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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cinderella on August 11, 2004, at 20:33:25
Well...I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Friday will be my second session. Hope I can make it till then. I've been through a week of pain; physical and emotional. Feel like nothing I've done has been right. I've made bad decisions all of my life and this is why I'm trapped and can't find my way out of my misery. I know this sounds dark and if you are reading this and are depressed also, it might make you feel worse so maybe you shouldn't read it. I've been codependent all my life and I chose nursing 20 years ago as a profession and the weight of being responsible for taking care of other people's serious needs is eating me alive. I can't quit working because my husband says we need my income incase he loses his job again. We also need my retirement benefits.
My first marriage was a failure. I married a ne'r do well alcoholic and we had a child. That child grew up with a learning disability and will now be graduating from high school this year at the bottom of her class because I was too dull-headed and always working too much to see that she needed a psychologist to fix her, instead of leaving things up to the school. She's 17 now and I am FINALLY realizing that she needs psychological testing to find out why she can not function well in math and in school. She can't get into any college/university and will have to attend community college next fall and with any hope, just pass the non-math courses. I feel like such a bad mom for not realizing this sooner. And I'm a nurse too! I should have known! My second husband is an over-critical, short-tempered person who always has to be right about everything and puts the blame on me for things when they don't go right. I come home to him every night. He says I should have held off a while longer from my first marriage before jumping in and marrying him. I know he is right. (I asked him to marry me and he said yes.) Another bad mistake: he and my daughter do not speak to eachother even though we have been married for 8 years. Her real father put all of these bad ideas into her head that I'm a whore and that stepfathers are evil. When me and my second husband got married, we just jumped in without thinking and bought a house 30 miles from my work but closer to his work. At the time I didn't care. I was just so in love and so happy to own a home...something I'd never had with my first husband. The years of commuting 2-3 hours a day in stop and go traffic plus my stressful job have taken their toll on my health as well as my mental stability. It is going to be very difficult and expensive to sell our house because houses closer in town cost about 1/3 more and the value of our house has gone down because our neighborhood is turning ghetto. I live in the 4th largest city in the country. Our house was robbed 3 months ago. I haven't really gotten over this. I feel like I am reaping the punishment for every bad decision I ever made and I feel so exhausted all the time I don't have the energy to get out of it. The worst part is knowing that if I'd just had the intelligence and good judgement to make the right choices to begin with, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. Some people are just depressed. Other people MAKE their depression...that's me! Some things are irreversable: like my daughter's education. I can't send her back to first grade now! Too late!
There are alot of smart, caring parents who, no matter how tired they are, find the time to get to the bottom of their kids' problems and find solutions to them so that their kids turn out ok. I didn't. I was too busy working and running away from bad situations to care about the more important needs of my daughter. I do think about suicide because I've sort of come to the end of the line with everything. My daughter will be 18 soon and I've made a mess of her. I can't change that now. What's done is done. I hate my job I've been in for the last 12 years and don't have the stamina, money or creativity to change professions. If I change to a job with the same pay it will still be in nursing because that's the only professional skill I have and that's the only thing head hunters are looking for. I hate my drive to work every day. I'm miserable with my husband and my schizophrenic mom who is still alive still calls me and bothers me every day. I'm gone 12 hours a day 5 days a week and when I get home from work, I'm so tired I just eat and go to bed. On the weekends, I'm busy shopping and cleaning house and taking care of things that I don't have time to do during the week. I want to leave all of this but there is no place else to go in this life. The world is such a bad place. I'm not saying I would do anything. I just wish God could take me out.
Just the way I feel right now.
C
Posted by JenStar on August 11, 2004, at 22:08:38
In reply to Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 11, 2004, at 20:33:25
oh Cinderella, I'm so sorry you feel so bad! I feel unequal to offer any advice to you, so I will just offer my support and my care. I hope your therapist can help you find your way back to the bright side of life. Please, please hang on and give it a chance! Many people here have gotten life-changing help from therapy, and you will too.
Can I ask you a favor? Can you please post 3 things you like about yourself? You sound so down on yourself and I'm SURE -- 100% SURE - that you have many admirable, wonderful qualities. (Just from your post I can see some already: I can tell that you're strong, you care about family deeply, and you are a caring person in general to go into nursing and survive one of the most difficult professions there is.)
Please stay with us. Keep posting.
JenStar
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 11, 2004, at 22:59:38
In reply to Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 11, 2004, at 20:33:25
I hear a lot of depression in what you write. This isn't all about decisions. It's how you view things now. I hear a lot of negative self- labeling. I hear a sense of non-accomplishments. I sense a believe of failure.
What you don't hear - you are raising children still, maintaining a home, involved in a marriage, commuting to work, living in a dangerous area, just been robbed and not feeling safe, working hard 7 days a week. BUT, you expect more. Why do you expect so much of yourself?
You have done spins around my life. I haven't touched what you have done and you don't think that was enough or you label yourself as codependent. You were taught to help others and you did that, but that's not totally codependent. Unless, you are choosing it today. You were a child and helped your mom cope as best as you could do. That's not a bad thing. You seem to put a label on that. You loved your mom otherwise you wouldn't have done it. Would you label your daughter as codependent if you had to be taken care of? What if she grew up and became a nurse from it? How would you feel?
