![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 8:16:08
Just in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd post a bit of a bio and some info about myself. I'd really like to become as much a part of PSB as I am on PB. Before my social phobia was treated, I was just plain too nervous to post on a board strictly for socialization. Thank the gods I don't have to worry about that anymore. :-)
I've never known my father. My mother has panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. One of her younger sisters is depressed and a former cocaine addict, and the other has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her older sister, anorexic. Their mother suffers from debilitating panic disorder. Thus it came as no surprise to anyone when I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder at the age of five, following referral to a psychiatrist by the school counselor.
I did extremely well in school, due only to my above-average intelligence... I was always at the top of my class, straight A's, and a GPA that hovered around 4.3. But when the bell would ring to signal the end of the school day, in retrospect I can just picture my mother waiting at home for my arrival, bottle of Xanax in hand... her one escape from the horror that would inevitably ensue throughout the remainder of the day -- temper tantrums during which I would destroy half the things we owned, running in a dizzying fashion from one thing to the next, leaving a trail of destruction in my path, and even going so far as to threaten to murder my own mother on several occasions.
I suppose it would be helpful to mention here that, upon my being diagnosed with ADHD, the doctor scribbled out a prescription for Ritalin, which my mother graciously declined to accept. She refused to have her six-year-old on drugs, and to this day I support her decision.
Sometime between the ages of ten and thirteen, my ADHD underwent a gradual metamorphosis to ADD without hyperactivity. At precisely the same time, however, I was beginning to develop a problem which I would trade for ADHD any day.
At first, it was simply, "Oh, he's just a little shy." Which was precisely right... my shyness had yet to grow beyond a subclinical level. But at the age of thirteen, I requested help, as I was continually going to any means necessary (including breaking my own finger one morning) just to get out of having to go to school. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and placed on Zoloft. After a month or so, a drastic change had taken place -- I no longer cared much what people thought of me, I had stopped having the panic attacks which had just recently started occurring, and I was easily able to attend school fairly easily.
It was not long thereafter that I realized, "Hey... I feel like a zombie on this crap." My emotions were dulled, my body was numb... I didn't remember laughing so much as once since the medication took effect. I contacted my doctor and immediately began the tapering process.
This began years of medication trials and therapy. All forms of therapy I tried were ultimately complete failures and wastes of money. As for all the medications, they fell into one of three classes: (A) side-effects intolerable [e.g. Zoloft, all other SSRIs, Wellbutrin, tricyclic antidepressants], (B) I abused them as tolerance developed to them [e.g. most benzodiazepines, barbiturates], and (C) they just plain didn't work [e.g. Effexor, Remeron, Serzone, MAOIs, antipsychotics, and mood-stabilizers]. With each disappointment, I found myself becoming increasingly introverted and depressed.
Meanwhile, during my years playing in local rock bands (ages 14-16), I used illegal drugs (illicit and prescription) day in and day out. After all, our band had a record contract with Elektra, our album nearly complete, and promotional tours being planned in Japan and Europe-- wasn't this how "rock stars" acted anyway? So for over two years my life became blurred by the "let's-see-how-wasted-we-can-get-today,-man" game. Absinthe, vodka, beer, pot, narcotic painkillers, muscle relaxers, and tranquilizers were an everyday guarantee; LSD, ecstasy, mushrooms, PCP, ketamine, dextromethorphan, and cocaine were a more-than-occasional add-on to the already potent cocktail of psychotropics we were poisoning ourselves with everyday. But, hey, I wasn't anxious all the time, so why stop?
November 11, 1999: Woke up in a hospital bed, unsure why I was there. Shortly thereafter, two police officers entered the room and removed me from my restraints (restraints.......?) and struggled with me to get me to the cruiser. I was brought first to a local mental health facility for analysis, where I was informed that I had taken a huge overdose of phenobarbital, Soma, and Xanax. I remembered none of this. Immediately following this was my first sojourn on the in-patient unit of a psychiatric hospital. I'm sure I don't need to describe how horrible it was.
Eleven days later, it was decided I was no longer a "danger to myself", and I was sent home with a month's supply each of Risperdal, Trileptal, and Remeron -- which, of course, didn't work.
Since then, I have ceased use of all drugs (including caffeine, and just two weeks ago, cigarettes). Well, okay, I smoke a little pot occasionally... and I drink some absinthe on the weekends, but can you blame me? lol
Because of all this, I lost every friend I've ever had. Until quite recently, I was completely housebound, with no human contact other than my mother, sister, my psychiatrist, and his receptionist (which was only occasional, as many of my appointments had to be conducted via telephone). I found that in order to be properly treated, I had to do my own research. It didn't take me long to come up with a self-diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder with comorbid panic disorder, as well as some thoroughly researched medications that have proven to be often very helpful to those with AvPD. This time around, within just a year of medication trials which were suggested by *me*, I feel, at long last, like how I've always imagined "normal" may feel. And it's wonderful.
