20 years."
CONGRATULATIONS!!! What an accomplishment! I'm sure it hasn't always been easy during those twenty years - but the fact that you have made it shows that you have an extraordinary amount of srength and resolve (as well as belief in yourself!).
"Its funny that I have a mental illness and all my drug buddies and gals from years past are fine. Just does not seem fair somehow."
I understand your feelings, but in a slightly different way. My husband is so organized and good at everything he does and my business partner of twenty years is the same way. I spend so much time beating myself up and wondering why I can't attain that same level of drive and organization (of course, fewer posts on this board would help!). I used to have the drive (actually overdrive) but never the organization.
Regarding your buddies from the old days - maybe they have gone through similar situations as well, but haven't told anyone outside their immediate family? You never know.
"I know I have come a long way in the last 3 months."
Amen. That one day spent reading your posts from start to finish was like watching "The Incredible Journey" in fast forward.
"Now I am to the point where I have to make decisions in my life. These decisions are very hard!!!!!"
Blkvettes, I have had to make four enormously difficult decisions in my adult life.
Decisions that have a major impact on the future, and your loved ones, can be gut-wrenching. With the exception of one of those decisions, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I made the right choices (note: I DO know that every blunder got me where I am this very minute - and when I think of it that way, I know I am in a much better place, but I'm one of those people who becomes ensared in guilty feelings about everything going back to first grade).
Regarding the decisions on your horizon: I strongly believe that, in order to make these life-altering decisions, one needs to be mentally/physically ready for all the work that goes into these changes (there were times I wasn't and I've paid the price in cortisol depletion).
From reading your posts I can see that you have gone the distance with your depression. I can also see/read that you are much stronger than you were three months ago. The combination of insight, honesty, and compassion you always exhibit here leads me to believe that you will know when it's the right time to tackle these tough decisions.
"I still have bad days, but I think they are more of a normal kind of bad day. But all of us instantly blame it on our illness or our med. I had bad days before this illness and did not think twice about them."
Yes, I agree. I don't know if I'm recalling your age correctly (43?) but let's face it, the simple act of aging can take its toll (I'm 44 but in denial and I have the receipts to prove it :-).
"Sorry to make this so long but I just woke up and your post was the first thing I read. So I had to get my thoughts out of my head. I also have a bad problem about thinking of everyone on the boards I go to. Like you for instance you talked about an old post of mine. I know you were a little scared. I picture this in my mind and feel I have to try to help any way I can. I try to calm your fears and at the same time ask you to see a doc which you have done in the past. I to have had all the heart tests. I did not like that stress test though, I thought I was heading for a heart attack during that. But they said everything appeared normal. No blockage anywhere!!! So I have trained myself to ignore almost all my pains and spasms. But sometimes if my mind is tired, the symptoms get the best of me."I agree with just about everything you said in this paragraph, Blkvettes (including the fact that my own response is quite long).
Because I work at home (and I don't do much of that these days - all things considered) I have found the internet to be my lifeline to the outside world. One of my closest confidantes is a woman I got to know on another board (different subject matter not related to this site), yet we've never met. Additionally, I met my husband on the internet, so I can relate to feeling a bond and empathy with the disembodied souls whose paths we cross electronically.
"By reading your posts in the past, I have come to think of you as a really cool person."I live in an area that does its best to try to "define" COOL (in the visual sense) so at forty four, I usually feel more like a FOOL around here (hmmmm, did I mention agoraphobia? Or as my husband calls it - angoraphobia?). In any case, I will definitely accept and embrace your kind compliment of "cool" in the virtual cybersense of the word.
"You post what you think and I am sure you know which ones I am reffering to."
Well, I've posted about nearly every facet of my oftimes seedy life between here and the social board (where this might get redirected - despite my discussion of Ambien), so I'm not sure which posts you're referring to (perhaps my continual banner girl plugs for the Magic Wand?). You don't need to answer on this one, I've beat that dead horse to a pulp.
"Well, I am off for a nap!!!!!"
Have a good one - and perhaps ask your doctor about a sleep aid. And thanks for your post (from one "Lexy's Midnight Runner" to another!
Lee
poster:leeran
thread:109458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030505/msgs/226348.html