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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:48:30
Does anybody else besides me have a problem of letting go of things said to you that have upset you?
I recently did something very stupid because I act so impulsively and I upset somebody. I have since apologized to the girl and she told me to not worry about it, she forgave me because she is a Christian and it is the Christian thing to do.
However, since then, she has had a change of heart and refuses to talk with me. Nothing else has transpired between us for her to change her mind. I don't understand. If she is a Christian and it is the Christian thing to do to forgive and forget, then why would she change her mind?
It's driving me CRAZY. I tried e-mailing her to find out what happened to change her mind and I was extremely nice in my e-mail but I didn't receive a reply.
I can't seem to let this go. I need to know what possessed her to change her mind, especially since she said it was 'the Christian thing to do'.
Things like this REALLY upset me. I can't seem to get past them. I want so much to know why she changed her mind. She never even gave me a 2nd chance.
Everybody says she is the most sweetest and kindest person you could ever meet, so why would she do this to me?
It's driving me crazy. It's taking every little bit of willpower I have to not e-mail her again. She obviously wants nothing to do with me, so why can't I leave it at that? Why do I always feel the need to have everybody like me? And the more I want that, the more I push everybody away from me.
Why does everybody eventually end up leaving me? Am I that bad a person that I deserve to be by myself the rest of my life?
AG
Posted by partlycloudy on June 15, 2004, at 7:09:11
In reply to Letting go, posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:48:30
((((AG)))) please don't blame yourself because she's having a problem. I have a very difficult time letting go, especially if there have been hard feelings in the past that you thought had been reconciled.
I understand the Forgive part, but struggle with Forget. Sometimes when something has transpired, it colours a friendship. No need to take the rap, AngelGirl. This is your friend's deal. You're no less worthyn of friendship.
My T told me not to try so hard. It's a huge issue for me.
Posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 7:53:45
In reply to Re: Letting go » Angel Girl, posted by partlycloudy on June 15, 2004, at 7:09:11
> ((((AG)))) please don't blame yourself because she's having a problem. I have a very difficult time letting go, especially if there have been hard feelings in the past that you thought had been reconciled.
>
> I understand the Forgive part, but struggle with Forget. Sometimes when something has transpired, it colours a friendship. No need to take the rap, AngelGirl. This is your friend's deal. You're no less worthyn of friendship.
>
> My T told me not to try so hard. It's a huge issue for me.
pcI think that is part of my problem. I try to hard. I've often been told that and I know it's true.
I understand what you're saying about forgiving and forgeting. I wrestle with that. Sometimes I think I have forgiven someone for something but yet if I don't forget about it, then did I *really* forgive them in the first place? Wouldn't you forget if you forgive? So confusing for me.
I think the thing that bothered me most about this situation was that she told me that she forgave me because it was the Christian thing to do. So what happened? Is she not a Christian anymore? I just don't get it and it really bothers me.
I have a feeing that a mutual friend told her that I'm dealing with a mental illness and that is why she has decided to distance herself from me. Just because I'm sick, doesn't make me any less of a person. <cries>
Thanks for the hugs. I could really use them today.
AG
Posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 8:51:59
In reply to Letting go, posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:48:30
I totally understand where you're coming from. I would have trouble not sending another email myself. I think you and I are alot alike in that way. The only thing I can suggest is to try to put off doing or saying anything as long as you can, because you might change your mind about it later. I mean, alot of times in retrospect I realize if I had just stayed quiet, things would have worked themselves out. I wouldn't be surprised that if you just tried to adopt the attitude of, "Well, I apologized, if she can't except that, there's not much else I can do", she just might come around.
And you are not a bad person and do not deserve to be alone. You are a very kind and considerate person. I think like partlycloudy said, we just try to hard. If you really feel like you can't help but email her, try to make yourself wait a week or so. This will give you a chance to calm down a bit, and will give her time as well. Good luck, I'm routing for you!
Posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 9:24:39
In reply to Letting go, posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:48:30
I have stalker tendencies too. heh. I usually have to force myself to divert my attentions elsewhere when something like that happens, to keep me busy doing other things so I won't get into trouble.
((((((AG)))))))
you're doing the right thing, though. and it's not your fault. it really isn't. she can't be *the* kindest person on earth if she's decided to blow you off, either, btw.and just because she decided to blow you off doesnt mean anything personal to you. it just means she can't deal. and that's her problem, not yours.
obviously i know what you mean about feeling abandoned and alone (i'll reply to that post later!). but i think you're a sweet girl. i don't think you'll be alone forever. it just seems like it sometimes. believe me, i know how you're feeling.
ghost
Posted by Emme on June 15, 2004, at 16:46:54
In reply to Letting go, posted by Angel Girl on June 15, 2004, at 4:48:30
Just because she knows Forgive-and-Forget is the "Christian" thing to do and she is aspiring to be a good Christian doesn't mean she's necessarily finding it easy to do. She may be sweet and kind but she's also human. She's probably stuggling with it.