So now my diagnoses are depression, avoidant personality disorder, social phobia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and attention deficit disorder. My current all-inclusive treatment is comprised of a restricted carbohydrate diet (to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years), regular jogging and weight-training, a myriad of nutritional/herbal/homeopathic supplements, 100mg Ultram four times daily, 6mg Xanax XR each morning, and 10mg Desoxyn only occasionally.
Avoidancy is part of my personality, and nothing -- no drug, no therapy -- can ever transform me into an extroverted "social-butterfly", and the same principle holds true for any personality disorder. So I'll always be "a little shy". So what? :-)
So anyway, here I am, 20 years old... seven and a half years of failed medications... but now finally "cured". And not just in the sense that my disorders are treated more than adequately, but that I've a newfound lust for life and cherish every moment of every day.
I am a musician, as I already mentioned... I find nothing more cathartic than writing a meaningful song on my acoustic guitar while sitting on my favorite tree stump in the middle of the woods. I also love to play bass and drums, and I sing as well.
I have a strong passion for linguistics. I *love* studying foreign languages -- even the rather oddball ones. I mean, I took out books on Punjabi, Romanian, and Hungarian during my last visit to the library. Heck, I even own the "Klingon Dictionary", lol (I'm definitely not a Trekkie though... just trust me on this, lol). But my biggest linguistic passion is French. Such a beautiful language, and I am getting closer and closer to fluency everyday now that I'm once again inspired to learn.
Of course, my presence all over PB probably shows my love for the study of psychopharmacology. It's such a fascinating field. I especially find the non-prescription approach to mental illness to be interesting -- homeopathy, acupressure, acupuncture, reiki, healing with crystals, herbalism, vitamins, minerals, amino acids, super foods, etc. ad nauseam.
I hope not to offend anyone here when I say this, but because it is a *very* big part of who I am, I feel it necessary to divulge to you all that I am pagan. I could write a book on that subject though, so if you're interested in what I mean by that, just ask. :-)
Well, that's enough about me... I'm sure you're sick of me by now, lol. But thank you very much if you read this post. I just wanted very much for you all to get to know me, as I hope to get to know you. Bright blessings to all! :-)
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2003, at 10:07:05
In reply to Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 8:16:08
Hi. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's wonderful that you've found a treatment that works for you! And also that you've decided that some things are just personality traits and neither good nor bad. Self acceptance!
It's a bit quiet right now on Social, although that could change at any time. So don't take it personally if there isn't a lot of activity. Sometimes it just seems that everyone takes breaks at the same time.
You know, I think it would be nice if there was a separate board for bios. So that newcomers could come and get a snapshot of everyone. But to be honest, how I would describe myself would probably change from month to month, never mind year to year.
But I'm Dinah. I have more trouble with anxiety disorders than mood disorders, but am officially diagnosed with OCD and cyclothymia, with probably some assorted personality disorders (though they're awfully cagey on Axis II). :) I've found medication thus far to be very disappointing, as medications that help one symptom invariably aggravate another. So you'll see me far more often on Psychological Babble than the medication board.
Posted by galkeepinon on August 4, 2003, at 12:18:00
In reply to Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 8:16:08
Hey there! I thought your post was wonderful, and I thank you for sharing that all with us. As I read it, I thought "how old is she?" When you said 20, I realized, wow-you have been through a lot in your short time here on earth. You talked about never knowing your father, and right now my father and I are not speaking (his choice) he is an alcoholic/addict, has many different alias', and has used and abused me and his mother(my grandmother) and our family. I like the idea of your approach to other avenues besides medication.
How did you remain strong through all this???? Losing friends, what is your restricted carbohydrate diet like??? I need to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years also.
You sound like me, everything from your GPA to pulling a knife on my mom(is what I did at one time)
I'm realizing too, that there is more to life than being a "social butterfly" ;)
What is a pagan???Just wanted to thank you again for sharing this, it took a lot of courage on your part.
Thanks!
> Just in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd post a bit of a bio and some info about myself. I'd really like to become as much a part of PSB as I am on PB. Before my social phobia was treated, I was just plain too nervous to post on a board strictly for socialization. Thank the gods I don't have to worry about that anymore. :-)
>
> I've never known my father. My mother has panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. One of her younger sisters is depressed and a former cocaine addict, and the other has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her older sister, anorexic. Their mother suffers from debilitating panic disorder. Thus it came as no surprise to anyone when I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder at the age of five, following referral to a psychiatrist by the school counselor.
>
> I did extremely well in school, due only to my above-average intelligence... I was always at the top of my class, straight A's, and a GPA that hovered around 4.3. But when the bell would ring to signal the end of the school day, in retrospect I can just picture my mother waiting at home for my arrival, bottle of Xanax in hand... her one escape from the horror that would inevitably ensue throughout the remainder of the day -- temper tantrums during which I would destroy half the things we owned, running in a dizzying fashion from one thing to the next, leaving a trail of destruction in my path, and even going so far as to threaten to murder my own mother on several occasions.
>
> I suppose it would be helpful to mention here that, upon my being diagnosed with ADHD, the doctor scribbled out a prescription for Ritalin, which my mother graciously declined to accept. She refused to have her six-year-old on drugs, and to this day I support her decision.