Now, you can do something else. Your body and mind are saying, "I want something for me." Please don't run your decisions down or label yourself. Your children will model that. They come from you. If mom thinks she is a failure, well I must be too. You have to treat you kindly and stop the 12 hours 5 days a week though. That's easy for me to say, but that's too much. Your body is talking volumes. Can you find a job closer or move now?
Your daughter is your daughter for life. As far as math, I didn't learn math until I went to a community college either. I didn't blame my mother for it. Sometimes, we are ready to learn until we are paying the tab. Children aren't going to come out perfect. Nothing in life is really perfect. But, I believe that you have a standard of perfection for you in there somewhere.
By the way, I don't remember any parenting classes in nursing school. They shoved so much information in my head so fast it wasn't funny and threw me to the real world. Developmental Psychology was in there, but not parenting. By the way, do you really feel that you were able to ever be just a kid while trying to help your mom? Maybe now is a wake up call to have some fun. Things sound too serious and intense. I believe in therapy and I go too, but they do teach us just to get back in touch with the parts of ourselves we thought were gone. There is a creative fun loving woman in there just waiting to come out. Maybe this life is smothering her? Have you thought about medication for this depression? You might not have the energy due to the depression. Have you had a physical lately?
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 12, 2004, at 14:26:54
In reply to Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 11, 2004, at 20:33:25
Please, give me some feed back. You have a heavy load and I am concerned about you. I am glad you are here.
Posted by Cinderella on August 13, 2004, at 8:06:53
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 12, 2004, at 14:26:54
Hi. Yes. I'm still here. Just wrote this big long post and it got deleted gggggrrrrrrrr!!!
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 13, 2004, at 12:15:12
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 13, 2004, at 8:06:53
Oh, No! Maybe you could write the cliff note version or an outline. I hate to loose what I write like that.
Posted by Cinderella on August 13, 2004, at 12:26:11
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 13, 2004, at 12:15:12
It is awful! Today really is Friday the 13th for me. It's been a stressful day here at work. My Sacral ileac joint is hurting so bad I am quivering. I feel like crying but I can't. I have to hold it in. I'm at work. Lunch is almost over. Thank God I have my appt with my therapist today. I'm afraid it might not be productive because I'll just cry through the whole thing.
PLOP....that's the sound of a virtual tear.
TY
hugs
C
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 13, 2004, at 23:45:07
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 13, 2004, at 12:26:11
Have you tried chiropractic for your back? It helped me in that area.
Posted by Cinderella on August 17, 2004, at 7:27:04
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 13, 2004, at 23:45:07
Hi. Yes. I have done chiropractic. They just took my money and that's all. Was told I would have to go to several sessions to get any relief. Went to 9 of them. Insurance only paid for 5 so I was stuck paying for the other 4 at $90 a session. I'm still in pain and I still owe them money. The chiropracter insists it is my fault for not sticking with the treatment. I don't care what he says. I think it was just not working for me. This guy was supposed to be REALLY good and recommended by alot of my dance friends. So much for chiropractic. I took off from work yesterday and stayed home and rested. I felt remarkably better yesterday and only took 1 pain pill the whole day. Of course, quitting my job is not an option at this point. It just isn't. I'm exploring my reasons for feeling so trapped right now and asking God to help me deal with my problems and see past the physical and emotional pain. I think I'm going to be okay.
C
Posted by Susan47 on August 17, 2004, at 16:40:04
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 17, 2004, at 7:27:04
Cinderella, Your first post really touched my heart. I've felt like you do. I'd been married twice, was in my second one (I left in February) and could find no happiness in life. But then, I met my therapist, who gave me incentive to want to live. I don't even know if he realized what he did for me, because all of it was so tied up with my personal pain and he got a lot of that flak. And I made it unbearable for both him and me, so eventually he dumped me; now I hope I don't need a therapist till January because I can't afford to see one!!!
If you're in a position to be seeing a therapist regularly, that might be a real lifesaver for you. Just a thought.
Posted by Cinderella on August 18, 2004, at 14:30:14
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Susan47 on August 17, 2004, at 16:40:04
Susan))))) (And Shadow) Glad you understand. Depression is a cloudy place and not a good place to remain. Sorry about your 2 marriages Susan. Divorce is so traumatic. One thing I've learned though, the old saying holds true:
No matter where you go, there you are. Right?
I ran from my first husband into the arms of another and my baggage went right along with me.
The last couple of days, I've had an epiphany. Perhaps attributing to the Zoloft which at last is working. Whatever the case, my emotions are in check and I was able to work nonstop today and cleaned up my office and rearranged my furniture.
Things are looking a little better.
Thanks for caring.
C
Posted by Susan47 on August 18, 2004, at 16:29:14
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 18, 2004, at 14:30:14
Two marriages was hard on me, but if livin' ain't meant to be hard what's it for.
Divorce.. I let my first ex- do *everything*, right from a do-it-yourself divorce kit. Didn't get a penny of support for almost 9 years. Then got just over one year's worth, in one year. Now he's hidin' out in Me-hi-co. Ah well. His loss, the silly bastard.
Oops, now I'm probably in trouble with you-know-who but, oh well. My mood says I had to say it.. by now you're probably asking yourself what kind of fool am I? An old fool. Middle-aged anyway.
Posted by Susan47 on August 18, 2004, at 16:35:05
In reply to Re: Feel Trapped, Helpless, posted by Cinderella on August 18, 2004, at 14:30:14
You wrote: No matter where you go, there you are. Right?
Yes, it just depends on who I am at the time?
This is the end of the thread.
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