Posted by Cinderella on August 11, 2004, at 20:33:25
Well...I guess that's why I'm in therapy. Friday will be my second session. Hope I can make it till then. I've been through a week of pain; physical and emotional. Feel like nothing I've done has been right. I've made bad decisions all of my life and this is why I'm trapped and can't find my way out of my misery. I know this sounds dark and if you are reading this and are depressed also, it might make you feel worse so maybe you shouldn't read it. I've been codependent all my life and I chose nursing 20 years ago as a profession and the weight of being responsible for taking care of other people's serious needs is eating me alive. I can't quit working because my husband says we need my income incase he loses his job again. We also need my retirement benefits.
My first marriage was a failure. I married a ne'r do well alcoholic and we had a child. That child grew up with a learning disability and will now be graduating from high school this year at the bottom of her class because I was too dull-headed and always working too much to see that she needed a psychologist to fix her, instead of leaving things up to the school. She's 17 now and I am FINALLY realizing that she needs psychological testing to find out why she can not function well in math and in school. She can't get into any college/university and will have to attend community college next fall and with any hope, just pass the non-math courses. I feel like such a bad mom for not realizing this sooner. And I'm a nurse too! I should have known! My second husband is an over-critical, short-tempered person who always has to be right about everything and puts the blame on me for things when they don't go right. I come home to him every night. He says I should have held off a while longer from my first marriage before jumping in and marrying him. I know he is right. (I asked him to marry me and he said yes.) Another bad mistake: he and my daughter do not speak to eachother even though we have been married for 8 years. Her real father put all of these bad ideas into her head that I'm a whore and that stepfathers are evil. When me and my second husband got married, we just jumped in without thinking and bought a house 30 miles from my work but closer to his work. At the time I didn't care. I was just so in love and so happy to own a home...something I'd never had with my first husband. The years of commuting 2-3 hours a day in stop and go traffic plus my stressful job have taken their toll on my health as well as my mental stability. It is going to be very difficult and expensive to sell our house because houses closer in town cost about 1/3 more and the value of our house has gone down because our neighborhood is turning ghetto. I live in the 4th largest city in the country. Our house was robbed 3 months ago. I haven't really gotten over this. I feel like I am reaping the punishment for every bad decision I ever made and I feel so exhausted all the time I don't have the energy to get out of it. The worst part is knowing that if I'd just had the intelligence and good judgement to make the right choices to begin with, I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. Some people are just depressed. Other people MAKE their depression...that's me! Some things are irreversable: like my daughter's education. I can't send her back to first grade now! Too late!
There are alot of smart, caring parents who, no matter how tired they are, find the time to get to the bottom of their kids' problems and find solutions to them so that their kids turn out ok. I didn't. I was too busy working and running away from bad situations to care about the more important needs of my daughter. I do think about suicide because I've sort of come to the end of the line with everything. My daughter will be 18 soon and I've made a mess of her. I can't change that now. What's done is done. I hate my job I've been in for the last 12 years and don't have the stamina, money or creativity to change professions. If I change to a job with the same pay it will still be in nursing because that's the only professional skill I have and that's the only thing head hunters are looking for. I hate my drive to work every day. I'm miserable with my husband and my schizophrenic mom who is still alive still calls me and bothers me every day. I'm gone 12 hours a day 5 days a week and when I get home from work, I'm so tired I just eat and go to bed. On the weekends, I'm busy shopping and cleaning house and taking care of things that I don't have time to do during the week. I want to leave all of this but there is no place else to go in this life. The world is such a bad place. I'm not saying I would do anything. I just wish God could take me out.
Just the way I feel right now.
C
poster:Cinderella
thread:376602
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040811/msgs/376602.html