Posted by jannbeau on December 13, 2002, at 18:43:41
In reply to Re: I hate Christmas - how do you cope? » sly, posted by Sioux on December 13, 2002, at 18:03:21
> Sioux, I am so grateful that you posted this response. I so wanted to respond to Sly on this one, but I didn't know HOW to say the things that you said. I just knew that someone needed to say those things. The suggestions that one "must" go home, that parents and siblings are abusive or nonsupportive, or, at best, living in the 19th century, the feeling I had from Sly's post that she is living a life script that says, simply, "you aren't good enough for us" is so veru distressing, but I am not good with anything except, occasionally, answering a medication question, so I hesitated to answer.
Sly, please listen to Sioux's lovely suggestions and solutions, especially that you don't HAVE to go home for the holidays. Sometimes spending those days alone is much better than spending them being abused, either covertly or overtly by those who profess to love us.
Also, have you ever explored the therapeutic modality called ransactional analysis (not "games people play" but the more comprehensive "What do you say after you say hello?" or the textbooks on TA written by Eric Berne?. It seems to me that you are living a life script given you by your family that says that you cannot fulfill their expectations and therefore, that you should not "be" (so very often interpreted as "don't be successful" or "don't be happy"--resulting in depression and anxiety).
Take care! Perhaps you can practice some positive creative visualization (Start by telling yourself in the mirror as often as you can that "I am worthy of love and acceptance just as I am this very moment" and that you can FLY (finally love yourself, courtesy of the Flylady)!
Bless you,
Jannbeau
>>> I don't think I'm drifting back into a full-blown depression, but the holidays aren't easy for me
>
> May I speak here as a Chaplain? There are *many* people for whom the holidays are dreadful for a variety of reasons. Some of the coping strategies that folks I know are using are wonderful.
>
> One couple made it a game to absolutely avoid hearing a single Christmas song or seeing a single relative. They found that the time together without the radio, TV, shopping, or button-pushing family to be really something extraordinary. They've now been married 32 years and continue to keep the tradition, spending their time catching up on projects. They send valentines out each year instead of Christmas cards.
>
> Another good one is to seek out a non-celebrating community if you are near immigrants from Asia, especially. As a street child, I found refuge among the Chinese of our community. The New Year dragon is still one of my most moving symbols.
>
> Don't hesitate to be "weird." People who love you will be glad you are inventing new ways to take care of yourself. The others are not worth pleasing, anyway. Everybody will get used to it. In fact, you may very well help lots of others in the same boat.
>
> The main thing is, it's your life to live as you choose. Investigate the choices.
>
> >>> "hurry up, if you wait much longer your looks will go and no one will want you".
>
> *That* is so destructive and so completely not true. Anyone that goes for the looks isn't worth having, anyway. The truth is most guys don't even notice. My husband still buys me size 10 jeans. He carries a wedding picture with him and sincerely believes I haven't changed a bit.
>
> >>> Unfortunately going away isn't an option, I'm forced to go home
>
> Oh, I do hope you'll examine this! Unless we're talking gunpoint and handcuffs, you probably have more choices than you believe you do. Look into them or call the cops to arrest your kidnappers. It really is okay to disobey your family. If they love you they'll be okay with it. If they don't, you need to know that.
>
> Keep me posted. You are not at all alone and, in fact, there are folks out there hoping you'll speak up so *they* won't feel alone.
>
> -- S
>
poster:jannbeau
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021210/msgs/131711.html