>
> Sometime between the ages of ten and thirteen, my ADHD underwent a gradual metamorphosis to ADD without hyperactivity. At precisely the same time, however, I was beginning to develop a problem which I would trade for ADHD any day.
>
> At first, it was simply, "Oh, he's just a little shy." Which was precisely right... my shyness had yet to grow beyond a subclinical level. But at the age of thirteen, I requested help, as I was continually going to any means necessary (including breaking my own finger one morning) just to get out of having to go to school. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and placed on Zoloft. After a month or so, a drastic change had taken place -- I no longer cared much what people thought of me, I had stopped having the panic attacks which had just recently started occurring, and I was easily able to attend school fairly easily.
>
> It was not long thereafter that I realized, "Hey... I feel like a zombie on this crap." My emotions were dulled, my body was numb... I didn't remember laughing so much as once since the medication took effect. I contacted my doctor and immediately began the tapering process.
>
> This began years of medication trials and therapy. All forms of therapy I tried were ultimately complete failures and wastes of money. As for all the medications, they fell into one of three classes: (A) side-effects intolerable [e.g. Zoloft, all other SSRIs, Wellbutrin, tricyclic antidepressants], (B) I abused them as tolerance developed to them [e.g. most benzodiazepines, barbiturates], and (C) they just plain didn't work [e.g. Effexor, Remeron, Serzone, MAOIs, antipsychotics, and mood-stabilizers]. With each disappointment, I found myself becoming increasingly introverted and depressed.
>
> Meanwhile, during my years playing in local rock bands (ages 14-16), I used illegal drugs (illicit and prescription) day in and day out. After all, our band had a record contract with Elektra, our album nearly complete, and promotional tours being planned in Japan and Europe-- wasn't this how "rock stars" acted anyway? So for over two years my life became blurred by the "let's-see-how-wasted-we-can-get-today,-man" game. Absinthe, vodka, beer, pot, narcotic painkillers, muscle relaxers, and tranquilizers were an everyday guarantee; LSD, ecstasy, mushrooms, PCP, ketamine, dextromethorphan, and cocaine were a more-than-occasional add-on to the already potent cocktail of psychotropics we were poisoning ourselves with everyday. But, hey, I wasn't anxious all the time, so why stop?
>
> November 11, 1999: Woke up in a hospital bed, unsure why I was there. Shortly thereafter, two police officers entered the room and removed me from my restraints (restraints.......?) and struggled with me to get me to the cruiser. I was brought first to a local mental health facility for analysis, where I was informed that I had taken a huge overdose of phenobarbital, Soma, and Xanax. I remembered none of this. Immediately following this was my first sojourn on the in-patient unit of a psychiatric hospital. I'm sure I don't need to describe how horrible it was.
>
> Eleven days later, it was decided I was no longer a "danger to myself", and I was sent home with a month's supply each of Risperdal, Trileptal, and Remeron -- which, of course, didn't work.
>
> Since then, I have ceased use of all drugs (including caffeine, and just two weeks ago, cigarettes). Well, okay, I smoke a little pot occasionally... and I drink some absinthe on the weekends, but can you blame me? lol
>
> Because of all this, I lost every friend I've ever had. Until quite recently, I was completely housebound, with no human contact other than my mother, sister, my psychiatrist, and his receptionist (which was only occasional, as many of my appointments had to be conducted via telephone). I found that in order to be properly treated, I had to do my own research. It didn't take me long to come up with a self-diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder with comorbid panic disorder, as well as some thoroughly researched medications that have proven to be often very helpful to those with AvPD. This time around, within just a year of medication trials which were suggested by *me*, I feel, at long last, like how I've always imagined "normal" may feel. And it's wonderful.
>
> So now my diagnoses are depression, avoidant personality disorder, social phobia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and attention deficit disorder. My current all-inclusive treatment is comprised of a restricted carbohydrate diet (to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years), regular jogging and weight-training, a myriad of nutritional/herbal/homeopathic supplements, 100mg Ultram four times daily, 6mg Xanax XR each morning, and 10mg Desoxyn only occasionally.
>
> Avoidancy is part of my personality, and nothing -- no drug, no therapy -- can ever transform me into an extroverted "social-butterfly", and the same principle holds true for any personality disorder. So I'll always be "a little shy". So what? :-)
>
> So anyway, here I am, 20 years old... seven and a half years of failed medications... but now finally "cured". And not just in the sense that my disorders are treated more than adequately, but that I've a newfound lust for life and cherish every moment of every day.
>
> I am a musician, as I already mentioned... I find nothing more cathartic than writing a meaningful song on my acoustic guitar while sitting on my favorite tree stump in the middle of the woods. I also love to play bass and drums, and I sing as well.
>
> I have a strong passion for linguistics. I *love* studying foreign languages -- even the rather oddball ones. I mean, I took out books on Punjabi, Romanian, and Hungarian during my last visit to the library. Heck, I even own the "Klingon Dictionary", lol (I'm definitely not a Trekkie though... just trust me on this, lol). But my biggest linguistic passion is French. Such a beautiful language, and I am getting closer and closer to fluency everyday now that I'm once again inspired to learn.
