![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 65 to 89 of 116. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 7:33:18
In reply to Re: It hurts so much » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Poet on March 12, 2014, at 20:30:36
I suppose I'll find out today if it's anything more than a lack of caring on his side. I'm so anxious that I just hope I'll be able to leave the restroom for long enough to find out. (TMI, I know)
Keep your fingers crossed for his being *unable* to contact me.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 7:38:50
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by baseball55 on March 12, 2014, at 19:46:32
I do, but I don't want to intrude. That's about the only thing I was able to discover from my obsessive google search for reasons. Not that it was any help in that, but it did crop up incidentally.
I think I'll ask today what might be appropriate. Referred therapist might know.
I already sent a return email to him assuring him of my prayers, love and good wishes. I got the vacation message about not being able to take on any new patients right now (with no mention of current patients at all). I don't know if he will ever read his back emails.
Posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 15:38:04
In reply to Re: He's not dying » baseball55, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 7:38:50
At this point, any information you can get should help you regain your equilibrium. I feel certain that every one of us who is in intensive therapy would react and feel just as you did. It's just shocking, and your reaction is what any attached, caring client would have. Feeling as you do means you have done a wonderful job as his client, and, also, despite the present nightmare, he has also done a wonderful job in helping to create a relationship where growth could occur.
Be sure to let us know what you do find out.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 19:26:09
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 15:38:04
I can't believe she called me in. The only additional information she had was that she didn't think he'd be coming back.
At first she was going with the fact that if he was able to make a phone call, he could have written a couple of lines to me. That it wasn't unreasonable of me to feel rejected. That it was his choice. After I went into strong hysterics, she backtracked a bit and ever so slightly led me to believe my guesses weren't wrong, and even said he might call me some day. But how can I trust anything she said when she was trying to get me safe enough to leave.
What kind of therapist is she to think "he's not coming back" and "he chose not to call you" would be beneficial. And " lots of therapists seem to do things like this."
I wasn't overly nice. I asked her to quit the therapist speak, when she was reflecting back what I said, or naming my quite obvious emotions. I told her I didn't want a hug. I don't think I so much as shook my therapist's hand for the first five years of therapy. I hate social hugging. Why would I want a complete stranger to hug me.
I don't think I can hear things like "you are feeling upset" without having to suppress a rude "ya think!!!!"
Posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 19:42:17
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 19:26:09
My goodness, Dinah. It upset ME a lot to read what she said. I think I would have felt more anxious and rejected hearing those vague, upsetting generalities. It's also sort of disrespectful to you, because you need information to begin processing what's happened. And who wants a hug from a stranger?
Do you thnk she knew more than she was telling you? Are there other sources to get information from?
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 19:51:37
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 19:42:17
She knows, tho she said her knowledge is from the grapevine. So there is a whole grapevine out there, but it's confidential to me.
I called the office building where he works. They said he hadn't closed his office and suggested I call his cell. So maybe the grapevine doesn't extend that far. My google searches only brought up things it wasn't, not what it was.
Other than hiring a private investigator or calling his wife, I'm at a loss. And both seem too intrusive.
Posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 19:58:44
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 19:42:17
I feel pretty sure you are going to find out - both what happened and what he plans for the future, if anything. But I guess not for a while.
It's starting to sound like he might have closed his practice without allowing anyone to say goodbye.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 19:59:10
In reply to Re: He's not dying, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 19:51:37
Not that I really need or want to know the particulars. I want to know if he could have sent a personal note but chose not to, or if he wasn't able to. I want to know if he ever will be able to. I want to know if the last I will have ever heard from him was a sort of verbal "moving along handshake" when he called to check on my cancellation. I want to know if he actually cares about me. I want to know if twenty years of convincing me to extend myself from my protective shell were based on a lie.
I want to know how someone I love like a parent could disappear from my life after twenty years of working and fighting to relationship.
Posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 20:07:23
In reply to Re: He's not dying, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 19:59:10
Yes, exactly. You need and deserve to know all those things, so that you can carry the sense of having been cared about with you without any doubts. After a while, you might let him know what you need and want from him.
Posted by baseball55 on March 13, 2014, at 20:59:58
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 20:07:23
I don't mean to be critical Dinah and I understand the frustration and anger and abandonment you feel, but you have to consider that maybe he is physically and mentally unable to deal with patients right now Maybe he just needs to take care of himself right now and limit his interactions to friends and family who will take care of him and make no emotional demands.
You seem so angry and hurt and this is understandable. But ask yourself how you would feel if he were seriously ill or disabled or suffering. Do you want to be the sort of person who attends only to her own feelings and doesn't consider his suffering?
If this happened to me (and I know one day it will and it will be hard and painful), I would try to tell myself that he needs to take care of himself right now and cannot take care of me. I hope I can be this selfless.
The therapeutic relationship is fraught. It's a real relationship, filled with trust and caring and genuine love. But it's not the same as a real personal relationship, because it's one-sided and circumscribed by therapeutic boundaries.
See if you can let go of the anger and hurt and imagine caring for him in his time of need by sending loving-kindness his way.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 21:40:11
In reply to Re: He's not dying, posted by baseball55 on March 13, 2014, at 20:59:58
Posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 21:41:10
In reply to Re: He's not dying, posted by baseball55 on March 13, 2014, at 20:59:58
You do make very good points, and they do express the most constructive way to go, but, although Dinah is utilizing Babble as a safe place to express her hurt and shock, she has also been caring during this time, sending him a note expressing her love, concern and prayers for him. She seems most of all to want to retain a sense of his caring while trying to find out what happened. I do think that a more personal, caring message, from him or someone close to him, would have helped a lot- helped him, too.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on March 13, 2014, at 21:51:04
In reply to And that's it for me, guys. Bye. (nm), posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 21:40:11
((((Dinah))))
I'm sorry he's gone missing like this. It sucks.
I'd have an awful hard time too. :-(
It's not a lie, of course, the relationship, but it's weird not to communicate a bit more.
sleepysid.
Posted by Twinleaf on March 13, 2014, at 21:52:28
In reply to And that's it for me, guys. Bye. (nm), posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 21:40:11
Posted by Phillipa on March 13, 2014, at 22:11:36
In reply to Re: He's not dying, posted by baseball55 on March 13, 2014, at 20:59:58
Baseball I agree with you. If you were sick or ill the guilt alone must be hard for a caring therapist and knowing he's unable to do what many of his patients might want. Phillipa
Posted by SLS on March 13, 2014, at 22:42:21
In reply to And that's it for me, guys. Bye. (nm), posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 21:40:11
Hi, Dinah Seeks Support.
No need to respond.
Most of this is written out of ignorance, but with good intentions.
I can empathize with and relate to you to some degree, but not nearly as much as would be necessary for me to fully appreciate how disorienting this must be for you. I have never had psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapies such that I should become attached to and enmeshed with the therapist. I guess what I am trying to say is that I really don't know how to make you feel better. I want to. Maybe you have to come to feel better on your own. I don't know.
I think that people here are giving you good advice and unconditional support. Is there anything that would soothe you except to reconnect with your therapist? I wonder if your therapist gave you the tools that would help you get through this situation. It would be a paradox of sorts. Would he be proud of you should you begin to use what he taught you? I don't know.
How very disorienting. The world must not seem real.
Try to manage your anxiety if you can. It will help prevent derealization.