I understand the part about it driving you crazy. I tend to go absolutely nuts until a conflict with a friend is resolved. In this case you've done what you can by apologizing. Give her a little space and perhaps she'll be past it in a while.
It sounds like you've got a pretty good understanding of what's going on with your needing to have everyone like you and trying too hard. Sounds all too familiar to me. It's hard to do, but caring less is better when a situation is beyond your control. I don't know if this is any comfort to you, but the "gotta have everyone like me" problem has faded a little for me as I've gotten older.
Maybe time just mellows you out. Maybe it's in part a confidence thing. I'm no longer the bookish kid who was teased on the playground. I have enough long-term friendships. So... I feel like I'm socially acceptable and I find that I don't try overly hard with people anymore in terms of general socializing. Does that make any sense?
And depression and anxiety make it worse - my feelings and thoughts get distorted. So mood control helps in normalizing relationhips.
Feel better!
Emme
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 3:37:53
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by TexasChic on June 15, 2004, at 8:51:59
> I totally understand where you're coming from. I would have trouble not sending another email myself. I think you and I are alot alike in that way. The only thing I can suggest is to try to put off doing or saying anything as long as you can, because you might change your mind about it later. I mean, alot of times in retrospect I realize if I had just stayed quiet, things would have worked themselves out. I wouldn't be surprised that if you just tried to adopt the attitude of, "Well, I apologized, if she can't except that, there's not much else I can do", she just might come around.
> And you are not a bad person and do not deserve to be alone. You are a very kind and considerate person. I think like partlycloudy said, we just try to hard. If you really feel like you can't help but email her, try to make yourself wait a week or so. This will give you a chance to calm down a bit, and will give her time as well. Good luck, I'm routing for you!
TexasChicAs tempted as I am to send her another e-mail, I know it would only make things worse. I think at the time she said she forgave me she had no idea about my mental illness and I have great suspicion that a mutual friend of ours, that does know, probably told her. I think now she is scared to death of me and that's why she has backed off from me. I asked the mutual friend if she knew why and she told me that this girl is a Christian and therefore doesn't like any confrontations and she is afraid that if she says something, that I might take it the wrong way and make a big scene. :(
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 4:14:00
In reply to Re: Letting go » Angel Girl, posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 9:24:39
> I have stalker tendencies too. heh. I usually have to force myself to divert my attentions elsewhere when something like that happens, to keep me busy doing other things so I won't get into trouble.
> ((((((AG)))))))
> you're doing the right thing, though. and it's not your fault. it really isn't. she can't be *the* kindest person on earth if she's decided to blow you off, either, btw.
>
> and just because she decided to blow you off doesnt mean anything personal to you. it just means she can't deal. and that's her problem, not yours.
>
> obviously i know what you mean about feeling abandoned and alone (i'll reply to that post later!). but i think you're a sweet girl. i don't think you'll be alone forever. it just seems like it sometimes. believe me, i know how you're feeling.
>
> ghost
ghostYou're far to kind but thank you for the compliments.
I'm not going to e-mail her even though it's extremely hard for me. I just feel I need to know why she has changed her mind. I guess I'll never find out though. She's made her decision and somehow I have to learn to accept it.
Another one of my hang-ups: losing control. It *really* bothers me when I lose control over something that affects my life. I have this extreme need to be in control at all times. Yep, more therapy time for me. So many demons to conquer, I hardly know where to start. :(
AG
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 9:29:24
In reply to Re: Letting go, posted by Emme on June 15, 2004, at 16:46:54
Emme
I understand what you're saying about her still being human and maybe she is struggling with what she perseves to be the right thing. BUT, why tell me you have forgiven me and forgotten the incident and then change your mind. She would've been better to have not said anything to me at all.
I'm the type of person that when there is a conflict between myself and somebody else, I like to talk it out and resolve it. I HATE it when the other person just wants to drop the issue and not talk about it anymore. Ok, maybe that brings closure for them but what about me, it sure doesn't bring any kind of closure for me and then I sit and stew about it and try to figure out what I did wrong. Why can't people just learn to communicate instead of ignoring it. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. It just buries it.
Oh oh!!! You brought up the 'control' word. lol!!! That's another problem for me. I really come unglued when I don't have control over something that affects me. I hate to lose control to someone else.