>
> Of course, my presence all over PB probably shows my love for the study of psychopharmacology. It's such a fascinating field. I especially find the non-prescription approach to mental illness to be interesting -- homeopathy, acupressure, acupuncture, reiki, healing with crystals, herbalism, vitamins, minerals, amino acids, super foods, etc. ad nauseam.
>
> I hope not to offend anyone here when I say this, but because it is a *very* big part of who I am, I feel it necessary to divulge to you all that I am pagan. I could write a book on that subject though, so if you're interested in what I mean by that, just ask. :-)
>
> Well, that's enough about me... I'm sure you're sick of me by now, lol. But thank you very much if you read this post. I just wanted very much for you all to get to know me, as I hope to get to know you. Bright blessings to all! :-)
>
>
>
Posted by Tabitha on August 4, 2003, at 12:20:24
In reply to Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 8:16:08
Hello. My goodness, you've had a lot of life experience for one so young. Congratulations for taking control of your diagnosis and med regime.
I'm shy too, not quite as severe as what you describe. Online socializing is a great way to let your social side come out without all those anxiety triggers of real life.
I'd be interested to hear about what being pagan means to you. Have you found any other pagans to associate with? I've heard of full-moon drum circles happening in my town. It sounds like such a nice idea.
Posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 12:50:19
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me... » Ame Sans Vie, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2003, at 10:07:05
Thanks a lot for the response! Glad to be getting to know some people on here a little better. :-)
I should probably check out Psychological Babble... haven't been there yet.
Posted by lostsailor on August 4, 2003, at 13:03:34
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Tabitha on August 4, 2003, at 12:20:24
Hi there,
I have read quite a few of you posts on PS and am amazed at you knowledge of not just treatment regimes and medications, but all the receptor sites they impact and stimulate or disinhibit….ect.
I , too, when young and would love to have had a school authority recommend to my parents that I need an evaluation of sorts. I look back and remember constant social anxiety and possibly not quiet episcopes of panic. The funny thing is, at that point, I was able to mask it all very well. When younger I played ‘cute”—a tiny eccentric.
During my teens, and early 20’s, like you, I experimented with illicit drugs. Actually they were, also like you, not as a musician but one who “followed” other musicians around the country thru late high-school and college, not only socially acceptable, but almost required in terms of bonding.
When, in my mid 20’s, I talked to my family doctor about everything after my mom had some heart problems, he began treatment with an ssri and xanax…not long after, I was referred to my pdoc—luckily the only one, aside from a couple of second opinions, as he and I have created a very good relationship with him and tried all the available cocktails at hand too. He read thru my illict drug history on my first appointment and focused mainly on the “calming” substances I reported using. I was amazed when he thought aggressive bezo use with an ssri (at that point I was diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder w/ agoraphobia, and major depression—which has now changed to Bi-polar disorder but “totally” (I still get depressed occasionally, but manic episodes are basically non-existent), as too often illicit drug use suspends trial of medication that can really help when used in a more clinical range I am sure you know.
My panic attacks are now rare, as is my major depressive episodes, but my social anxiety still over rides things and keeps me almost derailed despite meds, cbt, psychotherapy et al.
I too can write much on paganism, as many of my old friends were deeply involved in crystals, herbs for healing, cleansings ect, but though my beliefs are more Judeo-Christian but spiced with eastern tradition and the “new age” medicine of former friends—which I assume, in contest, are very similar to paganism.
Again, welcome to social babble and I guess congratulations are in store as well.
~tony
Posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 13:20:53
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me... » Ame Sans Vie, posted by galkeepinon on August 4, 2003, at 12:18:00
> Hey there! I thought your post was wonderful, and I thank you for sharing that all with us. As I read it, I thought "how old is she?"
lol, I'm a he, actually, but that's okay. :-)
>When you said 20, I realized, wow-you have been through a lot in your short time here on earth.
Yeah... I feel like a 90-year-old trapped in a 20-year-old's body sometimes... <sigh>
>You talked about never knowing your father, and right now my father and I are not speaking (his choice) he is an alcoholic/addict, has many different alias', and has used and abused me and his mother(my grandmother) and our family.
I'm really sorry to hear that... from what my mother tells me about my biological father, though, it's probably best that I don't try to get in touch with him. You know, all my life I believed my adopted father was my biological father -- my mom didn't tell me the truth until I was 16!!! And she wouldn't tell me his last name... Just that his first name was Alben, but everyone called him Troy, and that he was a 6'6" Irishman from Kentucky, lol. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I went through my mom's diary for April, 1982 (when I would have been conceived) to find out my real dad's name when she told me the truth.
>I like the idea of your approach to other avenues besides medication.
Well, I'm kind of a health nut, lol. Try not to let it rub off too much -- it can drive you crazy, lol.
> How did you remain strong through all this???? Losing friends, what is your restricted carbohydrate diet like??? I need to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years also.
Oh my gods, I didn't know the meaning of the word "strong". That's why I turned escapism by way of illicit drugs into a fine science for myself.
