Posted by Dinah on July 5, 2003, at 11:42:33
In reply to Depressed With Children (JYL), posted by fallsfall on July 5, 2003, at 10:27:49
I'm sort of lucky in that I have a reasonably good "as-if" self that I usually use with my son. My general attitude is that of a Montessori teacher. I very rarely lose my temper. I have endless patience.
But I withdraw when things get too much for me. Way more often than I should. And having friends over is a big deal at our house, not the casual thing it should be. I have a hard time doing things like chatting to the other moms at functions, too. So I'm sure he's not getting the out of school socialization that most kids do. I figure that's what he'll be telling his shrink when he grows up. That and that his mom never seemed quite genuine. I'm so determined to avoid my parents' anger problems that I'll create my own different ones.
I also see how sensitive and earnest he is, so much like me. And I know it will (and probably already has) caused him pain. And I feel like that's my fault too, for passing on those genes.
But what I feel most guilty about is the possibility that one day I'll feel too scared to continue living. And that as much as I know that would hurt him, my fears will overcome my desire to not have him hurt. Powerful things, those fears. That makes me feel like a rotten mom.
I think he's the most wonderful little boy in the world. And when I'm feeling hopeless, it's thoughts of him I cling to. But what am I offering him?
poster:Dinah
thread:239472
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/239488.html