Maybe my need to have everybody like me is because IRL I have NO friends whatsoever. My only friends are on the net and the numbers are dwindling at a rapid rate. I've come to the conclusion that I can't form anymore close attachments to people. I must keep them at arms length or else there is going to be problems. I can't seem to manage relationships so I've decided that if I keep everybody at a safe distance from now on, then maybe there'll be less strife in my life. Of course, OTOH, it leaves me with no friends too, therefore also with deeper depression. What to do?
<quote>
And depression and anxiety make it worse - my feelings and thoughts get distorted. So mood control helps in normalizing relationhips.
<end quote>
BINGO!!!! That's EXACTLY why I can't manage relationships. My thoughts are so distorted, I'm EXTREMELY sensitive, I analyze everything to death I misinterpret what is being said to me and I'm paranoid that everyone is going to leave me, which they all seem to do.
How have you learned to control your mood? I certainly need to do that.
I have been in the process of finding a new therapist but I've gotten side-tracked because I'm going through withdrawal from a med I had to stop. Not doing too well physically right now. In fact, I'm barely even functioning at this point. Hopefully this will come to an end soon so I can get back into finding a therapist who can hopefully help me with everything.
Thanks.
AG
Posted by Emme on June 16, 2004, at 11:00:53
In reply to Re: Letting go » Emme, posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 9:29:24
Hi AG,
> I understand what you're saying about her still being human and maybe she is struggling with what she perseves to be the right thing. BUT, why tell me you have forgiven me and forgotten the incident and then change your mind. She would've been better to have not said anything to me at all.
Yeah, that's frustrating as can be. And not very fair to you. But it does make some sense to me. I think that sometimes people take a little while to process things and the way they feel about something can change. And not necessarily in a favorable way. I sometimes find myself having an intial response to something, and then have a different feeling about it the more I think about it. I don't mean that it's okay to jerk you around. Just that if you're trying to figure out WHY she did it, that there's a possible explanation. At any rate, it's her issue now and hopefully she'll be able to put it in perspective and set it aside.
> I'm the type of person that when there is a conflict between myself and somebody else, I like o talk it out and resolve it. I HATE it when the other person just wants to drop the issue and not talk about it anymore. Ok, maybe that brings closure for them but what about me, it sure doesn't bring any kind of closure for me and then I sit and stew about it and try to figure out what I did wrong. Why can't people just learn to communicate instead of ignoring it. Ignoring it doesn't make it go away. It just buries it.It sounds like a mismatch between your needs and the needs of the other person. The other person may feel like they've finished dealing with a problem. Or it may not be quite as serious an issue for them and require less discussion. You may simply need a little more talking to feel comfortable. If you're feeling unsettled about something, can you ask the other person to discuss it a little more - "I'm still feeling a little unresolved about X. If we can just chat about it for a couple of minutes I think I'll feel better." Or something like that. It's not good to be in a position where you'll stew.
> I've come to the conclusion that I can't form anymore close attachments to people. I must keep them at arms length or else there is going to be problems. I can't seem to manage relationships so I've decided that if I keep everybody at a safe distance from now on, then maybe there'll be less strife in my life. Of course, OTOH, it leaves me with no friends too, therefore also with deeper depression. What to do?
That's gotta be a painful state to be in. Your frustration definitely comes through. You deserve to have enjoyable friendships! There's no reason why that can't change. You can do it. You mentioned looking for a therapist. That definitely sounds like a good move.
> And depression and anxiety make it worse - my feelings and thoughts get distorted. So mood control helps in normalizing relationhips.
> <end quote>
>
> BINGO!!!! That's EXACTLY why I can't manage relationships. My thoughts are so distorted, I'm EXTREMELY sensitive, I analyze everything to death I misinterpret what is being said to me and I'm paranoid that everyone is going to leave me, which they all seem to do.
> How have you learned to control your mood? I certainly need to do that.Well, helpful medication sure makes a difference. Some CBT with a good therapist is very good. Socializing is important. I find hanging out with friends or taking to them on the phone very helpful. You don't have the social circle you need right now. But when you feel better and start to establish friendships, it'll probably give you enhanced mood control.
I think we *all* are sensitive to rejection and can feel insecure about what's said to us. It's a matter of degree. You just need the volume turned down on yours.
If you're feeling intensely upset about something someone said or did, give yourself some time to let your emotions simmer down. Distract yourself for a few hours with work, a yoga class, etc., then think of a bunch of possible interpretations about what's going on. Including the possibility that the other person has something going on that has nothing to do with you. Then decide how you want to proceed. But I think the key is coming up with multiple possible interpretations. Of course all of this is way easier said than done. I'm not as good as I'd like to be at waiting things out.