I follow a modified version of the Atkins diet, outlined in the book "Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution". It's a very interesting book, and if you haven't read it, I ***VERY*** highly recommend it. The diet makes so much more sense than any diet I've ever tried in the past. And it's so easy!! The basis of the diet is, of course, restricted carbohydrate intake. You can eat as many calories as you want from fat and protein, just as long as you keep your carbohydrate intake at a level that maintains a state called "ketosis", in which your body is burning fat for energy because there are few carbohydrates to burn. Most people just have to keep their carb intake below 20mg/day. My metabolism is extremely sluggish though, and I have a very high insulin sensitivity, so I cut practically *all* carbohydrates out of my diet -- at most, I get about one gram a day. My diet consists of meat, cheese, butter, eggs, fowl, and fish. And that's it. The diet greatly reduces your appetite because fat is so satisfying. But the way I modify it to make it more healthy is to incorporate one of the principles of the Mediterranean diet -- I try to eat more fish than anything, so most of the fat I take in is the *good* fat, omega-3's and 6's. You can easily lose 20-25 lbs. a month on this diet, and even more if you exercise. And an added bonus is that the diet gives most people a great uplift in mood and a bunch of extra energy (once you get past the first two days, when your body is burning up its glycogen stores).
> You sound like me, everything from your GPA to pulling a knife on my mom(is what I did at one time)
> I'm realizing too, that there is more to life than being a "social butterfly" ;)
> What is a pagan???Pagan is sort of a broad term... it covers a lot of different things. In a nutshell, to me paganism is holding the earth and all its creatures in high regard, belief in a God and Goddess, and using spells and rituals to help achieve certain goals.
> Just wanted to thank you again for sharing this, it took a lot of courage on your part.
> Thanks!Thank *you* for being so kind! :-)
Posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 13:26:59
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Tabitha on August 4, 2003, at 12:20:24
> Hello. My goodness, you've had a lot of life experience for one so young. Congratulations for taking control of your diagnosis and med regime.
Thank you. :-)
> I'm shy too, not quite as severe as what you describe. Online socializing is a great way to let your social side come out without all those anxiety triggers of real life.
>
> I'd be interested to hear about what being pagan means to you. Have you found any other pagans to associate with? I've heard of full-moon drum circles happening in my town. It sounds like such a nice idea.Well unfortunately I don't have a lot of time at the moment, so I'll just refer you to my reply to galkeepinon to see what paganism essentially means to me. I'll get into more detail when I have some more time.
And actually, yes, I recently have met several other pagans and Wiccans, male and female, and we are in the process of forming a coven. I'm already a legally ordained reverend and High Priest, so I'll be taking that role... I don't know how we'll choose our High Priestess, though. Swimsuit competition maybe? lol j/k Seeing women in swimsuits doesn't do a whole lot for me, and I'm pretty sure you can infer what I'm trying to say from that, lol.
Posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 13:37:17
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by lostsailor on August 4, 2003, at 13:03:34
> Hi there,
>
> I have read quite a few of you posts on PS and am amazed at you knowledge of not just treatment regimes and medications, but all the receptor sites they impact and stimulate or disinhibit….ect.Thank you very much. :-) There was quite a long period of time that I didn't have anything to do *but* study neurochemistry and psychopharmacology... an agoraphobe with internet access can be a dangerous thing, lol.
> I , too, when young and would love to have had a school authority recommend to my parents that I need an evaluation of sorts. I look back and remember constant social anxiety and possibly not quiet episcopes of panic. The funny thing is, at that point, I was able to mask it all very well. When younger I played ‘cute”—a tiny eccentric.
lol, that's so funny, because I tried to do the same thing... pull off the whole "cute" thing, I mean.
> During my teens, and early 20’s, like you, I experimented with illicit drugs. Actually they were, also like you, not as a musician but one who “followed” other musicians around the country thru late high-school and college, not only socially acceptable, but almost required in terms of bonding.
>
> When, in my mid 20’s, I talked to my family doctor about everything after my mom had some heart problems, he began treatment with an ssri and xanax…not long after, I was referred to my pdoc—luckily the only one, aside from a couple of second opinions, as he and I have created a very good relationship with him and tried all the available cocktails at hand too. He read thru my illict drug history on my first appointment and focused mainly on the “calming” substances I reported using. I was amazed when he thought aggressive bezo use with an ssri (at that point I was diagnosed with GAD, panic disorder w/ agoraphobia, and major depression—which has now changed to Bi-polar disorder but “totally” (I still get depressed occasionally, but manic episodes are basically non-existent), as too often illicit drug use suspends trial of medication that can really help when used in a more clinical range I am sure you know.
>
> My panic attacks are now rare, as is my major depressive episodes, but my social anxiety still over rides things and keeps me almost derailed despite meds, cbt, psychotherapy et al.
>
> I too can write much on paganism, as many of my old friends were deeply involved in crystals, herbs for healing, cleansings ect, but though my beliefs are more Judeo-Christian but spiced with eastern tradition and the “new age” medicine of former friends—which I assume, in contest, are very similar to paganism.