- Scott
Posted by Willful on March 13, 2014, at 23:33:52
In reply to Re: He's not dying, posted by baseball55 on March 13, 2014, at 20:59:58
I have to disagree with you baseball55,
No matter how sick her T is, Dinah has the right also to take care of herself-- which involves expressing and working with the complexity and painfulness of many of her reactions. While it's great to send someone loving kindness-- and Dinah was saying many times that she did, too-- she was also saying that she had many other reactions, of needing to hear from him, of needing to feel that for these many years his caring had been real, that she mattered-- and that he was aware-- as a way of being there with her-- that it would be devastating for her that he needed suddenly to abandon her.
I"m not saying that a therapist can write personal notes to 20 patients when she or he is very sick-- but there can be a thoughtful and caring communication to those few, or one, who have put so much into the relationship.
And I don't think that Dinah is being selfish in this. I guess that's what you seem to be implying ( to me anyway). She does have the right to be angry and hurt, and disappointed-- and even to reject the relationship for a time. I hope she finds her way back to remembering the good things---for her sake- because they could be sustaining-- but I understand greatly why it's difficult if not almost impossible to find them right away.
We need to accept the complexity of her (and our) feelings, and the primal sense of abandonment that some people particularly feel devastating-- leaving only the loved person's absence.
I 'm sure you were trying to point the way to something that could bring some relief-- but also no one can put a time-limit on someone else's working through of feelings of grief and loss.
Posted by Twinleaf on March 14, 2014, at 10:12:04
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Dinah, I do hope you will continue posting about this, or any other, situation. There is a lot of caring and support for you here, because of how much you have given to others over the years.
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 14, 2014, at 15:16:41
In reply to Re: He's not dying » baseball55, posted by Willful on March 13, 2014, at 23:33:52
> Dinah is utilizing Babble as a safe place to express her hurt and shock
>
> Twinleaf> Dinah has the right also to take care of herself-- which involves expressing and working with the complexity and painfulness of many of her reactions. ... she was also saying ... that it would be devastating for her that he needed suddenly to abandon her.
>
> She does have the right to be angry and hurt, and disappointed-- and even to reject the relationship for a time.
>
> We need to accept the complexity of her (and our) feelings, and the primal sense of abandonment that some people particularly feel devastating-- leaving only the loved person's absence.
>
> WillfulThanks, I found that a helpful way of seeing what's going on. Maybe the Support that Dinah Seeks, right now, anyway, is understanding and empathy, not what might feel like "excuses" for her T's behavior. I'm going to respond to an earlier post, but I'll start a different thread for that.
Bob
Posted by sleepygirl2 on March 14, 2014, at 20:36:54
In reply to Re: Support is what Dinah Seeks, posted by Dr. Bob on March 14, 2014, at 15:16:41
> > Dinah is utilizing Babble as a safe place to express her hurt and shock
> >
> > Twinleaf
>
> > Dinah has the right also to take care of herself-- which involves expressing and working with the complexity and painfulness of many of her reactions. ... she was also saying ... that it would be devastating for her that he needed suddenly to abandon her.
> >
> > She does have the right to be angry and hurt, and disappointed-- and even to reject the relationship for a time.
> >
> > We need to accept the complexity of her (and our) feelings, and the primal sense of abandonment that some people particularly feel devastating-- leaving only the loved person's absence.
> >
> > Willful
>
> Thanks, I found that a helpful way of seeing what's going on. Maybe the Support that Dinah Seeks, right now, anyway, is understanding and empathy, not what might feel like "excuses" for her T's behavior. I'm going to respond to an earlier post, but I'll start a different thread for that.
>
> BobSeriously, this is not a good time to rationalize things.
Dinah knows how to rationalize.
We're all dependent to some extent, of course we can see our t's as separate people, but we attach, so we feel attached. When anyone is important to you, and they disappear without explanation, you'll miss them dearly.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 16, 2014, at 16:35:16
In reply to Re: Support is what Dinah Seeks » Dr. Bob, posted by sleepygirl2 on March 14, 2014, at 20:36:54
So I didn't follow all of this...