> I have been in the process of finding a new therapist but I've gotten side-tracked because I'm going through withdrawal from a med I had to stop. Not doing too well physically right now. In fact, I'm barely even functioning at this point. Hopefully this will come to an end soon so I can get back into finding a therapist who can hopefully help me with everything.
You got a mild case of SJS, right? Hope it clears up quickly. Good luck in finding a therapist.
Emme
Posted by Angel Girl on June 16, 2004, at 14:36:37
In reply to Re: Letting go » Angel Girl, posted by Emme on June 16, 2004, at 11:00:53
Emme
> Hi AG,
>
> Yeah, that's frustrating as can be. And not very fair to you. But it does make some sense to me. I think that sometimes people take a little while to process things and the way they feel about something can change. And not necessarily in a favorable way. I sometimes find myself having an intial response to something, and then have a different feeling about it the more I think about it. I don't mean that it's okay to jerk you around. Just that if you're trying to figure out WHY she did it, that there's a possible explanation. At any rate, it's her issue now and hopefully she'll be able to put it in perspective and set it aside.
>Of course, you're right. I've done that many times myself. Part of my problem is that I'm so impulsive. It never occurrs to me that there could be any other reason for changing her mind, other than something negative about me.
>
> It sounds like a mismatch between your needs and the needs of the other person. The other person may feel like they've finished dealing with a problem. Or it may not be quite as serious an issue for them and require less discussion. You may simply need a little more talking to feel comfortable. If you're feeling unsettled about something, can you ask the other person to discuss it a little more - "I'm still feeling a little unresolved about X. If we can just chat about it for a couple of minutes I think I'll feel better." Or something like that. It's not good to be in a position where you'll stew.
>Unfortunately, I run up against this every time there is a conflict between somebody else and me. I've tried to ask for them to take a little bit of time to help me find closure, they never will. The problem is, is that I think everyone is so sick of my illness and how it manifests itself, that they just don't want to deal with anymore than absolutely necessary. :(
>
> That's gotta be a painful state to be in. Your frustration definitely comes through. You deserve to have enjoyable friendships! There's no reason why that can't change. You can do it. You mentioned looking for a therapist. That definitely sounds like a good move.
>The ONLY way that I'll ever be able to have any kind of a relationship with anybody is to learn how to do just that in therapy. It does make me very frustrated and it also makes me feel very much alone. But I had to come to the conclusion that I won't try to make friends with anybody in the future until I've learned some tools in therapy that will help me to have a healthy relationship without all the strife. I have a LONG road ahead of me.
> Well, helpful medication sure makes a difference. Some CBT with a good therapist is very good. Socializing is important. I find hanging out with friends or taking to them on the phone very helpful. You don't have the social circle you need right now. But when you feel better and start to establish friendships, it'll probably give you enhanced mood control.
>Well, I guess I've never found the right medication to help me with this. Socializing? I guess I didn't mention that I'm socialphobic eh!!! I don't have ANY friends IRL, only on the net, sad but true and even the number of net friends has dwindled drastically. My behavior must be totally irrational because I always screw up every relationship I have.
> I think we *all* are sensitive to rejection and can feel insecure about what's said to us. It's a matter of degree. You just need the volume turned down on yours.
>I've been overly sensitive as long as I can remember. Where is that dang volume control knob?
> If you're feeling intensely upset about something someone said or did, give yourself some time to let your emotions simmer down. Distract yourself for a few hours with work, a yoga class, etc., then think of a bunch of possible interpretations about what's going on. Including the possibility that the other person has something going on that has nothing to do with you. Then decide how you want to proceed. But I think the key is coming up with multiple possible interpretations. Of course all of this is way easier said than done. I'm not as good as I'd like to be at waiting things out.
>I am starting to delay my reaction to a situation now. I'm such an impulsive person and I usually act out immediately and then that's where I get into trouble. I often times misinterpret what is being said to me as well as analyze everything to death. My thought processes is royally screwed up. How did I get to be so different than everyone else? I wasn't like this before.
>
> You got a mild case of SJS, right? Hope it clears up quickly. Good luck in finding a therapist.
>
> Emme
Yep I do. I seem to be developing new rashes every day but they're all minor but the itch makes me CRAZY!!! I hope it clears up soon too. I hope I find a new therapist soon too. The sooner I get started, the sooner my life will improve.Thanks Emme. So often I need things pointed out to me because I can't see them myself. Naturally, my way has always been the wrong way. I'm just so paranoid.
AG
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