>
> Again, welcome to social babble and I guess congratulations are in store as well.
>
> ~tony
>Hi Tony!
I can certainly see you and I do have some things in common. I'm glad to hear your depression and panic are under control for the most part... that social anxiety, though... that's a tricky little bugger, ain't it? lol
Anyway, I'd like to post more, and I will later, but I've got to be at my therapist in half an hour so I'd better end this here for now. Thanks for the congrats, and thanks so much for sharing with me! I can't tell you all how much I appreciate really beginning to feel a part of a group. :-)
~~Michael
Posted by galkeepinon on August 4, 2003, at 17:47:52
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me... » galkeepinon, posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 13:20:53
oooooooooooooo my gosh-I am so sorry-see how I need to work on my gender partaking? LOL I was trying to figure out your posting name and came up with "Amy without Life" in French--and I don't even know French!!!! I took Spanish lol
I am so sorry!!!!
I guess I should have said I admire you for pulling through all of this-because yeah-sounds like your strength was tested-obviously!!!
wow did I goof:( I was just very intrigued by your post and how intelligent you seem and that is wonderful!!!!!! Thank you for some great information!!!
I, personally, wish you the BEST always and always!!!!
Gal
> > Hey there! I thought your post was wonderful, and I thank you for sharing that all with us. As I read it, I thought "how old is she?"
>
> lol, I'm a he, actually, but that's okay. :-)
>
> >When you said 20, I realized, wow-you have been through a lot in your short time here on earth.
>
> Yeah... I feel like a 90-year-old trapped in a 20-year-old's body sometimes... <sigh>
>
> >You talked about never knowing your father, and right now my father and I are not speaking (his choice) he is an alcoholic/addict, has many different alias', and has used and abused me and his mother(my grandmother) and our family.
>
> I'm really sorry to hear that... from what my mother tells me about my biological father, though, it's probably best that I don't try to get in touch with him. You know, all my life I believed my adopted father was my biological father -- my mom didn't tell me the truth until I was 16!!! And she wouldn't tell me his last name... Just that his first name was Alben, but everyone called him Troy, and that he was a 6'6" Irishman from Kentucky, lol. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I went through my mom's diary for April, 1982 (when I would have been conceived) to find out my real dad's name when she told me the truth.
>
> >I like the idea of your approach to other avenues besides medication.
>
> Well, I'm kind of a health nut, lol. Try not to let it rub off too much -- it can drive you crazy, lol.
>
> > How did you remain strong through all this???? Losing friends, what is your restricted carbohydrate diet like??? I need to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years also.
>
> Oh my gods, I didn't know the meaning of the word "strong". That's why I turned escapism by way of illicit drugs into a fine science for myself.
>
> I follow a modified version of the Atkins diet, outlined in the book "Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution". It's a very interesting book, and if you haven't read it, I ***VERY*** highly recommend it. The diet makes so much more sense than any diet I've ever tried in the past. And it's so easy!! The basis of the diet is, of course, restricted carbohydrate intake. You can eat as many calories as you want from fat and protein, just as long as you keep your carbohydrate intake at a level that maintains a state called "ketosis", in which your body is burning fat for energy because there are few carbohydrates to burn. Most people just have to keep their carb intake below 20mg/day. My metabolism is extremely sluggish though, and I have a very high insulin sensitivity, so I cut practically *all* carbohydrates out of my diet -- at most, I get about one gram a day. My diet consists of meat, cheese, butter, eggs, fowl, and fish. And that's it. The diet greatly reduces your appetite because fat is so satisfying. But the way I modify it to make it more healthy is to incorporate one of the principles of the Mediterranean diet -- I try to eat more fish than anything, so most of the fat I take in is the *good* fat, omega-3's and 6's. You can easily lose 20-25 lbs. a month on this diet, and even more if you exercise. And an added bonus is that the diet gives most people a great uplift in mood and a bunch of extra energy (once you get past the first two days, when your body is burning up its glycogen stores).
>
> > You sound like me, everything from your GPA to pulling a knife on my mom(is what I did at one time)
> > I'm realizing too, that there is more to life than being a "social butterfly" ;)
> > What is a pagan???
>
> Pagan is sort of a broad term... it covers a lot of different things. In a nutshell, to me paganism is holding the earth and all its creatures in high regard, belief in a God and Goddess, and using spells and rituals to help achieve certain goals.
>
> > Just wanted to thank you again for sharing this, it took a lot of courage on your part.
> > Thanks!
>
> Thank *you* for being so kind! :-)
>
>
Posted by jay on August 5, 2003, at 2:37:38
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by lostsailor on August 4, 2003, at 13:03:34
> I , too, when young and would love to have had >a school authority recommend to my parents that I >need an evaluation of sorts.
I talk a bit more about this below, but I have been reading other tales of people who have lived (and died) though the unthinkable; like the Holocaust; Work Camps in former Russia; lives of people in Third World countries.