But I got to thinking... Remembering... Around the time of hurricane Katrina. How things fell apart for a lot of people. How you held things together really well. Better than your therapist, even, ha. Better than most people. How you do that on the boards sometimes, too. Hold things together. Find your calm. In the storm.
I think I have that tendency sometimes, too. I think. I see a little bit of that in me. I wonder if it comes from living in a state of almost chronic alarm most of the time. People might think that we don't have good coping skills because of living a lot of our lives in crisis... But then when something external sends other people into that same state of physiological arousal the person who is used to it functions best.
I don't know if that makes sense. Or whether it is true or not. But it helps me think about the lab... Helps me feel better about it. I was totally focused. for 2 hours. Until I realised I needed to do calculations on something I forgot to write down (thought that was what the pre-lab was for) and that I needed to double the scale on the x axis which would have made the numbers align... oddly... with the little squares on the graph paper and i mentally gave up on the math. That's a pretty good first effort. It... Won't get any harder than that, actually.
I sort of imagining your therapist pulling things back together in a little time... Seeing sense. Or something. Anyway... Not sure if I'm up to speed on things... Or making an awful lot of sense... But I wouldn't be terribly surprised if this storm, too, comes to pass.
Posted by baseball55 on March 16, 2014, at 20:28:05
In reply to And that's it for me, guys. Bye. (nm), posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 13, 2014, at 21:40:11
I'm sorry Dinah. Did my post drive you away? I certainly hope not. I did not mean to be hurtful. When you write about your T, I can't seem to help applying it to myself and my relationship with my T, whom, I have said many times on this board, I love and feel deeply attached to. He's in his mid-70s and I think a lot about how I would handle the kind of situation you are in. The call or letter one day that he is curbing his practice for personal, health reasons.
It terrifies me and I try to imagine how I can handle it, how I can come to peace with it.So I think I just project my own imagined responses to you.
Posted by vwoolf on March 17, 2014, at 1:22:55
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
Dear Dinah, I don't often come to the boards any more and have only just seen your message about your therapist. I just wanted to say that I think it is intolerable that you are not being allowed to know what has become of him.
You quite clearly have a strong relationship with him. A real relationship that has lasted twenty years. I am sure it is real for him too.
I think you have a right to know, no matter how terrible the news may be. You have a right to mourn if necessary.
I would insist with the agency if I were you, press them to give you enough details. Boundaries are supposed to be there to protect the patient, not to hurt them. Trust in the relationship you know you had with him.
When people go missing, the most terrible thing for the families is that they can't grieve. They need to know what has happened, they need the 'bones' to bury.
Posted by 10derheart on March 17, 2014, at 16:45:48
In reply to My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 7, 2014, at 20:23:20
I sent you an email.
I don't know what to say here.
I'm praying for you.
Posted by Dinah on March 20, 2014, at 17:43:34
In reply to Re: And that's it for me, guys. Bye. » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by baseball55 on March 16, 2014, at 20:28:05
I was feeling pretty fragile. I probably still am. I don't know really....
I understand that my issue might be triggering for a lot of people here. It's the worst nightmare. I certainly have fussed at my therapist often for what other people's therapists have done. So I really do understand.
Every therapy dyad is different. And what's "true" in your therapy relationship isn't necessarily true for others. Our boundaries weren't either better or worse than with your therapist. They were just different. Partly because of the years involved, partly because of the nature of the work (which largely involved fear of abandonment), and partly because we lived through Katrina as comrades as well as therapist/client.
What is reasonable for your response and his actions is not necessarily the same as is reasonable for my response and my therapist's actions.
I'm not entirely sure why you thought, that day, that I was primarily angry with him. I was furious with the therapist who called me in to her office merely to tell me that he actually had abandoned me, she would curl up and die if it happened to her, and that he was never coming back. I'd have been way happier if she had never contacted me after telling me he wasn't dying.
Also, to some extent the anger I felt towards my therapist was protective. You might find, if you are ever in this situation, that anger feels less horrible than terror.
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.