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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on July 5, 2003, at 10:27:49
JYL -
You mentioned in another post that you have 5 small children. I have 3 large children. I think it is really hard to be depressed with children.
First, I know what I am not giving to my children that I want to (and should). I can't focus my mind on their issues, or remember them past the time of the conversation. So I can't give them the thoughtful teaching that they deserve. I always love them, but sometimes need to yell or push them away because I don't have the capacity right then. I don't take them on "outings" because I just want to sit in the house. I don't let them do certain things because I can't get enough energy to drive them where they need to go. My 15 year old won't let me help her with her homework because I can't speak in sentances.
Second, children, both big and small, bring a certain amount of noise and confusion and neediness into the house. I can't tolerate any of these. I find that I have to restrict certain activities just because they drive me crazy. I can't imagine being depressed with little ones. At least my big ones can sort of understand (and be mad about) my restrictions.
Most of all, I worry that I have passed these bad genes to my kids. I also worry that they are learning the wrong ways of coping by watching me. I don't want to give them this pain.
Just one more thing to feel guilty about...
Posted by Penny on July 5, 2003, at 11:09:33
In reply to Depressed With Children (JYL), posted by fallsfall on July 5, 2003, at 10:27:49
> Most of all, I worry that I have passed these bad genes to my kids. I also worry that they are learning the wrong ways of coping by watching me. I don't want to give them this pain.
>
> Just one more thing to feel guilty about...Is there a right way to cope? I think we cope as best we can at the time.
Perhaps your children don't understand, and perhaps one day they will, or maybe not. Regardless, you didn't choose to be this way, and you have to try to forgive yourself for being human.
Speaking as the child of a depressed mother (whose depression went unacknowledged and untreated), it is a painful thing, as it is painful for anyone to see someone they love go through such terrible pain. But speaking now as an adult who suffers from depression herself, I understand why things were the way they were when I was growing up. Of course, it doesn't change what was, but it does change my perspective.
What I have had to learn, to get over much of the anger I held toward my parents for many years: Parents, just like everyone, only do the best they know how at the time.
Just like we do the best we know how at the time in dealing with this illness.
It's an illness. It's not your fault.
And your guilt is just one more sign of how much you love your children.
P
Posted by Dinah on July 5, 2003, at 11:42:33
In reply to Depressed With Children (JYL), posted by fallsfall on July 5, 2003, at 10:27:49
I'm sort of lucky in that I have a reasonably good "as-if" self that I usually use with my son. My general attitude is that of a Montessori teacher. I very rarely lose my temper. I have endless patience.
But I withdraw when things get too much for me. Way more often than I should. And having friends over is a big deal at our house, not the casual thing it should be. I have a hard time doing things like chatting to the other moms at functions, too. So I'm sure he's not getting the out of school socialization that most kids do. I figure that's what he'll be telling his shrink when he grows up. That and that his mom never seemed quite genuine. I'm so determined to avoid my parents' anger problems that I'll create my own different ones.
I also see how sensitive and earnest he is, so much like me. And I know it will (and probably already has) caused him pain. And I feel like that's my fault too, for passing on those genes.
But what I feel most guilty about is the possibility that one day I'll feel too scared to continue living. And that as much as I know that would hurt him, my fears will overcome my desire to not have him hurt. Powerful things, those fears. That makes me feel like a rotten mom.
I think he's the most wonderful little boy in the world. And when I'm feeling hopeless, it's thoughts of him I cling to. But what am I offering him?
Posted by justyourlaugh on July 5, 2003, at 13:06:00
In reply to Re: Depressed With Children (JYL) » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on July 5, 2003, at 11:42:33
i am so glad i am a much better place than i was last year...
i felt i had to detach from the kids..so it wouldnt hurt them when i checked out...
i am getting their love again and they really understand it when i cant do things..
i am always asking"ok,who has money for pizza tonight!"
i have forgiven my own mother for only touching me and giving me her love when she was drunk...
she is my friend now..
j
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