You know, this was the oddest thing, that when I was in grade school, esp. Grades 1-3, back then in '74-'75, there was very basic remedial help. I actually was diagnosed with a developmental handicap (aka 'retarded'), and was held back twice in Grade 1. (I couldn't spell, speak, and even write properly.) They where even going to send me to a 'special school', where I would have likely fizzled out in a life of boredom and uselessness. I was lucky to have wonderful parents who worked with me every night, 365 days a year, and started to function a bit better. Then they tried to push me ahead to Grade 3, and on my first day, I ran home during recess. Then I went to a Speech pathologist, worked with 5-6 different psychologists for us 'retarded' kids...was told I may have to go live in a 'special' home..(which my parents absolutely refused to let happen..thank GAWD!) and got to a basic level of functioning. But, even beyond that, I didn't do well in Grade school, and flunked out of college the first time I tried it. The second time, I majored in something I was passionate about, which was political science. Into my early twenties then, I did excellent. Now, I have started again slowly by taking a single university course, and was ecstatic as I got 86 % on my first of four quizzes in the course. But, that insecurity is deeply rooted, and I sure as h*ll was in no way 'prepared' (who is??) for what later would be dealt to me.
That brings me to today, and even after losing what to most people is the unthinkable, I am alive and quite shocked by that fact. This reminds me of a quote a friend sent me..."The only reason I am alive is because I could not die." 12-13 years of psychiatric pharmacology, and about 6 or so years after losing what nobody should ever have to go through. I was reading of Primo Levi lately, and he suffered such a deep depression after surviving the Holocaust, and ended up killing himself. It's these times, many years after my first waking nightmare, that I actually fear ending my life the most. Not that I am *more* suicidal, but physically am doing a bit more, and getting back into the "land of the living", and I sometimes have a hard time trusting myself. I still feel a bit 'greedy' for being alive, and many times that turns to anger towards others, especially when I see happy families and such. It's beyond jealousy, but a felling I've been "slighted"...and then turns to some self-pity and such, which I am getting better at taming. Still, I carry around too much anger, and I verbally take it out sometimes on the ones who love me. Then I feel major, major guilt.
One last little 'tale' is something a good friend pointed out to. There exists certain plants and trees that actually have to be "burnt" (set on fire) in order for them to survive. (Most in the deserts and in Africa..). There is something important in that, and I try very hard to put Nietzsche's "What can't kill you will only make you stronger." philosophy into place. Many of us on here seem to be able to relate to the first part I mentioned, and maybe it's an analogy that can help us. I am still searching for Truth, Peace, and Beauty, and maybe someday.....maybe.
Jay
Posted by daizy on August 5, 2003, at 12:15:47
In reply to Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 4, 2003, at 8:16:08
Hey! You sound like an interesting person!!! Nice to see you on PSB!
> Just in case anyone's interested, I thought I'd post a bit of a bio and some info about myself. I'd really like to become as much a part of PSB as I am on PB. Before my social phobia was treated, I was just plain too nervous to post on a board strictly for socialization. Thank the gods I don't have to worry about that anymore. :-)
>
> I've never known my father. My mother has panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. One of her younger sisters is depressed and a former cocaine addict, and the other has obsessive-compulsive disorder. Her older sister, anorexic. Their mother suffers from debilitating panic disorder. Thus it came as no surprise to anyone when I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder at the age of five, following referral to a psychiatrist by the school counselor.
>
> I did extremely well in school, due only to my above-average intelligence... I was always at the top of my class, straight A's, and a GPA that hovered around 4.3. But when the bell would ring to signal the end of the school day, in retrospect I can just picture my mother waiting at home for my arrival, bottle of Xanax in hand... her one escape from the horror that would inevitably ensue throughout the remainder of the day -- temper tantrums during which I would destroy half the things we owned, running in a dizzying fashion from one thing to the next, leaving a trail of destruction in my path, and even going so far as to threaten to murder my own mother on several occasions.
>
> I suppose it would be helpful to mention here that, upon my being diagnosed with ADHD, the doctor scribbled out a prescription for Ritalin, which my mother graciously declined to accept. She refused to have her six-year-old on drugs, and to this day I support her decision.
>
> Sometime between the ages of ten and thirteen, my ADHD underwent a gradual metamorphosis to ADD without hyperactivity. At precisely the same time, however, I was beginning to develop a problem which I would trade for ADHD any day.
>
> At first, it was simply, "Oh, he's just a little shy." Which was precisely right... my shyness had yet to grow beyond a subclinical level. But at the age of thirteen, I requested help, as I was continually going to any means necessary (including breaking my own finger one morning) just to get out of having to go to school. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and placed on Zoloft. After a month or so, a drastic change had taken place -- I no longer cared much what people thought of me, I had stopped having the panic attacks which had just recently started occurring, and I was easily able to attend school fairly easily.
>
> It was not long thereafter that I realized, "Hey... I feel like a zombie on this crap." My emotions were dulled, my body was numb... I didn't remember laughing so much as once since the medication took effect. I contacted my doctor and immediately began the tapering process.
>
> This began years of medication trials and therapy. All forms of therapy I tried were ultimately complete failures and wastes of money. As for all the medications, they fell into one of three classes: (A) side-effects intolerable [e.g. Zoloft, all other SSRIs, Wellbutrin, tricyclic antidepressants], (B) I abused them as tolerance developed to them [e.g. most benzodiazepines, barbiturates], and (C) they just plain didn't work [e.g. Effexor, Remeron, Serzone, MAOIs, antipsychotics, and mood-stabilizers]. With each disappointment, I found myself becoming increasingly introverted and depressed.
>
> Meanwhile, during my years playing in local rock bands (ages 14-16), I used illegal drugs (illicit and prescription) day in and day out. After all, our band had a record contract with Elektra, our album nearly complete, and promotional tours being planned in Japan and Europe-- wasn't this how "rock stars" acted anyway? So for over two years my life became blurred by the "let's-see-how-wasted-we-can-get-today,-man" game. Absinthe, vodka, beer, pot, narcotic painkillers, muscle relaxers, and tranquilizers were an everyday guarantee; LSD, ecstasy, mushrooms, PCP, ketamine, dextromethorphan, and cocaine were a more-than-occasional add-on to the already potent cocktail of psychotropics we were poisoning ourselves with everyday. But, hey, I wasn't anxious all the time, so why stop?
>
> November 11, 1999: Woke up in a hospital bed, unsure why I was there. Shortly thereafter, two police officers entered the room and removed me from my restraints (restraints.......?) and struggled with me to get me to the cruiser. I was brought first to a local mental health facility for analysis, where I was informed that I had taken a huge overdose of phenobarbital, Soma, and Xanax. I remembered none of this. Immediately following this was my first sojourn on the in-patient unit of a psychiatric hospital. I'm sure I don't need to describe how horrible it was.
>
> Eleven days later, it was decided I was no longer a "danger to myself", and I was sent home with a month's supply each of Risperdal, Trileptal, and Remeron -- which, of course, didn't work.
>
> Since then, I have ceased use of all drugs (including caffeine, and just two weeks ago, cigarettes). Well, okay, I smoke a little pot occasionally... and I drink some absinthe on the weekends, but can you blame me? lol
>
> Because of all this, I lost every friend I've ever had. Until quite recently, I was completely housebound, with no human contact other than my mother, sister, my psychiatrist, and his receptionist (which was only occasional, as many of my appointments had to be conducted via telephone). I found that in order to be properly treated, I had to do my own research. It didn't take me long to come up with a self-diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder with comorbid panic disorder, as well as some thoroughly researched medications that have proven to be often very helpful to those with AvPD. This time around, within just a year of medication trials which were suggested by *me*, I feel, at long last, like how I've always imagined "normal" may feel. And it's wonderful.
>
> So now my diagnoses are depression, avoidant personality disorder, social phobia, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and attention deficit disorder. My current all-inclusive treatment is comprised of a restricted carbohydrate diet (to lose this weight psych meds have put on me over the years), regular jogging and weight-training, a myriad of nutritional/herbal/homeopathic supplements, 100mg Ultram four times daily, 6mg Xanax XR each morning, and 10mg Desoxyn only occasionally.
>
> Avoidancy is part of my personality, and nothing -- no drug, no therapy -- can ever transform me into an extroverted "social-butterfly", and the same principle holds true for any personality disorder. So I'll always be "a little shy". So what? :-)
>
> So anyway, here I am, 20 years old... seven and a half years of failed medications... but now finally "cured". And not just in the sense that my disorders are treated more than adequately, but that I've a newfound lust for life and cherish every moment of every day.
>
> I am a musician, as I already mentioned... I find nothing more cathartic than writing a meaningful song on my acoustic guitar while sitting on my favorite tree stump in the middle of the woods. I also love to play bass and drums, and I sing as well.
>
> I have a strong passion for linguistics. I *love* studying foreign languages -- even the rather oddball ones. I mean, I took out books on Punjabi, Romanian, and Hungarian during my last visit to the library. Heck, I even own the "Klingon Dictionary", lol (I'm definitely not a Trekkie though... just trust me on this, lol). But my biggest linguistic passion is French. Such a beautiful language, and I am getting closer and closer to fluency everyday now that I'm once again inspired to learn.
>
> Of course, my presence all over PB probably shows my love for the study of psychopharmacology. It's such a fascinating field. I especially find the non-prescription approach to mental illness to be interesting -- homeopathy, acupressure, acupuncture, reiki, healing with crystals, herbalism, vitamins, minerals, amino acids, super foods, etc. ad nauseam.
>
> I hope not to offend anyone here when I say this, but because it is a *very* big part of who I am, I feel it necessary to divulge to you all that I am pagan. I could write a book on that subject though, so if you're interested in what I mean by that, just ask. :-)
>
> Well, that's enough about me... I'm sure you're sick of me by now, lol. But thank you very much if you read this post. I just wanted very much for you all to get to know me, as I hope to get to know you. Bright blessings to all! :-)
>
>
>
Posted by Ame Sans Vie on August 5, 2003, at 13:09:57
In reply to Re: Since I'm new, some more info on me..., posted by daizy on August 5, 2003, at 12:15:47
This is the end of the thread.
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